Like I said, since I seriously doubt anyone will read these since Journals get posted more than art does, i'm just throwing this out into the void of the internet to see if it'll help make me feel better.

Here goes.

For years now, i've felt like somethings amiss with myself, like there's something wrong and i've been getting closer and closer to it, but in the worse way to approach it. I've let myself be swallowed by the abyss of depression and i've let maddening images haunt my mind and soul, i've let dangerous thoughts cross my mind because they piqued my interest with how dark my thoughts can really get, i've removed the cork on the bottle of dangerous/sad emotions that i've been filling up since I was a small child, and much more and all just to see how deep the Abyss really can go... They say if you stare into the abyss long enough, the Abyss stares back at you, perhaps this is what I want, maybe all I want is to see myself in anothers eyes, no lies, no false hope, no faking, nothing but the painful honesty the Abyss can offer.

What is in my soul?
What is in my heart?
What is in my mind?
What am I?
Who am I?
Why am I?
How am I?


I want to see what I really am and I believe I have caught a glimpse of myself and it mortifies me beyond belief so much I can't put it into words.

I see the entire cacophony of masks that i've worn over the ages, i've seen how they evolve. Was it all to protect myself from what I truly am or was it all to protect the people around me? Or.... was it in the selfish greed of wanting something that I can NEVER offer myself?

When I finally glimpsed into the abyss, the mask i've evolved to wear chipped and cracked and I got to see what was underneath.

What makes us Human? What makes us People? What makes us Us?

How do we DEFINE ourselves? I'm not talking Likes and Dislikes or Hobbies and such, i'm talking, how do we define what we are when we are truly alone, by ourselves, with the lights off. Could you open that door that you've kept locked? Could you look into the Abyss and come back with a smile on your face?



After fighting the urge to see what I am, after successfully battling my demons, and after wearing these masks for so long I said "Fuck it, let's see how deep this rabbit hole goes, I guess. Should be fun and maddening."


What I saw, underneath that cracked and chipped mask, was not the sad face of the child I used to be. No, I wouldn't be this far into the Abyss if it was going to be that simple. What I got to see was the pained, saddened, broken face of a monster.

A monster who was born in the wrong era.
A monster who was born different but couldn't understand why.
A monster who was given a tortured soul at birth.
A monster who was born in a hateful world.
A monster who understands most things but is surrounded by those who would rather not gossip about novel things.
A monster who just wants to find their other half of their heart, but whose heart is shaped so differently that no other being may be able to match his.
A monster who's getting sick and tired of dealing with peoples novel bullshit.
A monster who's rage is so minuscule to its harrowing sadness.

A monster....


Maybe this is why I constantly feel like even sometimes my best friends are strangers to me, maybe this is answers why I can't be the person my mates want me to be or the person they think I am, maybe this is why I find it so easy to give up on love and focus on things like Space and Physics like they're less trivial than that of love.


Maybe my souls been swallowed by the Abyss since time forgotten, maybe it's just so easy to fight because it's like I belong here but I don't really wanna move forwards or backwards in here because it's gotten so comfortable.

I used to never cry, but I did a few weeks back, and I think it opened the dam that's been keeping my real emotions away from me. Now I want to cry all the time but there seems to be no water for it. I thinks that's why I find it so hard to get out of bed after waking up, maybe that's why my nightmares don't scare me anymore.

Maybe that's why I don't like looking in the mirror or letting people look into my eyes, i'm afraid that my mask is broken now, and i'm afraid of my soul being seen.

Edit: Don't be worried about me hurting myself, i'd never do that, plus also I think one of the gods needs me for something down here anyways. Plus i'd rather see how the world turns out in this life time than waste it.