I've put too much into my drawing thing. I don't know how it is for others, but I have no other option. I don't want pity. I don't even know what I want while I'm writing this. I do not know if it is right to share all this. I just don't want to pretend anymore.

This post could have appeared so many times, and every time I held myself back. I run these accounts and I always wanted this to be a project, not about a personality. Sometimes I make some dumb posts on X and bluesky to somehow remind people that there's a human behind all this, but that's not the core. I've been afraid to write anything that might ruin the profile's image.

Right now, I don't care. Lately, I've just wanted to delete all the accounts and forget about everything. But I know I would regret that even more than just continuing to struggle along. I am mentally ill. I want to die every time I go to sleep. Antidepressants do NOT help me. Sometimes I just want to cry.

In real life, I stay silent. I don't voice many things, especially to my parents. Can I at least not pretend here? I am not okay, and I never have been. I've always said everyone has their own problems, and no one here wants to see other people's issues in their feed. I don't want something I said to resurface later. I don't want to be associated with something negative, depressive. I'm afraid to ruin my profile with something like this and get labeled as "oh, that's the one who's always whining."

But this has been building up for so long that I can't stay silent anymore either. The only emotions I feel are anger and resentment. Resentment towards my own condition, towards the fact that I can't influence anything. They say mental health comes first, and then everything else. Fuck, I can't fix it in any way. Change my attitude? Change it towards what? Towards the fact that someone can live where they want? That someone else can be who they want? That someone else can do what they want without fear of ending up behind bars? Why can't I? Why do I have to be in this shit? Why must every action of mine be taken in defiance of everything around me?

I cling to drawing so desperately because I was on the edge when I was 17-18. Drawing, without any exaggeration, saved me. I wanted to be better. I wanted to make it a source of income, but most importantly, I wanted to evoke that "wow" feeling I got when looking at other artists' work. And even though I haven't succeeded in that, I wanted to reach that point. But it's all shattering to pieces. I have no desire left to try and learn, understanding there's no point in it, especially in the place, in the country where I am. I have no future. I know that without this activity, I won't make it.

I force myself to play games to distract myself somehow, but I don't want to. Just like I don't want to draw, knowing it's pointless. And I'll just apologize in advance if someday I never publish anything and be online ever again.