Hey everyone, it’s been quite a while, hasn’t it?

I want to preface this journal by issuing a possible TW (Trigger Warning). My intention isn’t to make anyone feel uncomfortable with the subject matter that I would like to discuss today—gender dysphoria and gender identity. If at any point, you begin to feel uncomfortable or you are not comfortable with reading something that could be potentially triggering, please stop here. I would also like to apologize in advance if this entire post becomes long-winded or incoherent at any point. While venting is always a good thing, I’m not used to venting in a public space such as this because I’m an anxious person. I will try and keep this as concise as possible while trying to maintain some level of coherency; however, if you had prior interactions with me before this journal entry, you would know that it is not that easy for me to do. With all of that being said, buckle in and grab a snack.

I am transgender

While this should come as no surprise to either the people I have already this discussion with, or the people who are quite astute and know a person just by looking at their social media—this journal isn’t directed at you. For most people though, they would have never guessed this without having to dig into my Twitter feed or read through my profile on this website. And while I don’t want to get overly descriptive about my life (this is the internet after all), I do need to give you all some background knowledge as to who I am and my life up to this point. Locations and names are going to, of course, be redacted.

I was born male in the early 90’s. For as long as I can remember, I have always struggled with my sexuality and my gender. I had what was considered to be an average childhood to two loving parents in a somewhat Christian household. My father was an ex-Marine who worked in a completely different line of work. My mother worked a retail-esque job. Both for as long as I can remember, had impartial/neutral opinions towards the LGBTQIA+ community (though this would change much later in life). As much as I despise stereotypes, I have never been a masculine individual. I have always considered myself to be quite feminine. That’s not to say though that growing up, I wasn’t forced to do things because “I was a boy.” I played sports (baseball) at the behest of my father as he would get involved in our community’s local sports leagues as a coach and an umpire. Sports were never a passion of mine though. I have always been an artistic kind of person.

Going into middle school was one of the first times that I experimented with my gender identity and my sexuality under the guise of wearing makeup and wearing feminine clothes. Of course, this was all done in secret without my parents ever knowing because I never knew how they would take to their own child suffering because they didn’t feel like the gender or body they were birthed into or that their child was queer. That’s not to say that I didn’t try giving a “normal” relationship (heterosexual/cishet) a chance throughout high school. I would go to school with my nails painted, eyeliner, and a more androgynous outfit because it would make me feel like myself. My teachers probably attributed this to the fact that this was around the era where “emo” music and fashion was becoming popular among pre-teens and teenagers. Granted, this would be short-lived happiness; nonetheless, it was still something.

Up until about the 10th grade, the few relationships I had been in were both short-lived and done in secret. While some of them were just the standard “couples things” like cuddling and kissing, some of my other relationships were much more physical. I’ll spare you the details. I mention this because while I was active in a few clubs in high school (Newspaper Club and the Gay Straight Alliance), I had to force myself back into the closet despite not being out of the closet to a whole lot of people. The high school I went to didn’t have many LGBTQIA+ individuals so having an actual relationship inside of the school was a difficult thing to do. I had gotten involved in a relationship with a girl which lasted a little bit after graduation. This was the worst time of my life because not only was the premise of the relationship built on a lie that I had to tell myself would be okay, but there would be times of abuse that I would have to endure mentally from both this individual and the fact that my identity issues were getting worse and worse. I will spare you all of the fine details but the relationship did not end on good terms as it almost cost me invaluable friends among other things.

To make this long story a bit shorter, there was a major event that transpired at the end of last year that finally made me acknowledge that I’m transgender. That was the passing of my father. My father was diagnosed with late stage lung cancer on my 26th birthday. He went through chemotherapy not long after his diagnosis and quite honestly, his views on the LGBTQIA+ community was much more positive because my niece (his granddaughter) had come out as a lesbian a few years prior and he showed nothing but support for her and the community as a whole. My only regret in life though was never telling him how I felt about wanting to transition or the fact that I was, indeed, queer/gay. My mother on the other hand, is still alive; however, her once loose views on religion have become much more conservative on all fronts. While I know that she loves me and would do anything for me, I can’t help but still be deathly afraid of coming out to her as a whole (i.e. how I have been feeling since childhood/teenage years and the relationships I kept secret from them for so many years). I’m afraid of what her reaction might be, and what my family’s reaction might be as a whole. That’s the end goal of this entire journal entry—to vent how I’m feeling and to introduce myself to you all so you know who I am.

My name is Rei. My pronouns are she/her. I have this fandom and community to thank for giving me the courage and the platform to speak freely about this (despite the long-winded nature of this post) while being so accepting. Thank you all for taking the time to read this if you made the entire way through, you don’t know how much I greatly appreciate it. Let’s make some memories together, shall we?