Ive been silent for a while. Reflecting, thinking, searching, that kinda stuff. Lot has happened over the years.
Friends going silent and feeling like im left in the dark again. Making me wonder if I did something wrong again.
It's my problem I constantly face, I know im not the best when it comes to friends. Even if I act like nothing is wrong, there is. Im in a state of fear. I know im the problem and root cause of many who left me. I dont blame them. I can be better and try to be there more.
I took a moment to look back at the path I've been walking after watching this video, was good music too. Music helps...it really does. But as I was watching it, I began to reflect on things. Trying to recall some good times but started to miss those I once knew. Those I called friends whom I unfortunately burned the bridge with. Those I cant reach out to no more due to...well having no way to.
Then I was hit with a question I honestly dont have an answer to.
Listened to others who could answer and just thought to myself... why cant I answer it?
I still dont know how to answer it and kinda been pondering.
I keep going back to the video to maybe find some way to answer....but it just doesnt come.
That and the music. Heh..
I feel like I lost so much and gained only a little. Isnt bad...its mine, hopefully it stays. But that part of me still speaks. Trying to tell me that past events will repeat and ill be alone once more. No one wanting a stupid mutt like me who cant do anything right, never has and never will.
Sometimes...I believe it. Other times I burn with a fury to prove it wrong. That I can have a happy ending and someone like me can be loved.
I sit and ponder though.. can I? With so little in the friend pool now.. can I achieve this?
The fury fades and I slip back into darkness...looking at old photos of what was but now isnt.
Where did I go wrong? What did I do...? Can this be fixed?
Am i....a bad friend? Yeah, some times im ignorant to what I do. Not realizing what im doing or saying is wrong or bad.
Virtual or Real, I feel so alone most times. The people I see, they dont feel real... the ones I talk with in virtual...are they real?
I sit and think...
I sit and wonder...
I ask myself...
"What is my dream?"