I'm impressed at how much my memory has betrayed me.

After I blew up, I've been looking through a lot of my old stuff and the things I've done over the years. I wasn't just an asshole a few weeks ago-- I've been an asshole my whole life! Not just an asshole, though... a narcissistic asshole. A narcissistic hypocritical asshole! There's a lot of stuff I've done that's been basically a call for attention or-- in some round-about fashion-- was intended to be a deflection from or an inflation of my ego. Shit, I thought everything I was doing was for humor's sake or even for fun. But then I look back on it now that I have a clear head after having quite literally destroyed my old self and... wow. I have a track record of being a total and utter... well, faggot! Some of you may not feel that way, but I do-- there's a lot of things I've done that I just find either downright shameful or just generally assholish, snobbish or incredibly arrogant.

I've been so insecure about myself that I've let myself get into terrible positions and have spent more of my time lashing out at others than actually looking at myself. I thought I had figured this out years ago... but apparently not. I had to not only paint myself into a corner in multiple ways offline, but I also had to have what was essentially a nervous breakdown in public before I realized how much of an asshole I've really been being for the past few years. If it wasn't toward someone, it was toward a thing or an idea. And it didn't even matter how much I really knew about the thing I was angry about! It's fascinating what you do when you hate who you are.

I think this is The Thing that I haven't been able to "get over" since I drama'd all over the place. A lot of ya'll don't know it but I've been struggling hardcore over what I did. Everything I did was an attack on myself more than anything. I didn't want to be a hypocrite because I was already a hypocrite in multiple regards. (I know that everyone's a hypocrite in their own regard, but that's really not an excuse in my opinion.) I lashed out at the insecurity and the state of the site because-- for the most part-- I was insecure about myself. All that vitriol, all those threats, coupled with the fact that I pretty much hate myself? That's not just sad-- it's pretty laughable. Not to mention that it manifests itself as multiple attempts to get other people to like me because I don't like me-- that's lead down a pretty hilarious path in itself. :)

Someone suggested that I just write this on paper and let it be. I disagree for the most part-- I feel like I have to admit this publicly, because I've been an asshole and a showman to a whole lot of people for a long, long time. It leaves such a miserable taste in my mouth nowadays. The only thing I can do is apologize and forgive myself for the shit I've done. So, that's what this all is, I suppose-- an apology for generally being a dick and an attempt to forgive myself as a result.

At least some words on the Internet are dynamic instead of static. I'm sure they exist somewhere out there on the Internet still, but at least here I can control them. At least there's that.