Reinventing yourself sure takes it out of you, huh?

Hullo folks; I'm always so grateful for any of you who do genuinely follow me, and even moreso if any posts of mine get read. This has been a year of so many changes, challenges, and reboots on a lot of levels. Part of all of that is also the concept of "trying something new, in order to get different results".

I get skittish when I get positive attention. I've been working on unpacking that a lot in these recent years (months?); because it's really not a great personality trait to have when one is trying to be a "successful artist". Sure, there's making stuff for myself, that's always going to exist; but I actually enjoy making things for other people, too. I like art as a social play-space, and especially kink-and-adult embracing spaces. Not even because getting-off is the end goal, but because I get the impression it's so much easier to be truly earnest and authentic in spaces where I don't have to worry so much about censorship, coming off as too weird, or having to "make excuses" for liking weird shit.

I've always been either hyper-independent, or aloof, and whenever I would start seeing my work get traction -- survival instinct kicks in, and tells me to run off and hide from the threat of either overwork, disappointing others (??), or losing myself in the pursuit of getting more and more attention. There's also the aspect of fearing like, "being turned into something" by public demand, if that makes sense? It was a weird experience to look back on all the art I've done in recent years and seeing that more than half of it was piss kink art. I think I had complicated feelings about that.

AND YET, I also know I don't want to stop? It makes me happy, it makes other people happy -- I think part of me wishes I had this same level of energy and enthusiasm for something "more respectable/mainstream approved" or at least, something that feels like it's constructive, contributing to solving something. Sometimes making erotic art can feel like I'm contributing to a sort of self-numbing instead of self-empowerment. And yet I also know, the latter can be really true. I remember how validated I felt when I first saw my own body shape reflected in someone else's art, and celebrated too! Maybe this too, is just a form of connection and communication..?

I recently went through (legal) psychedelic-assisted therapy sessions to help me process a bunch of things. A good deal of it seems to affect how I relate and interact with others. Nowadays, it genuinely does feel as if I've unlocked a whole chunk of a previously dormant brain; I'm motivated to interact with people more, I feel loneliness more acutely, I can look at faces more... In the past, the idea of spending time with others would make me feel dread and immediate exhaustion. Nowadays? I carry a longing so painful and visceral to "find my tribe" and the place and people I can belong to, thrive in, grow, support and be supported. I feel a little like a shaky fawn-doe scrambling to stand and wandering into the open. There might be wolves, might not be wolves, but laying and hiding won't stop wolves from coming regardless. I likely have better chances of "finding my herd" just by being seen and active, as clumsy as it is.

I get self-conscious about being clumsy in my bonds. For years, I really wanted to come off as professional, in control, self-reliant. I want to have "self-mastery" to the point of not needing anyone at all -- and being able to support others without ever needing anything myself. But that's just not really a sane or healthy possibility. Coming to accept that is scary and a little gut-wrenching; because man, it really does mean that being vulnerable is inescapable if one wants to make earnest connections.

I'm actually not sure where I'm going with all of this? I think I mostly just get embarrassed by posting lots for a short sprint, going as far as to post potential projects or big ideas, and then ghosting. And then coming back, dusting myself off, and go "haha that was weird, it's over now though!! I'm back for good this time!!" and then I ghost again. I'm mad about that!! Why do I do thaaaat!! I want to be here, and reliable.

But most of all, I need to take up being kind to myself even when I get spooked, overwhelmed, or retreat. No one can hate themselves into a better version of themselves in the long term.

This has been part of a life update, part vent(?), part also just; thank you for following, and commenting, and even just liking my horny shit if that's as shallow of an interaction you want to do. Seeing that someone else out there goes "That's hot", soothes my silly soul just a little bit.

After all, in the end, we're all just kind of temporarily present on this flying rock. We've got to make it a good time.