It’s been a long time, and I’m sure pretty much the entire fandom knows about me. I owe an apology and an explanation to all of you, and to hopefully dispel rumors about why I’ve done what I’ve done, which will hopefully allow you all to think for yourselves and develop your own opinions on the matter.

As many of you may or may not know, I was involved romantically with two people here in the fandom, and . As you may or may not know I was with GraffitiDragon for about three years and Mnementh for the latter one of those… at the same time. Yes, it was inappropriate of me but I’ll provide my full thoughts on that later in this journal. As it turns out the person people thought I was and the person I am are two completely different people. I am not a female, and my birthday is not August 16th, 1990. Everything about me is false, and I made sure to keep it way. That poses the question, though, why would I do all of this? Why would I lead on two people for so long?

Firstly I have to say that people tend to demonize what they despise. It makes it easier to cope with the grief and the pain. I’m no different; I’ve been demonized as someone who purely wanted attention, money, gifts, and even ‘for the lolz.’ I am here to state that that was never the case. I can honestly say I would have done what I did even if I had not received a single modicum of any aforementioned items. Why then? Because I happen to have a sick, twisted form of benevolence.

My explanation requires a little bit of history, and I may leave out some details because it is a long history and there are some things that I should not, and will not, give out. I met Iggy (GraffitiDragon) over on deviant art some three or four years ago in a chat known as DragonNation. I was just discovering my affinity for the fandom, I had never been a furry before, and I was ‘testing the waters’ so to speak. For fun I had decided to sign up as a girl, people tend to give more attention to girls and I was being a stupid and immature brat at the time. While the beginnings of my story may be shallow, my reasons are (as I feel) anything but. Anyways, after hanging out around the room for a few weeks Iggy confessed his affection for me and I, in all of my great wisdom (ergo stupidity), returned the affection. Why I did that is a question even I cannot answer fully. I don’t even understand my actions fully, but I am trying to explain them as best as I can.

From there it began to spiral out of control. Later on in the summer of 2010 I tried to end it all. I told Iggy I was actually a guy, and that I was sorry for toying with his emotions. But then I saw him so upset, so angry, and so sad. Deep down inside I felt so terrible for making him feel so bad, all I wanted was for him to feel better. And so I lied, I passed it off as some guy that was trolling our relationship, and that I truly was a female. He immediately brightened, and our relationship carried on from there. I wanted him to be happy at all costs, I hated to see him sad, because, you see, I had (and still do) genuine caring for the guy. I could tell I made him happy, and so I resolved to make him happy for as long as I could. Thusly a vicious cycle started, and on two other occasions I tried to end it with Iggy, although I tried to stop it in such a manner that he would think I was still a female, and that all his effort really wasn’t a sham in the end. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that what I did was sick and disgusting, but in my sick and disgusting mind all I wanted was to make him happy. Every time I got a text from him, or an IM, or whatever, I was reminded that he was happy, and I wanted to keep him happy. That was my motive, nothing more and nothing less. I knew in the back of my head that it wasn’t going to last, but I had hoped to prolong that happiness for as long as I could. I know I was flawed, both in thinking and as a partner in a relationship, but I tried.

It was the same case with Mnementh, whom I met in May/June of 2011. I saw this individual who was sad, lonely, quiet, what have you. We had some great times together, and I didn’t treat him the best either, but it was good while it lasted and I tried to stick to it to the end. I tried my best, and I failed, but that was doomed to begin with.

I just couldn’t stop. I was too weak to say enough was enough, even though I knew it would all fall apart in the end. I wasn’t just afraid of the pain I knew I was going to go through (I do have emotional attachment to these two) but I was terrified of the pain that they would have to go through. The fallout of this whole deal hasn’t just been traumatic for them, but for me as well.

Now mind you that in no way shape or form am I trying to play the victim, nor am I trying to garner sympathy from anyone reading this. I take full responsibility for my actions, mistakes, and faults. Currently I am trying to find a way to return every single penny of damage that I caused, but I know that while I may be able to return monetary damages I can never return emotional damages. For that and for everything else I am eternally sorry for all that I’ve done. Now, I wish to give a message to the two individuals hurt the most.

Dear Iggy,
I want to apologize for all I’ve done to you. You’re a great guy, a guy that never deserved the stuff I put you through. I wish you the best of luck in finding a mate, a proper one that treats you right and truly is your everything. I’m so sorry for everything I have done, I cannot say that enough, and I fully expect you to never forgive me for all I’ve done. I won’t even forgive myself. Thanks for the good times; believe it or not I genuinely enjoyed your companionship and company. I am working on getting back every penny of whatever I owe you. I don’t know when it will happen, or what will happen, and I’m not going to ask you to trust me but know that it’s happening. Once again, I am forever sorry. I love every single piece of art you ever made for me or got me. If you want more words from me… just use the email I’ve had since I met you.

Dear Nemmy,
Nemmy, Nemmy, Nemmy. I’m sorry I was such a poor person at times… but we had our good times too, right? I’ve learned that you were leading on three people. I had hoped that you wouldn’t try to use my mistakes to justify your actions. You’re better than that, that’s something we both know. Frankly, I was only one person in the triangle you had going on. While I may have been false, there are two other girls whom are very real, I’m sure you know that. Not learning from my mistakes isn’t just a disservice to you, but to Tyger, and to Keziah. I’m living proof of what happens when you lead someone on. But I’m not here to lecture you (pft, I don’t even have the right). I’m here to say sorry for how poor of a person was, for how poor of a person I am. Maybe if I hadn’t have been who I was I could have developed a great friendship with you. I extend the same thing I extended to Iggy. Feel free to contact me if you want, if not I understand.

With that I say sorry to the entire fandom. I am a living memento to what happens when someone is too weak to make the hard decisions, too awful to actually try and fix my wrong before it spirals out of control. Perhaps if I ever become a better person I may come back, but all I’ve done is lend to the negative stereotype that surrounds the fandom. I’ve met some great people, had some great times, and it’s unfortunate that it was all under a false pretense.

I leave you with my finals words. I’m sorry, for all I’ve done, and to all of the people I have impersonated and/or hurt. I will be leaving this journal and this profile intact as a reminder to me, and to everyone else, to never make my mistakes ever again.