Hey guys.

Just frustrated with a lot of things right now, and I'm tired of stewing in it and at least wanna get it off my chest. This is gonna go pretty long, probably, and I'm definitely not organizing it in cute bullet points or anything so expect a few paragraphs of word vomit. You don't need to read through all of this. Thanks for hearing me out, at the very least. I appreciate you for taking the time to read the rantings of a fed up lizard.

I turned 26 in September, and it just kinda kickstarted fears I've had in the back of my mind for a couple years now that I'm not getting any younger. There are things in my life that I want really badly, but I'm downright shitty at getting into new habits, and the second I miss a day and lose the rhythm, I'm right back out like it never even happened. I'm frustrated at myself for not having more discipline and commitment to things even though I have this rational, logical side to my thoughts that's saying I would be better if I just did the things and not wallow in it, but here I am.

I'm closer to 30 now than I am to 20, and seeing some of the men in my family fills me with dread of what's in store for me. I'm pretty lithe in real life, and I have long hair that I love feeling down my shoulders. Some of the art I've commissioned involving my human self TFing into various end results will reveal that, too. I joined a new gym that opened up near my apartment to work with a personal trainer on getting my health into shape so I don't have to worry as much about losing all of that given my genetics. I like the relative size I'm at, but if you've seen my commissioned art, it'll come as no surprise that I loveeeeee massive muscles. I'll never attain the hyper hulking bodybuilder status that I see in so many amazing pics on the site, but I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a skinny guy with just that weird little soft spot around my midsection. I want nothing more than to look in the mirror and see my abs, I wanna fill out my sleeves, I wanna show off a little pec cleavage when I wear tank tops. But it's taken me this long to even start looking into a gym routine, and now I really just need to bully myself into sticking with it because I'm so afraid of what'll happen if I don't.

The other super huge thing that's been on my mind lately is that fine line between kink and sex, that sliver on the Venn diagram where the two don't overlap. I identify as asexual out in the world just because it's easier to explain that I don't experience sexual attraction to people, and that's true. But it grossly oversimplifies my feelings. In reality, the closest thing I've found to describe myself is demiromantic aegosexual. I love people as an extrovert, but it takes a long time of being friends with someone before I feel an intimate, romantic connection with them, and even then, the idea of engaging in sexual intercourse just doesn't excite me. Still, my body has reactions to certain things that bring me pleasure, and it's so hard to find people that understand that overlap. I love muscles, and leather, and transformation, and jockstraps, and all of these things that do make me hard, and I enjoy taking sexual pleasure in those things, up to and including masturbation. Sex is supposed to feel good, and that pleasure feels amazing, but there's a difference to jacking off to a dragon with a six pack, as opposed to actually getting in bed with someone and sticking my dick in them. Physical touch is one of my big love languages, so as much as I love hugs and snugs, I still feel awkward sometimes because there are so many people conditioned to believe sex is just a natural next step after that physical intimacy and it just isn't for me. I'd love to explore my fantasies with people, both irl and online, and discover new ways to enjoy myself in the company of like minded kink enjoyers. I've seen pics of room parties where everyone is dressed up in zentai and completely anonymous otherwise, and that's so fucking hot to me. The chance to experience something like that would be amazing, but if I actually went to one, I don't want that looming assumption of sex taking place to overshadow the enjoyment of just worshiping a guy's pecs. I wanna download an app to meet someone hot and play out these fantasies, to try on a harness, or massage someone's oversized muscles, or try on jockstraps in every color under the sun, but I'm also fraught with worry that if I try to communicate that I want all of these things but not sex, that a prospective partner would think I'm being a letdown or a killjoy by not wanting to have sex with them.

All off these issues, my lack of commitment, my dislike of my own body, and my paranoia about my kinks, culminate in this impostor syndrome that weighs me down so heavily. I know, rationally, logically, and objectively, that I'm not an ugly or unattractive person. I'm positive that I'm physically capable of making the changes I want to see in myself, but so rarely do I ever actually do anything about them. I created Shoxic as a character and crafted him into my sona to represent this idealized extension of my own self, and I just get so angry with myself when I don't see those qualities I like about him looking back at me in the mirror.

