And by "they", I mean "everything that's ever been done to, said about, or made about me since my days on Tumblr". And the reason I state this is because I've come to realize how much I actually care about the opinions of others, and how depressing and self-destructive a mindset it is. I returned to the Internet under the name of "Shirtbusters" because I wanted to start over with a clean slate. I thought I understood where I went wrong, so I decided to try again and see how far I could get this time. And while I'm not exactly the most popular artist online, I'll admit I'm proud of myself for sticking with this account as long as I have. The old me would've vanished and tried again under a whole new name by now, but I didn't do that because I realized I can run away from the mistakes I've made, forever. I realized if I truly want to keep moving forward, I've got to face what I've done head-on, and live and learn from them.

But one of the things I didn't realize, was just how cruel, petty, and unforgiving people online can be.

When I first came back to the Internet as Shirtbusters, I was getting along fine with people. I thought I finally had a chance to start anew and be a better person. I even caught the attention of a fairly big artist with my art, and they invited me to their Discord server. I got along fine with the artist and his friends on the server, and they liked my art very much. But that's when I noticed a certain user on the server. As I don't want to risk yet another needless upset, I'm not going the namedrop the user, but I decided to approach the user via direct message; I'm sure they recognized me via my art style, so I wished to see if I could talk with them, so they and I could bury the hatchet, once and for all. Unfortunately, but unsurprisingly, the user blocked me the moment they recognized me, told the big artist (the head of the Discord server) all about me and my past transgressions, and I was ultimately blocked from that server.

And that's when I realized that everything I was trying to move on from--to escape from--was going to come back to haunt me at full force. This journal will undoubtedly be long, but I don't want to be something that'll take a whole day to read, so I'll skip to what's happening right now:

Ever since what happened that night on that Discord server, I've fallen back into my old ways: Angry, violent, fearful, overtly defensive regarding my kinks, obsessed with what others think of me, and paranoid of what others know of me.

And I do feel quite ashamed, as I wanted Shirtbusters to be the account where I truly started anew, and truly changed my ways. But I've allowed what happened on that server cause me to, yet again, get caught up in that horrible cycle of fishing for views and favorites, and lashing out at people when I don't get it. And if that weren't enough, I've also gotten caught up in an even worse cycle, a cycle where I try my hardest to explain to people why I draw the things I draw, only for it to end up being a ploy set up by people who want nothing but to exploit me for what I like to make.

There are people who see me as a genuine problem because of the art I like and support, you see. They genuinely hate me because I bear kinks that they see as "problematic", "dangerous", and "socially unacceptable". Kinks I've had long before I ever started posting things online. Kinks that I simply can't help having because my wires just got crossed at odd moments in my life. And I kept trying to justify to these people why I've got the kinks I've got so many times because I wanted them to understand. I wanted them to because I thought they could, but I was wrong.

What started out as me simply wanting others to understand my kinks ended up becoming yet another obsession. And what makes this one worse is, while I'll admit my past transgressions are mine and I ended up hurting a lot of people that didn't deserve it, the people involved in this second situation are people that're so depraved and so horrific that I really was a fool for choosing to interact with them.

These people--some of which hail from Twitter, others from Reddit--were monsters, plain and simple.

People who never wanted their minds changed; people who've no qualms lying and cheating and stealing to get what they want; people who'd dehumanize you and treat you like you're nothing but trash; people that don't believe in privacy; people chose to label me horrible things, and to this day call me and see me as those things; people who've the audacity to think I make what I make because I can't get a girlfriend.

People to whom I mean nothing to, and would've always treated me like nothing, all because of my kinks.

The Internet does a very good job at turning people into monsters who don't care who they hurt, and I've had the misfortune of encountering monster after monster after monster. And the sad thing is I allowed it to happen, because I thought that, deep down, there was a part of these people that wanted to understand, wanted to have their minds changed, wanted to be my friend. But I was wrong.

And now all these monstrous things born out of ill intentions exist to prevent me from going anywhere with my creations. Things born out of lies; things born out of misunderstandings; things born out of anger and hate; things born out of selfishness and neglect; things I never wanted, but now exist, because I couldn't let go of the fact that some people will never forgive me for my past transgressions, that some people will never understand why I draw the things I draw, and that some people really are just monsters who want nothing but to destroy me. I've been caught up in this horrific cycle of hatred and disdain and destruction for so long.

