How does one know?

Consciences is unreliable. Yes, my presence gets acknowledged. Yes, I am able to interact with my surroundings, but maybe it's a lucid dream?

Probably not, as I have no control over ...well, anything. Everything just kind of does it's thing and I try to do mine.

Most of the time, I don't even feel like I'm really here. Like I'm just watching a really boring show, listening to the thoughts of this odd individual and wondering, why does he even bother to try?

I am me, but who is that? I think, but does that really mean I am? Maybe, I'm just the thought and I've stuck around to long. Maybe, maybe I'm just an idea. And a bad one at that.

...

My mind scares me. I'm fairly certain it thinks for itself and considers me an annoying intrusion onto its plans. I just want to be close to people, to feel accepted and loved and what it's like to be happy.

My brain has informed me that this is all unnecessary and unwarranted. We're at odds see, and these things I'm trying to accomplish are just getting in the way. Friends are a hindrance and it will actively seek to murder any relationship I've established.

...

It really is a love/hate relationship. I want to love other people, but I can't love myself.

I'd really rather this hateful, spiteful, vindictive part of me would just go ahead and squeeze the lovers breath right out of me.

Wrap its dingy little fingers and just squeeze. And squeeze. And squeeze.

And when finally, the light is leaving my eyes and I'm rattling out my last wheeze, it'll let go and let me live.

Just so it can kill me all over again.

(Please, by all means, hate me, Otha J. I have done some just downright inexcusable things to folks I really care about. I'm not begging for forgiveness, in fact, I don't want it. I don't deserve it. Nothing I say can or will fix anything, nor will saying 'I'm sorry.' I don't expect anything to get better, in fact, I've pretty much conceded that I've permanently ruined these friendships; I'm not getting them back.

The only thing I ask is, if I show up around as Tripp, please don't hate on him and treat him like he's me. He has really grown on me and has grown apart from me as his own personality. For all intents and purposes, Tripp is an entirely different person. Please treat him as such.)