NEWSFLASH: Early Cuyler to be re-instated, re-imbursed, and un-suspensionified on hit Adult Swim show Squidbillies

Early Cuyler, the patriarch of the Cuyler family of Appalachian Mud squids, is to have the indefinite suspension put on him indefinitely suspended and will return to the show Squidbillies.

Cuyler was suspended after making inflammatory remarks in a recent interview with Guns and Trucker Hats Quarterly. The remarks gained the attention of many civil groups, and have been called “hateful, ill-informed, rude, racist, homophobic, misogynistic, anti-Semitic, misanthropic, ageist, speciesist and down-right mean.” As to why these groups were reading Guns and Trucker Hats Quarterly, the groups have been unavailable for comment.

Cuyler and his family gained fame after the Adult Swim network decided to chronicle the clan of squids with their own TV show. The show sky-rocketed to fame, making the family household names despite viewer’s complete inability to identify with the star’s opinions, beliefs, or even his species. Despite clear indications of his views, fans and people in general were surprised when Cuyler made his “off-color” remarks.

Now, let’s be honest, hyer. The mens is supposed to stay with the womins and the womins is supposed to stay with the mens and whichever womins the mens wants ‘em to be with, either to particitipate, or to watch comfortably. They definitely ain’t supposed to be runnin’ around with no Snakemens and Mexicanos like some cheain’ whore bitch WHO SHALL NOT BE IDENTERIFIED. It’s all right hyer, in the Bible. What, you sayin’ it ain’t? ‘Cuz it’s in ther! It also says in ther I can WHOOP YO ASS! You best CHECK YOSELF ‘FORE YOU WRECK YOSELF! WOO!

After the suspension, a seemingly equal amount of people were outraged Cuyler was “censored.” Former governor of Alaska and vice presidential candidate and mother of an unwed teenage mother Sarah Palin has voiced her support of Cuyler via Twitter. In the Twit, Palin said Cuyler’s suspension, and people being inexplicably shocked by it, was an attack on free speech. Whether there have been other rednecks considering a paramilitary uprising as a result of the Twit is not yet known.

The Adult Swim network has decided to take Cuyler off suspension, however, making all of the furor and argument pointless and making countless people wonder if it was all just a publicity stunt. Dan Halen, owner and CEO of Dan Halen Sheetrock International, the parent company of Adult Swim, has released a statement.

We here at Dan Halen Sheetrock International in no way condone or support Cuyler’s viewpoints. However, the sales of Squidbillies merchandise, such as hats, mugs, t-shirts, sweatshirts, sweatpants, underpants, carpets, drapes, rugs, DVDs, VHSs, BetaMax, cassettes, hot dogs, hamburgers, French fries and food stamps, all licensed under Dan Halen Incorporated and protected by international copyright law, have hardly been affected by this controversy. As such, I am obligated to keep Cuyler on. It’s simple supply and demand; you people demand it, and I supply it. Keynes couldn’t have written it better himself. Now GET OUT!

Filming of Squidbillies will resume shortly, and Cuyler’s suspension will have no effect on upcoming episodes, without a doubt making it all for naught.

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