Hello, has been a while. So you have probably been wondering why my posts are so spread, and why any project of mine is moving like a sloth.

Well, how to put this? I haven't been okay

I'm not suicidal, no, fought through that years ago so no worries there. Depressed? yeah. Granted that isn't the core of my issues.

If I had to simplify it, put kinda simply:

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I live with a family who is not good for me. They do not appreciate my skills and who they are as people are not what I need. Insert blah blah I have told people that I was not nurtured in my skills or even my own interests. Nah, I've been subject to manipulation and just general non care of what I want to do. So here I am, LGBT stuck in a family where there is a good portion of who is prejudice and or bigots. So my life is playing a constant chess game of info manipulation and silence to keep myself safe. I wear a mask constantly and have given up some time back on letting these people connected by blood know anything about me. I am anxious, hiding, and scared of being trapped.

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Granted I am stuck living with two outside of my choice. They do not respect me and given the opportunity, they would try to push their problems off on me if I allowed it. I am an introvert and have noise sensitivity. It's not that my hearing is better but I can't filter out as much. I live in the night, work evenings, but they as extroverts are morning people. My sleep is not respected even with confrontation in the past over it, so I am often disturbed. They aren't the cleanest or most organized people. I hardly do chores now and just clean what I inhabit or use because, even with talks, they refuse to keep clean or keep stuff tidy. I should probably mention that they themselves told me to only clean what I use if they are so bad so... They want me to do it, only with them shortly undoing my work by making a mess of things, won't respect me enough to keep to the order. So I stopped. I have often times had to throw out food because they left raw meat on top of leftovers or put it on top rack, only for the blood to drip down and contaminate. Consider them storing flour or peanut butter in the fridge, it doesn't make sense. This house they have in the middle of nowhere is falling apart. Mold is in the house for certain, I sleep under it every night. House is infested with roaches and mice. They being neglectful pet owners having 9 untrained dogs without shots that are a menace to neighbors and general peace in this house, oh and puppies are on the way from inbreeding.

Besides physically living like this, my mental health has dropped since I got stuck here over 3 years ago now. Moving from one crumbling house to another, the cause being these people and their decisions. I hate these people and wish to be away from them. One is a narcissistic manipulator, the other an enabler. Blood father and step mother, which out of both I hate my blood father more. Their lack of care for me, and forever treatment like I am some child under them has caused me to grow to hide from them. I do not want to interact, or even have them spot me in the open. It doesn't help that they bird watch me, spouting every time they notice me, it is dehumanizing. So when not at work, I am always waiting for them to go away. The walls are thin here and they don't believe in closing doors so the noise sensitivity gets me. I have earbuds these days to try to filter it out. So I wait, to eat, to bathe until I can feel safe to exit this room. Which means night time is when I can do most things and then that is only so much time till I have to go to bed for work. Night time also comes with reduction on what I can do as well. No cooking, cleaning, or anything that can make noise.

So yeah I have developed issues. I imagine sometimes they are going to open the door on me someday and pull a gun on me. It won't happen, but this kind of situation messes with you. I know people reading this may say to talk to them or my situation could be not as bad if I just give into them and do this or that, although I know better. Doing things like that won't solve the issue, what will is me moving out.

My future has been ripped from me several times, those who have known me for long time know the events. College being ripped from me because test scores came in late and forced to get a job, kicked out for standing up for myself against abuse in another side of the family, and being forced to this location without a choice due to a foreclosure they didn't bother to tell me about.

So I need to rip myself away from this blood connection and move somewhere else, where I am completely responsible for myself. I will never learn what I need to know and know freedom to develop my skills and be myself without doing this. I am tired of this blood telling me no to me developing skills and having a strangle hold on my life. I am not the stereotypes they want me to be. I don't want to be masculine and "suck it up", I'd rather find the strength for my own reasons than bottling who I am. Granted I am not "male" anyways. They always wanted me to quit art, quit trying to learn other languages, quit trying to learn programming, and other things. Always wanted me to be in the military, give in to customer service jobs, strive to be a doctor or lawyer; whatever they thought had money or is best. That isn't me though. I have been growing skills since I was a kid that they spat on. All of my interests were stuff I had to grow out of to be "normal".. rejection of what made me happy.

For the past few years, I have been saving up what I can. I have been wanting out of this house since I was forced here. Although I just so happen to live in an area where low income is king. Any good paying job is locked behind degrees or experience in the fields, most jobs around me perfectly willing to pay minimum wage or a bit higher. I also live far enough away where I have to drive for half a hour to get to a town in any direction. My internet is my phone and signal is so terrible, remote work isn't possible.

So I have been saving what I can and pretty soon I am going to be trying for another job for hopefully better pay. I've built a good amount of savings but I need a better job to afford an apartment so that needs to be done. I am wanting to get away and hopefully cut off my blood. I need to do this, remove people who only drag down my life so I can work through my issues and stop being half baked.

I have tried to find people to roommate with, but they are far off of having savings to do it, so even if that becomes a possibility in the future, for now it looks like I need to be alone.

I am trying to get ready to take a step in life, a very very scary step that I don't know how it will turn out but I need to do it. I am tired of living like this and tired of knowing I am half baked, so I need to walk into the fire.

Hopefully once I get out, I will have the freedom to work on myself. Become better, gain new perspective, struggle till I learn, and maybe finally solidify who I am and what I want. I know there are no absolutes but something more structurally sound is going to be better than how I live now. I am tired of being cold and bitter day by day, anxious and locking up unable to do things. At this point doing chores are enrichment, if only my efforts were respected so I didn't have to leave them undone, that feeling of getting something done and in order. I want to be the person or even more I can be with my friends, the people who are my true family. I want to be able to do things without hearing no because they don't like it. I want to be able to live somewhere that feels home and I can have pride in maintaining. I want to be able to do tasks and know they are being done without someone throwing away my efforts. I want to be able to be myself and not silence myself on what I enjoy. I hope to reclaim myself and I hope that also means be able to pick up the pen, stylus, keyboard, or whatever I am working on with less hesitation.