Just lately I've been wondering if I even identify with being a furry anymore, or whether it's just a sort of phase you go through. When I actively embraced it during uni I met some nice people but rarely made any meaningful connections with anyone. I drew my own art, which was okay-ish but didn't really go anywhere. I felt like an idiot answering questions about why I wore a dog collar for so long. I think I went to one small meet in Newcastle where 90% of the guys were either playing with their phones/Nintendo DS and not talking to each other except for one guy boasting about his commissions. All the things I liked about being a furry sort of dissolved when it came to applying them into the real world, which was a naieve expectation admittedly. I still identify with canine personality traits, but I don't like the idea of alienating my regular old friends that took a lot of luck and love to stick with over the years. Nothing seemed to make sense about pursuing it as a hobby or a function of my personality. I couldn't help growling at people when I got high, or shaking off after a shower, or yipping when I get an unexpected pinch. Sometimes it felt like going to a car meet. You all have the same car, but you're total strangers. Maybe I just needed to make more of an effort.

Why I thought it may be a phase is because of how vital it felt when I was a teenager into my early 20s. It was an intrinsic part of my life and I wanted people to know who I was, warts and all. Increasingly real life and bills and drama takes over, to the point where you just can't exist in a mindstate where you can only relate to other people who think they are at least part animal. Sometimes I'm not even sure if it's just a fetish. I don't think being a furry is a bad thing, just that maybe it doesn't really work with an introspective personality. Maybe I just thought I had something unique and special to me spiritually, when it turns out a lot of people had that feeling in a better and stronger way.

Welcome to my first journal in five years.

Lots of love

sil