I like to do these little updates around once a year as a sort of time-capsule for myself to go back and read through. It’s a good way to keep track of my thoughts and mood changes throughout the years. And it’s interesting to see what things I was worried about a few years ago have or haven’t materialized. A lot of this is just me dumping out thoughts that have been bouncing around into a place I can just store and forget about them for a while, so nothing here is that serious. That being said,

I kinda hate being an artist. Or, I hate that it’s the one interesting skill I have. Or, hate how it can define my relationships with people. I love kink art and artists; I love connecting with people through sexuality; I love the community built around our shared-strangeness; and the passion both creators and consumers have for the work. But actually being an artist, the one who sits down and thinks about what’s going on in his strange little head and translates that to paper, is something I’ve always struggled with for a few reasons.

I mostly make my art to connect with people. I’ve found there’s not a lot in it for me. Of course I’m into what I draw and write. But the process of drawing something kinky sterilizes it for me because it goes from a fun thought that I jerk off to for five minutes, to a multi-hour study of anatomy and execution. Basically, sexy stuff works best when you don’t think about it, and drawing is only thinking about it. So it can quickly feel like there’s just no passion in it and I’m not doing it for me. Bad vibes.

So then it’s about building a relationship with someone else by talking to them through my work. Which truly has led to some of my most meaningful relationships with people. This right here is what drives me the most right now. However, the flip side is sometimes it really feels like people are only interested in me for my art, or what I’m drawing that might turn them on. Which isn’t unfair, but there’s a person behind the art trying to figure out who he is. And feeling like I boil down to one thing worth talking about, like I’m just a porn machine, kinda sucks when you’re in a headspace of not knowing what makes you, you. I sometimes wanna say “yes yes, big men are nice. But there’s lots of other nice things in the world, can we talk about them please?”

Or, people who only talk to me if they need art tips. And I love teaching people, I think I’m pretty good at it. But again, I’m a whole ass person outside the art.

This puts me in a catch 22 of feeling like I need to keep putting out art so people will stay interested in me, but not wanting to draw because it’s the only thing interesting about me which makes me feel too shitty to draw. Repeat until I haven’t uploaded in months.

And there’s the factor of being scared of the shifting legal landscape for porn artists and websites in the good ol’ U-S-of-A (can you sense my sarcasm.) It’s hard to feel like drawing when you’re worried the place for your audience will cease to exist in a year.

It all leaves me feeling like I wish I could do anything else as my craft. Or wishing that I just stuck to med school and commed people for my art.

And does this all mean I’m going to stop drawing? No, of course not. I’m a stubborn bitch and will go insane if I don’t get the ideas out of my head at some point. I am an artist, don't get it twisted. I just wanted to put out my thoughts and feelings about my craft and where I’m at personally with it. Venting the struggles I’ve had with the craft for a while now.

I think I’ll start uploading more sfw, introspective work that deals more with exploring myself. Something I wasn’t sure about doing because having a gallery of dicks and weight play, then a short story about suicide out of nowhere might be a bit jarring (I’m fine btw). But fuck it, my gallery my rules.

If you read this whole thing, thanks. Ramble ramble, I know. I’ll be interested to come back to this one because I’ve been in therapy for a few months now and it’s been helping me a lot. Hopefully, I’ll have a much better perspective in time. Until then, peace.