Hello, Suppose you've been wondering about my whereabouts?
Firstly, Im okay. Alot of changes have happened in the past few months... To anyone scanning through, [no callouts, no drama, just updates]

So first of all, Stress, Anxiety, Depression on a grand scale. My memory is fuzzy, but it was around the march era where things set off... My mind was inching in darkness. things didnt seem to be going my way. like having a routine... only to not follow it, procrastinate and stress out. it kept draining my energy... eventually leading to me oversharing all my woes and vents... my "friends" started to get annoyed. I understand them. Everyone has their boundaries and I was overstepping during my mental breakdowns.
My real intrusive thoughts kept coming out. envy, bitterness... Now, i always had the good grace to keep them to myself. only those closest to me would know..
that diminished as I was clearly becoming a lost cause... Eventually all the 'friends' decided to cut me out. it was clear i needed to be away from everyone, some time to heal...

This was ofcourse a huge shock... i essentially had my traumas relived. being abandoned, isolarted, left alone... except... i wasnt fully alone... Yes, i was kicked out from servers, but some kept in touch... albeit far away... Eventually, i couldnt take it all... everyones just distancing from me, im hurting, understandably lashing out, and they dont deserve it. couldn't blame them.

the shock, STILL rings inside me as i type this... this is WHY i had to type it... because... 2025 is the year i will dedicate for mental health. Il touch on that, il continue the vent:

yes, i keep getting intrusive thoughts about checking out old friends... its not a good idea. dangerous. But it eats at me... this happened so long i had to walk away from the community... the internet even, just a small detox..

as my mental health worsened, it affected goign to work. i tried to keep up with the systems to keep things in place... and i couldnt take the job. had to go. How do you recover from this? all this shock, before the year is over?... don't give up i guess...

So im at my ground zero... i just wanted some relief... something to go right for ONCE... something to go my way... i realized i couldnt keep momentum. yes, you get good... now enjoy the rug pull.. whoops, depressed again.

so... how did i get here? Well I tried the doctors... (almost) USELESS. our NHS is struggling... no counsellors to talk to. nope, i get a nurse who gives me antidepressants, tells me to take them, im sick of the pills. but, the NHS is too strained, so how do i get therapy?

at first, private? but my money was running low (i was also in the process of setting up my support system so i DONT go homeless)...

so next i reach out for community... and i find a group. every week id have a one on one session with a counsellor... i got to be honest, got to have my validation of all the pain and suffering i went through..
but i also had my breakthroughs. ive gotten healthier.

meanwhile, getting fed up with the meds, i remember the ole cannabis.. and its medically legal in the uk. so i apply for that. Now, there is struggle. expensive + my family's views on it. eventually they came around after seeing how low i sunk...
.. sorry.. that hurts to admit...

so i get the whole process done and approved... whilst i wait on that, im back at therapy. i learn new coping skills... i look into the grand scalel... i remember to keep to the present... move on from the past (like 2024. fuck that year)...
i finally get my medicinal cannabis... so a HUGE relief is on me... no more law fears or job fears...

thats 1 step.. however, keeping it afforded is tricky. my support system is very scarce for it but it IS an important medicine (no matter how expensive)... it has boosted my appetite, my stress dissipates... i can keep focused... all my sensory, my information taking is limited so i dont get overwhelmed.

another step? Setting boundaries.. I realize 'I' have choices too. i am entitled to being comfortable... so... ive been stricter on who to trust... and who to open... this also ties to: Compassion/Empathy. Now ive had HyperEmpathy. i soak in too much drama and vents that i eventually end up drained myself. so i remembered... "If i cant change anything, i will NOT worry about it. out of my hands. I will be there for friends, but i will keep my own mind safe."

my therapist said it best: "two bad minded people cannot solve a problem. but One good and One bad will eventually do it."

Nextly: reducing stress/obstacles. Okay, the biggest obstacle right now is finances. its just about enough to live, but it does stress me. it wont be forever, so i dont worry about it. it takes time to cope.
But I only worry on the things i have to control. if i cannot fix or sort it, i dont stress...

this has boosted my confidence. e.g. i go to a job, i make sure im NOT taken advantage of. If problems happen, then they happen. no need to stress.

im going on and on...

Part of boundaries... the toughest one... is to mute and hide anytime i see triggering posts... Remember, I had an envy/jealousy problem. (i still do) but i recognise how to cope. and if that means i need to block out positive messages so be it... e.g. UserX posted this Me: Hide for me.
I can always remember the good times, but I cannot look at the present of them or any positive news... lest... my triggers come out... and i feel bad.. (isolation is extreme but sometimes necessary)
This isnt limited to the community... i did the same for my family, my mum would tell me all about how good my cousins, uncles, aunts were doing... or even my bros/sister... it tore me up.. ;( ... it still does ;...(
so i sternly told her that i wanted RADIO SILENCE on any form of news of the family... I realize im THAT hurting... that i need to isolate myself from the news because the envy/jealousy inside me would pain and drain me... it didnt matter if it was.. 'Cousin X has a job here...' OR 'Cousin Y just got a new game..'
however trivial, it would send me into tears... trauma. extreme measures had to be taken...

THis sounds dark so il spice it up with some good:
The optimism of losing your job, friends, motivation, mind at square 1? you can rebuild it all back.

I control the boundaries, who is my friend, the job i pick, what motivates me... I can choose the right friends... i can make sure my triggers are locked away (and one day, own them. defeat them)... I will NOT jeopardize myself by 'chasing clout with art/animation'... OR jumping into the first job i find in the real world... I will take my time... Research, do my study... Money or fame isnt my goal.. my goal is... Peace of mind.... its free, but hard to obtain... It could be worse... I never got cancelled... I never hurt anyone with lasting damage... everyone involved will move on, just as I have...

so yeah... I've been working on myself... and... The winter blues STILL hit me... typing all of this out has made me feel better... and its good because i can leave it behind and start 2025 anew... (This took me a while to write, and even STILL i feel as though I will forget to type a vent... I just hope i got everything out)

How would YOU feel if you had all these shocks go off.. and you relive trauma... you struggle to keep things afloat as you scramble to peace... you run into problems, but never give up..!

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If by any chance any old/exfriends/acquaintances of mine read this... thanks for shocking me into bettering myself.... Idk if we'll ever be friends again(i mute/block stuff), but I want peace.