So, I'm not sure if this is going to continue or not; I'm really scared it'll stop as suddenly as it started. This last week though, I've been able to work. Like a normal person, you know? I haven't been able to do that, before. But the last week I've been able to spend most of each day working and enjoying myself doing it.

I didn't actually do anything to cause this, I didn't make a choice or a declaration "I'm gonna try harder!" or anything. Just, suddenly the blocks were gone, or way farther away. Stuff I was already trying and failing to do, I could just do.

I'm kinda scared to think the med I was on for 20 years was holding me back all this time. I was taking the SSRI drug Escitalopram, for depression. I was never really sure it was helping, I was still pretty depressed anyways, until we discovered I had a Vitamin D3 shortage, and then when I got diagnosed with ADHD on top of my Autism, I got an ADHD med, a slow release amphetamine stimulant. The two of them happened pretty close to eachother, and they were life changing. But it was years after that before I tried going off the Escitalopram, just a couple months ago. The depression didn't come back, I don't think the Escitalopram was helping at all. But more than that, I discovered that the emotional issues I've had all this time, being unable to feel emotions even though they're there, and having to deduce them through analyzing my own behavior. That was due to the Escitalopram, and I had no idea. I could feel again, and at first it was overwhelming. After coming off the med, my doctor hadn't properly prepared or informed me what was going to happen. Extreme emotions to start, until they tapered off to normal ones over a couple weeks. I was also having constant anxiety attacks for a few weeks. Huge spikes of arousal, too. But, after it all settled down, things were 'normal' for a bit, and then... that brings us to this week, where things have been anything but normal, but entirely in good ways.

I started doing lessons at Boot.dev months ago, and was doing 2 hours a day for a good while until the month I went off the Escitalopram. This last week, I've had days where I do 12 hours of boot.dev lessons. I'm mostly through the whole program, now. Days when I'm not focused just on boot.dev I've done other professional development tasks, programming, learning about things, development on a new portfolio project too. I've also done housework. Caught up on the dishes, cleaned up some of the kitchen. Even the top of the fridge, on a whim; it was dirty, so I cleaned it!

I don't know if this'll keep happening or not. Is this some sort of 'temporary high' from coming off the Escitalopram? Or is this what I'd just have been like all along, if I had the ADHD med and Vitamin D3 supplements?

As I've said to a few friends, I'm scared to hope for a real life. After all these years! I've been hopelessly living off the Ontario Disability Support Program for 20 years since finishing college. Every job I've gotten over these years has fallen apart. Dare I hope I've really changed? It's scary. If I fall from this, I don't know what'll happen.

Oh one last thing. I should have a new adult story to share soon. I'm writing it for a contest, and the due date is the 24th. I still have another adult writing project I teased recently, but I've been focusing more on programming than adult writing. We'll see how it goes! Keep watching this space. ;)