I love this feeling. This love, acceptance, and dedication all turned inward. I love that the greatest love affair of my life is with myself. It is passionate, unwavering. No shadow of a doubt that I am in love with my body, and my body is in love with my soul. Because being able to love myself this deeply allows me to love others without hindrance, without insecurity. I love them, knowing my happiness and worth does not stem from them, but is something I can share with them. This is a feeling that I hope they find for themselves as well.

Yet I let myself grieve it. I grieve the world where I was but a simple child wandering the garden of life, dazzled by the colors, the sounds, and the smells. Lost in the wonder and joy of life and being alive. That naive innocence that, as children, blinds us all from the sharp knowledge that living is agony as much as it is beauty. From the knowledge that pain itself can be beautiful, as without pain, pleasure, joy, and love would not hold the same significance. They would not be something to strive for, but instead something we take for granted.

So yes, I grieve her, the child who was harmed yet only saw beauty and wonder and who lived in hope and acceptance. I grieve her because I love her. I have become the woman who should have been there to protect her from the horrors she faced with a small, ignorant smile. I may grieve her, but I will never go back. I will continue growing, and healing, and protecting that little girl in my heart like she should have been protected by those who she called family. I am strong now, I am safe now, I can grieve her without breaking. I can grieve without living in the past, in fact, I grieve so I may move on, not forgetting but also not bound by the past. Moving on while learning from the past so that I may never let myself be harmed like that again, so that I may see when others suffer and be able to reach out and help them when I can.

I love myself. I love that I was not just a victim who survived, but I am someone who went through hell and flourished instead of withering. I am proud, I am happy, I am loved. I am surrounded by friends, chosen family, my loved ones, who love and respect me not for what I can do or provide, but for me, and most importantly, I love the person I am.

And I hope, if you are reading this, that you get to feel this too, because you deserve to feel loved, accepted, and safe. Not just by others, but to love and accept yourself<3