Howdy,

I'm not usually one to talk about myself in journals but I feel it's time to say something. Forgive me for this scattered rant.

For people who've met me in discord or vrchat you might've noticed I stopped showing up. The main reason for that is from my anxiety. For whatever reason I get a feeling of inadequacy and that I'm not valuable enough to be around others. At first it's small but it reaches a boiling point. So I start showing up less and less until I'm just gone. It's happened far too many times than I'd like to admit. People I've flown across country to visit I would likely not talk to again online.

Even in DMs, I would love to chat with people. Over time the same negative feeling hit and my anxiety worsened to the point where I would feel like a burden and recluse again and again.

To some this might seem strange of me. I've been called an extrovert before because I can talk with people. My goofy behavior both online and in person made it seem like I was alright, but I very much wasn't. My closest friends and coworkers knew me to the point where they could tell it was my off days. Even at my old job I was given a longer break because of how troubled I looked haha.

Now that it's 2025, I've been at this new job for almost 2 years and I can most certainly say that I am worse off mentally. The feeling of losing a lot of friends has me in anguish and I can only watch as there's little I can do. My shift doesn't align with the average workday so I can't talk to others in a meaningful way. Vrchat has its challenges because you can meet great people and then become estranged weeks later. That's the main reason I haven't been around the last month. Feeling neglected. And what did I do to pass the time? Work ... A terrible idea in the end. So much overtime has made me drained and as I'm nearing the end of my hiatus I'm kinda nervous to return.

To conclude, my life has unfortunately become work and sleep. Womp womp. But I'll still be the same fat ass/goofy gnoll that everyone sees. Cause at the end of the day, being depressed and alone doesn't help so I'll try to improve myself.

Peace