And today is the day I finally break that cycle.

I've allowed the things that others have created to prevent me from overcoming my mistakes and moving forward for far too long. I've allowed these things to have power over me, for I hated the fact these people did what they did. I believed that all they had to really do was talk things out with me, and what they did was unnecessary. And I still feel like what they did was unnecessary, for they could've talked things out with me at any time, right from the start on the website of Tumblr. But I eventually realized that this way they "solve" problems, this horrible habit of blowing anything and everything out of proportion, is just a mentality the Internet encourages, and these people have no problem perpetuating. It's unhealthy, it's unethical, and I've officially had enough of it. And still, I allowed it all to have power over me, since people would always judge me for what they've seen me do, even though it was all in the past.

But it's clear to me now that the only reason these things have power over me, is because I've let them have power over me.

And I'm done letting them.

I don't think I'll ever understand why people on the Internet find it easier to look to screenshots and videos of things that've happened so long ago to formulate their opinion of me now. And I'd be lying if I wrote that I'm still not a little paranoid because of it. But my past is just that: My past. It isn't my future, but if I continue to allow my past to have power over me, I'm not going to have a future.

I no longer care about views or favorites; it turns out there really is much more to art than that, after all. And if people hate me for my past, they hate me for it, for I'm done trying to get people to see me for who I am now, and if they want to continue seeing me for who I was then, they're welcome to. If they want to hate me for my kinks, they're welcome to do that to; I did the best I could to get them understand them, but they never listened. They never wanted to listen, they just wanted something to exploit, something to laugh at. But I don't need them to understand it to know what I'm doing isn't wrong, and it's okay to make what I make.

But as for Tumblr, and Twitter, and Reddit, and the people on it? After being on all these websites for so long, there's something I've come to realize that is quite horrifying, but is very true:

These websites are trash, and (some of) the people on them are even trashier.

While I'm obviously not a saint, I've encountered some truly, truly shit-eating people. People I obsessed over trying to please, people I wanted to be my friend; people I was desperate to talk to. And it was a mistake to care so much for what these kinds of people think. People that would abandon you without a second thought, bully you for the littlest thing, and then just disappear, happy that they spread the chaos they spread and made you look like a fool. These websites are trash, and I'm done with them.

And do you know what the most interesting thing about all this is? Despite everything I've written regarding all these people, I can still find it in my heart forgive them for everything. And the only real reason I've chosen to forgive them, is because of that user back on that Discord server.

Like I wrote, all I wanted was to bury the hatchet, let bygones be bygones. But that user, that user who chose to expose me and get me kicked from that server, wasn't having it. And while I was bummed about getting kicked from the server, I was actually more horrified at that user. I was horrified because it was so long since I last interacted with them on any website, let alone Discord, and to see them be as angry and hateful as they were all these years ago when I made the mistakes that started all of this. To see how they feel be absolutely no different. To see them still have nothing for contempt for me.

I've chosen to forgive the people who've done what they've done to me because I don't want to be like that user on Discord. Someone who's chosen to just hold a grudge, to keep that anger and hate inside, and allow it to stay within them until the end of their days. While they may have just forgotten me, the fact they flew into that rage the moment they recognized me shows just how huge that hatred for me was, and how little it took for it to surface.

And I came to realize that that's not living.

That's not life.

And I've lived exactly like that for quite a while, and I refuse to live like that any longer.

In conclusion, I've made my mistakes, and I've tried my best to right my wrongs. And while things aren't perfect, and there're still people who hate me, people who troll me, and things people have made and done to get other people to stay away from me...

I've chosen to let those people and those things have power over me no longer.

Because there's more to art than views and favorites and popularity; here's more to life than the Internet; and, while it took a very long time, I've found my real friends:

People I can trust.

People I can talk to (and, believe it or not, they actually respond back).

People I can share my artwork with, and they don't slap a million labels on me for it.

People who stood by me when so many others were either too afraid, or too hateful to.

And I'll continue for them and leave the monsters to bite the dust.

It may take me 50 years to make a mark on the world with my art, but I'll work hard each and every day of those 50 years, because I am many, many things...

But I always have been, and always will be, an artist.