I just wanted to ramble about something that's been on my mind and this felt like the best place for it. Read or don't, I think I'm just trying to organize my thoughts. Feedback welcome though, of course!

"Brand Recognition" has never been something I've been good at, "marketing" does not come naturally to me and I've sucked at being my own boss. I lack focus, direction and a distinct style. I've thought about it a lot and I've tried to remedy it but nothing sticks. I've floundered for my entire art "career" (if we can call it that) and it's always been a point of pain for me. I want to do better but feel I'm doing things "wrong". I don't want to be defeatist or a downer which I've done plenty of in the past... I just really, really want to improve and get somewhere that I can be proud of. Something that I can show to family and friends and prove I'm not a failure or wasting my time with this stuff.

Success seems to come so naturally to others. Not everyone, of course, it's just the rockstars really stand out. I've been in the fandom for 20+ years now and you'd think that'd mean I've left a bigger mark but nobody really knows who I am. I think in the early years when things felt smaller I was more known but now as things have exploded with social media and the fandom growing exponentially with so much amazing talent many of us older folks have faded out. That's probably just the natural way of things... as much as many of us don't want to "grow out of" this, life does have a way of getting in the way sometimes... I don't have the same amount of time or energy as a young person just getting started. I don't mean to compare myself to others, I know that can be harmful... but in trying not to do that I've just shut down entirely on being involved at all. I have a hard time looking at what everyone else is doing when I feel I've done so little...

Anyway, I digress... I'm sure my ADHD and depression have played a part in my struggle. Maybe it's the ADHD that makes it so hard to define myself or make a cohesive "brand". I spent a long time not understanding what the problem was with me and just assuming I was broken or a failure. I couldn't understand why I couldn't do what others seemed to be able to do so easily. How are some of my friends such successful entrepreneurs with multiple projects that they can focus on and finish up consistently? I don't have consistency I have squirrel brain. As much as I try to set schedules and due dates and project plans... as many notes as I scribble down while giving myself pep talks on why this time will be different and how I can do it if I just TRY... I end up back right where I started. Overwhelmed with half finished projects everywhere. A messy room with half my art supplies still in boxes. No direction and spinning out again and again... I try to romanticize it as an artist's struggle... many greats overcame mental hurdles to speak their truth and make their art anyway! So here I am still trying... I just wish I was doing more.

The other day I was googling my name (skwerl) and was surprised nothing of mine showed up on several pages of results. I remember back in the day it did- all my social medias and galleries would pop up. Of course back then it was mostly just LiveJournal and FurAffinity and DeviantArt but still they were first page results. Now it's nothing and other people have started using the name "skwerl" on X and Instagram and things like that. But that's my fault for not establishing a brand and sticking with this name for the long haul. I moved around and made other names and other accounts with other characters and really struggled with my identity. Now I'm back to base and wondering if I missed my shot to keep it... is "skwerl" -mine- still? If I work towards establishing "brand recognition" do I reclaim it or move on? I used to think the history of the name might matter and then at other times I thought starting fresh with a different name might be best. But all that flip-flopping was a detriment to establishing myself- even though I saw other artists make it work but many had successful branding- new logos with catchy names that sound like a proper business and all that.

I've been Skwerl and Wyngaed and Tonkzilla... but they're all just nicknames or screen names or character names or whatever you wanna call them. Skwerl was my first proper fandom name and character but Wyngaed started as just a World of WarCraft character and Tonkzilla is my gamertag and my main toon on Guild Wars 2. I eventually made fursonas for those names and tried to make them "me" but they didn't stick. So do these names mean -anything-? I don't know. I don't think they're memorable. They don't sound like a brand or a business. They barely feel like "me"... but I think that's just me being... me. Struggling with consistency and direction again. Struggling with identity. It's hard to know what fits or what will stick when I feel like an undefinable amorphous blob of whatever.

(If I could insert gifs I'd put Zoolander staring into a puddle saying "who am I?" and then his reflection answering "I dunno" right here- I probably overuse it but my brain seriously replays that scene whenever my thoughts get to this point about my identity and "brand" and stuff lol)