still in nebraska, had an awful time for the first month but am staying in a safer place now with a friend who's helped me for years. finished job training, have solid future independent business plans + housing plans with a cool dog person i've met since moving here. the grand scheme is to provide this city with science based, balanced dog training that is currently mainly unavailable to the general public. peoples' options are folks like me at big box stores who are not allowed to teach clients the full use of the 4 quadrants, or shitty old fashioned koehler method trainers who just shut dogs down. the market for ethical balanced training is totes open here, and i am excited to be a part of bringing it to this area. also gaining interest in the pet retail area, since retail is usually required for a successful training business if you don't also offer boarding or daycare. might get into board and train after june when i move in with dog trainer buddy if housemates all consent, as that is where the money is right now...

other than that mainly just trying to cope with all the bullshit i have had to experience since october of last year, have reached a point where i am starting to feel very nonfunctional again mainly because corporate job scheduled me way too many hours and lack of permanent residence/constant money worries have severely exacerbated my PTSD symptoms. back to where i was in october/november when i just cry all the time for no apparent reason, no real emotional regulation since bouncing around so many places and being so goddamn stressed since being here. and ofc i log on here for the first time in weeks just to see something else to be stressed about lmao but it's whatever, i put effort into not being a burden on others and it still is not good enough ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i am interacting with people regularly now with whom i have much healthier relationships than i have had with previous people in my life, and who don't make me uncomfortable/aren't made uncomfortable by my mere presence i guess?

beyond that i have a bunch of art i owe people, have been way too stressed to work on art because it takes so much mental energy but i am hoping that maybe i can get back to a functional point again soon. getting back on hormones next month is good for morale. also searching for a malinois breeder, making local dog people connections (meeting local schutzhund club this weekend, i plan on joining to decoy), excited about future business prospect that is an extremely realistic and attainable goal considering the growth of the industry. my main goal rn is honestly just trying to not off myself or quit the corporate job before the other business starts up. no longer having to worry about being poked and prodded with unrealistic expectations is definitely helping. being able to take damn sleeping pills and smoke a bowl at a friend's house every so often is also very nice. also having actual irl friends to hang out with is awesome, holy shit. i have wanted to be social my entire life, and i finally have a chance to be. it feels great, i just wish i could enjoy or appreciate other peoples' company more. i feel like right now i am too fucked up in the head, too stressed out about existence.