I recently won a slot in a YCH auction that pushed so many of my buttons, and I'm ecstatic to get to share it with everyone when it's ready. For now, the rough sketch wip is off to a fantastic start, and I'm so grateful to the artist for working with my characters (including some that have barely seen the light of day before now), but behind that energy and sensuality, it made it sorta click in my mind where all that lack of self-esteem is eating away at me the most. The characters are being drawn in a way that implies Shoxic is naked, but doesn't show anything explicit from him because that's a boundary I'm not comfortable crossing with him, and I much prefer the suggestive and teasing variants with implied nudity like this, or a jockstrap covering the goods. There's something about the way that this character, who is supposed to be a stand in for my perfected vision of myself, just casually and confidently enjoying himself, fully naked, in a kinky scenario with other characters, without being involved in actual sex, that's itching so much at me.

I'm *not* confident in myself like that at all. I know I have a bright and outgoing personality and that I'm capable of a lot, but the standards I hold myself to because I know I'm capable of attaining them have left me so self-conscious about the imperfections I see that I know aren't at the forefront of literally anyone else's mind. There is nothing I want more on this earth right now, than to have the confidence in myself, my body, and my fantasies, to seek out, find, and relish in the opportunities that bring me orgasmic pleasure. I can't even go shirtless at the pool, but I find myself longing for the chance to strip down to a jockstrap, or even fully naked, and just laying in bed with another man, feeling his muscles and relishing his touch as he explores my body, without it being weird or awkward because there's no sex happening, and without worrying about feeling stupid about it. I wanna wrap my chest up in a tight leather harness and a skimpy pair of short shorts and prance around at Pride like I see so many other beautiful people do. Even if I know I'll always be human in real life, I want to find a partner willing to act out TF fantasies with me while we pretend to grow to hyper sizes and sprout tails or wings or horns and make believe that we can become whatever we wish.

I have a very dear friend in real life who knows about me being a furry, but not to the extent of my fetishes. We've spent a few times, curled up together with the TV on in the background, and maybe it's the little bit of alcohol in our systems, but occasionally we'll end up under a blanket together, in our underwear, just feeling each other close as we shut out the world for a short time. I have another friend that means the world to me, since we have almost identical kinks and fantasies. We met by chance in a group on Telegram, and we've roleplayed and chatted and teased about impossibly hot scenarios with each other, including an instance where he teased and prodded at a mutual fixation we were relishing in over a voice call, until he brought me over the edge and I made a sticky mess all over my chest. Easily the hottest thing I've ever done in my whole life, but due to our physical distance and a smorgasbord of health issues on his end, I know that it's a pipe dream to ever meet up in real life and enjoy each other's company beyond the medium of a computer screen and a long history of spicy DMs. There are times when I feel like I'm so close to almost having that joy of unbridled and unabashed companionship, that mutual exploration and sensual fun, but when the fleeting moments of euphoria pass, I'm left with an ache in my bones for the chance to take it to the next step, but knowing it just isn't meant to be through the paths I'm currently on.

I love myself, but I don't like the way I am. I know what I want, and what I need, but I have no idea where to turn to find someone that can fill the void in my desires. I know there are people in my life that love me, but I want to feel loved and beautiful and needed, and I can't help but find myself drifting along through my life, with everything ringing hollow when the brief happiness ends. I want to explore without worrying of being awkward or disappointing when it doesn't go the way the other person expected it, but I also want the moments when I do feel proud of myself to not be twinged with lingering guilt that I can't shake despite knowing it's an invalid argument against what I've accomplished. I know exactly what I want, but I wholeheartedly believe there just isn't a word in the English language to perfectly encapsulate what that thing is, and it's leaving me lonely and dissatisfied with myself in ways that I'm only recently starting to understand. It's a feeling I've known all too well for several years now, but only recently have I finally figured out a possible explanation for where it stems from. It's a start, but I've got a long, looooong way to go before I get to a point where I can look back and say that I've overcome it.

I really doubt anyone is gonna magically have the answer for me, but any leads or kind words are always appreciated. Thanks again for taking the time to read even a little snippet of this. I hope good fortune and happiness fill your future with satisfaction and joy, and I hope they fill mine, too.