Still trying to get back into life, been extremely difficult for me...

I still struggle on a daily basis with past reminders and such, but I am getting better at pushing them away. It still hurts quite badly though, and can really sear into my brain when I think about it all..

I've been distracting with work as much as I can and that has helped tremendously, My career seems to be advancing at a similar breakneck pace as it was before all of the turmoil in my life came about. Currently getting programming experience and doing much more engineering and development than I was before. Also applied motion control technologies and such. So this aspect of my life is looking up.

The social aspect of my life is still utterly miserable though. I've only just started to reconnect with my friends, I've felt far too distant until now. Not only the distance and disconnect my situation made but also the pain of memories resurfacing constantly.. I just couldn't bare to take it until now. I'm not sure if I am just being a wuss, and need to get over it but I am still hurting. Perhaps I've been surpressing it far too much, and it is preventing me from healing.. Maybe I want to keep pushing the hurt back inside, trying to hold onto some ideal image, too afraid to let go and move on..

I don't know.. as I was told "I hope you learn from all of this, and grow from it. That you don't fall down the path of self hate, pity, etc"

Shit, I've done a crap job of it so far.. I've also been an entirely scummy person about the whole separation. Everything from panic, desperation, pleading, screaming, crying, stalking, and snooping.. Fuck.. I regret many things in my life, but the way my breakup has gone is by far my biggest...

I'm pushing through, forcing myself as much as I can to get out and move on though. I'm trying to hold onto hope that I can move on, that I have learned and become a better person. I am now aware of what extreme emotional distress has gotten me to do, which I am hardly proud of. But I am looking back on it as a learning experience.

My legal situation seems to be going well, aside from some of the dumb shit I was doing in my distressed state. However, I am perhaps lucky nothing was pursued in that sense. Perhaps.. ahh best to leave it be.


Overall, though life keeps stepping in to kick me in the balls whenever I feel like things are leveling out.. With the several "close calls" I've had with potential death since my release... and the resultant catastrophes that followed.. I have come away remarkably physically unscathed. I'm not sure if I should feel lucky, or like I have a cloud over me? It's hard to say when I've had several very close calls with death between cars, crazy people, and electrical explosions...

My family has been dwindling down to nearly nothing, it's very hard not to feel alone. Now my uncle, whom aside from my aunt is the only family left in the state and still alive has cancer. Not a particularly good outlook either. #-4mo to live, or a "chance" he can go into remission. Pretty wide spread, and it's just fucking depressing.. So I am throwing that onto the pile of shit that is dragging me towards the abyss of depression, but I am doing my best to stay strong and focused. Even if my mind continually wanders towards my ex-partner.

*sigh* Suppose though I am bolstered with far far more psychological aides than I had before between groups, therapists, psychologist, meds, and psychiatrist. I also cannot discount the support I have from others, even if I have been secluding and withdrawing into myself... I'M TRYING THOUGH!! really.. I am.

Anyhow, nobody is actually going to read this, but feeling like somebody might be listening helps. Even if this wasn't pointed, or meaningful to anyone else.