Both my previous two journals have been heavily redacted and edited; because a lot of what I felt I needed to say at the time was at the time and I needed to vent. I was hurt and disappointed. It was stuff that needed to be said at the time. I needed an outlet, and I felt personally attacked. But I’m going to start 2021 with a fresh perspective; in large part after learning about some events I was unaware of or happened shortly after I had a falling out with said individual to them.

I now understand there were other factors in said person’s life which may have affected them to take things out on me and not hold back then they otherwise may have done. They snapped at me, but there were likely other factors in play. As such I feel a little guilty for how I reacted too. But we are Human. We are all emotional wrecks, especially right here and now...

2020 and the first month of 2021 have been really hard on everyone, but some more then others.

I’m in the bracket of people it affected less all things considered. I haven’t lost anyone close to me during this time, at-least in a permanent irreversible way that many people have.

My last surviving grandfather somehow made it through 2020 in one piece. I lost my Grandmother a year before the Pandemic hit. And as someone who’s involved in the Alt Right cult and went into 2020 believing that the Virus was a hoax and “no big deal” it’s a miracle he never caught it and stayed with us.

I can attribute this mostly to him living in a low population area vs the company he kept. He had family over regularly to visit, and demanded that they not wear masks. He went out to eat in person once a week and attended in-person church without masks on. He’s in his 90’s…

A part of me is a little morose on how he can dodge the bullet that he kept putting himself in the way of when others who are doing everything they can to avoid it are the ones who are getting hit. It’s all the roll of the dice, and while the odds were against him he kept rolling nat 20’s while others rolled nat 1s on their far fewer rolls to avoid this disease.

But fate sometimes has other ways of getting its dues. He may have not gotten Covid. He survived all of this physically, but as of the start of 2021 he entered the stage where his body is too weak to even dress himself or walk a few steps.

His mind is beginning to go into Dementia, which is a blessing in one way. He’s starting to forget the Hate and Bigotry that kept him going the last four years. He’s willing to start accepting help from others. He’s going to get the Covid Vaccine, something he would have flat out refused to do had he “been all there”.

Dementia is never a fun thing to address, but in his case in some odd way it’s actually bringing him peace. He’s letting others help him for a change and he's allowing himself to be admitted to an assisted living home. Maybe in some twist of fate when he passes he will be finally at peace with himself and more importantly others that he wouldn’t have been had he still been cognitive enough to be his hate waving closed minded “normal” self that we’ve had to just “put up with” for the last 4+ years.

But for now, he’s still hanging on despite the odds being so stacked against him.

My family and friends may have pulled through this for the most part; but the political rift caused by everything that happened is tough.

I also recently found out a once close friend has shut themselves into the hate and bigotry cult. It was someone I haven't had contact in years, but its still hard looking back then hearing how they are now from a mutual friend who still had contact and is still trying to get through to said person, and remembering how they were before they changed. It sucks a lot to think how paranoid and full of Hate these people are, and how they can rationalize it and excuse the Evil which they surround themselves in. My mind has a very hard wrapping itself around the concept.

I’ve still got so many conflicting views on the Pandemic as a whole too. One moment I’m having an actual anxiety attack in the middle of a crowded Post Office because there are too many people there and not everyone is spaced out.

People wearing masks for some may be a “comfort” for them but in this situation it only adds to the panic for me. Because it’s a signal that something is wrong. That feeling of "I shouldn’t be here surrounded by people who are on the verge of panic, who may or may not be sick, with no easy escape route that doesn’t involve passing someone in the process." is now a very real thing.

And the next moment I’m watching someone by themselves in their car alone with the windows up or in the middle of a parking lot outside in fresh air with no one within hundreds of feet wearing a mask. And my mind goes to “Really? Is that really necessary? Why would you even…”

It’s the two extremes that really tear on me. The people that are, afraid for their lives every living second (even in cases where there is legitimate reason, IE they are immocompromised etc) that make the feeling of Dystopia (and yes I will still keep using that word because things are NOT NORMAL right now) hit me like a brick.

And on the other side you have the people who try and act like Nothing is Wrong and "everything is normal, no government can tell me to wear a mask or get a vaccine! Blah Blah etc etc..." Those people make me just as nervous, if not moreso.

I’m taking Reasonable precautions during this time. I'm not going out to eat. I'm wearing masks in public indoor spaces, even though they do give me some anxiety and can be a complication with my sinuses. I'm avoiding crowds. Any social contact has all been one on one (or atleast one household). No parties, no events, etc.

But at the same time I’m not going to fear for my life every second of the day wearing a medical grade N95 while driving in my car alone. I’m not afraid of shopping for groceries; but am taking steps to avoid close contact with people at the store as much as I can.

Life without some risk is not living, but times change and dictate what is a reasonable risk (like driving a car to get to work) and what is just reckless. I don’t embrace being reckless.

I’m going to keep doing my street photography. Its both an important thing to document and is a coping mechanism for me. It shows me not only the Darkness of the Past but also the path towards the light.

So as the Journal title says, I’m currently at All Ahead Slow. I'm getting used to being more of a homebody again vs going out every night like the lifestyle I had a few years ago. I can't afford that lifestyle both for being responsible and that my money now is tied into providing for a household instead. But in this way I'm still doing a lot better then most. Any of my struggles, and money being "tight" is trivial considering I still got a roof over my head and can pay the mortgage and other bills even if some months they get paid off late.

The important part of this is not focusing on the “Slow” that we are forced to take to keep safe right now; it’s the “All Ahead”. We'll get through this, but it's not going to happen at the pace we want it to. Change will happen, but it will come slower then we would like.