gofund.me/l7u6cs

CW: sexual assault, transmisogyny
I know I've been mostly inactive here, at least posting-wise. This is a long and heavy post, but I'm infinitely grateful to anyone who reads this.

This is going to be difficult for me to write about, but it's important for me to talk about this, as it's something I have been very silent about, intentionally. I've tried to write about this on social media for a while, but each time, I get overwhelmed and just find it easier to stop thinking about the situation again.

On March 25th last year, 2014, I was sexually assaulted in public, by a stranger. I went out to purchase food for my pet Spagett, a royal python and I was approached in the store by a person who engaged me in conversation. I felt uncomfortable and politely dismissed the conversation. On my way out of the store, I stopped in the back to use the restroom, and while in there, was assaulted by the same person. After they told me that they would meet me out front after I had broken free of them, I left the restroom and made my way to the cashier as fast as possible, hoping to make it out of the store before this person so I could just get in my car as fast as possible and leave. I had no thoughts of retribution, no desire for justice. I just wanted to be safe. But while I was making my purchase, they walked out of the store and proceeded to wait in the parking lot for me. What ensued was me running through the parking lot trying to escape them while they got into their truck and chased me down. I was able to evade by ducking into another store and running out of the back while they parked, trying to pursue me. I ran through yet another store, exiting and running around the perimeter of the shopping center, still just trying to run away and get back to my car. It was only after getting back to my car, changing shirts to attempt to use any disguise possible, and starting to drive away that I saw my abuser waiting outside, pacing, waiting for me. I knew then that I needed to phone the police.

I have struggled with mental illness since high school, which varied in intensity throughout the years until my abuse happened. I have since been clinically diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder, major depressive disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder, due to which I have extensive ongoing medical treatment including violence recovery counselling, therapy, regular doctor and psychiatry visits, and multiple prescription medications that I need to be even mildly functional.

After the assault, my mental illnesses grew to their breaking points. I was unable to focus, scared to go outside, constantly tense and nervous, unable to relax or let go of terrible feelings that dominated me every day. I would cry at work, fall asleep in class, and lost multiple close friends because I became too emotionally draining to be around. I had nightmares which involved me in variations of being chased, raped, murdered, and dismembered every night, and would wake up distressed and upset. This, combined with the escalating racial tension and transphobia in the news, triggered my gender dysphoria which I had buried for years, and anxiety on a daily basis. In October I was fired from my job after responding to a racist comment my boss had made, but was fired under the guise of a one month suspension.

What followed was a further downward spiral where I ended up needing to drop out of school to hospitalize myself for a few months because social interation was consistently debilitating to me. After making significant progress in the hospital, I was discharged. However, my living situation at the time was filled with strife and negatively impacted my mental state. Because of this, I had to leave abruptly and look for other housing.

During my interim between housing situations, I needed to stay on the dining room floor of a family member's house, during which I was fortunate enough to secure a slightly over two month temporary internship and worked part-time while I figured out my situation and where to go next. Unfortunately, living with family was emotionally draining because I was told that my transness was not only "bizarre," but also not to express any of it while around them. At the beginning of this month, my internship ended and I moved into my new apartment in Medford.

I have been looking for work since, which is difficult because I am disabled and am still working on the process of getting SSDI/SSI, and unemployment denied me benefits because I was in a hospital at the time of application, and they assumed this meant I was unable to work (I am pending a hearing to attempt to resolve this).

I currently have a job offer from my family, however I probably will have the offer rescinded if I go in presenting as anything other than male, which I no longer have any interest in doing at this point in my life. Unfortunately, there is no way to press pause on bills while you secure income. June's rent due date is rapidly approaching and the money I had saved from my internship is rapidly dwindling. I nearly lost my car to the insurance company this month, and was only able to keep it through a loved one's financial help. With rent, utilities including coin-operated laundry machines, groceries, my prescriptions (some of which I have not started yet due to not being able to afford them), my hormones which I have not yet started, and any number of unforeseen expenses and emergency expenditures which may or may not present themselves as I and my roommates adjust to living in a new apartment, and as I begin my social and medical transition. There's also me possibly getting a service dog to help me with my posttraumatic stress disorder and anxiety-related attacks, dissociation, etc., however a service dog will easily cost around $15,000. I opened this GoFundMe as a last resort due to the circumstances I am in, hoping at the least that it will help until I secure an income. My target goal is the minimum living wage for the months I have been out of work. I still have debts from my time off of work that I've been unable to pay thus far, such as parking tickets from my time at the hospital where parking was not included on campus. On top of that, I hope to be able to continue my education this fall if all goes right. I'm really hoping to start a new chapter in my life and to be able to move upward in a positive direction, where I can be happy with myself and feel secure in my own skin and with my life. After seeing other GoFundMe projects take off, I decided that it is the best idea right now to give it a go myself.

Thank you so much for reading this. Any contribution helps, and you have no idea how much I appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart.