gods fucking dammit I am not doing okay

- starting with just, the world, in general right now
- been sick with something for most of a week, which is annoying in its own right but makes everything else WORSE
- constant money stress made worse by staying home sick for two days
- coming up on 41 years old (so probably around halfway through my life) and my bucket list feels like it's six miles long and only growing
- but then on top of that realizing just how godsdamned fucking lonely I am, I want a partner but nobody I know who might qualify lives anywhere nearby
- plus I'm touch-starved to hell and back

that's the big thing

but I'm also pretty sure that's bleeding over into my roleplaying shit

- think I've developed an OOC crush on one of the other players despite only ever interacting through text
- my character's got a crush on theirs, but theirs is in multiple other relationships already, one of which is fairly complicated, and mine might have had a chance there if I hadn't spent the first six months in the group (we happened to join at the same time) doing *fuck-all* in terms of activity
- so it feels like it's *my fault* that that's super unlikely to go where I want it to go
- and I'm having a hell of a time keeping IC and OOC feelings separate, which is just exacerbating the previous point about being *so godsdamned lonely*

Plus a few other factors I don't really feel like including here, and...it's been a rough week. I think I've cried more in the last 3 days than in any previous YEAR.