~shamanger

hey guys!
this journal is mostly for myself to put my thoughts into words rather than the roughly five active accounts that still watch me or the three people who know who I am as a person.
I'd like to thank you all, especially the ones I've met IRL - what little time we've spent together still means a lot to me!
  kira-okami   rysonanthrodog   gwehsbian~

TLDR life update; I haven't been doing well at all. I feel trapped in the haze I've been living in all my life. it's deeply impacted how I think about myself and my ability to reach out and make friends. I always assumed I was hopeless as a person, but I'm only just now starting to take my issues seriously, but progress is still slow. I'm seeing a psychologist and trying to get an ADHD assessment and all that jazz.

I don't want to talk about ADHD like it explains my whole situation without a clinical diagnosis. I may also have Sluggish Cognitive Tempo, but that's not an official diagnosis either.
I was smart and talented enough as a kid to not draw attention to my issues, but I've been depressed since I was in highschool. I never understood why things didn't seem to 'work' for me like it did for other people, and ultimately judged myself harshly for the tiny little things I felt awkward about. I was stuck in my own head and couldn't put my problems into words.

all this time I've felt guilty for not having the motivation for draw for so many years..
last year I've bought an iPad to practice drawing on that Ive barely used.
back in 2019 I bought an Oculus ("Meta") Quest to hopefully make friends in VR with, but only got as far as learning how to pirate games that I barely played. haven't even spoken to anyone in VR yet..
everything I try is just another thing to fail at and guilt myself over. looking back it seems like I haven't 'tried' at all and that makes it worse.
for several years it felt like I've lived for weeks and months at a time and didn't get to choose where my time and attention goes. I wasted it all on distractions I didn't really care about.
it look three years of living in this internal, slow burning crisis to finally see a psych, after having it on a physical to-do list for that long..

I always wished a had a reason to give up, but that's being unfair to myself.
I think about all the opportunities I was given and all the people that gave me a chance, even if I unwittingly turned them all down.
I think the guilt and shame is the only thing that keeps me going.