50 Questions You've Never Been Asked

1. What's your favorite candle scent?
Vanilla.

2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister?
Lauren Faust.

3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother?
John Waters.

4. How old do you think you'll be when you get married?
I don't plan to live past 30, so it's a moot point. Plus, I've got nothing to offer a woman.

5. Do you know a hoarder?
Not really. For a while I thought I might be one myself, but then I realized I'm just a lazy slob.

6. Can you do a split?
Hell no.

7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?
Never did. Never will.

8. How many oceans have you swam in?
One. The Atlantic.

9. How many countries have you been to?
USA! USA! BACK IN THE BOX!

10. Is anyone in your family in the army?
My cousin was.

11. What would you name your daughter if you had one?
Dulcinea.

12. What would you name your son if you had one?
Indrid.

13. What's the worst grade you got on a test?
F. Because fuck math.

14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Animaniacs, Tiny Toons, Mr. Rogers (the greatest American).

15. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight?
Damned if I can remember.

16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?
Just Harry Potter. Hunger Games just sounds like Battle Royale with white kids, and Twilight is garbage penned by someone who shouldn't be allowed to vote.

17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent?
British. Because Monty Python.

18. Did your mother go to college?
Yes.

19. Are your grandparents still married?
They probably would be, if they weren't all dead.

20. Have you ever taken karate lessons?
No.

21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is?
Of course. What kind of red commie bastard doesn't know who Kermit is?

22. What's the first amusement park you've been to?
Either Funtown USA, or Story Land. I was too young to remember.

23. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in?
...I can't choose just one. Spanish (for convenience), French (for sexiness), Japanese (for awesome), Chinese (because they will one day rule us)...

24. Do you spell the color as grey or gray?
Gray. Because I live in Gray, Maine, and the color is just as dreary as the shithole town where my hope for a meaningful life came to die.

25. Is your father bald?
Not yet, but he's getting there.

26. Do you know triplets?
No.

27. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?
There Will Be Blood.

28. Have you ever had Indian food?
Yes, and although it was delicious, the waiter seemed to look on me with contempt.

29. What's the name of your favorite restaurant?
Another tie: Phoever Maine, and Becky's Diner.

30. Have you ever been to Olive Garden?
Yeah. Brings up bittersweet memories.

31. Do you belong to any warehouse stores (Costco, BJ's, etc.)?
No, but my great-uncle did, and I did most of his shopping for him at BJ's and Sam's Club.

32. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?
Katie.

33. If you have a nickname, what is it?
Zy, Z, Ror, and Boo Radley.

34. Who's your favorite person in the world?
Noby, my best friend/the brother I chose.

35. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs?
Depends on my mood.

36. Can you whistle?
I have lips, so yes.

37. Do you sleep with a nightlight?
Yes. I fear the Rake.

38. Do you eat breakfast every morning?
No. And when I DO eat breakfast, it ain't breakfast food.

39. Do you take any pills or medication daily?
Milk thistle for my liver, aspirin and garlic for my heart, melatonin for crazy dream sleepy times.

40. What medical conditions do you have?
Crippling depression, alcoholism.

41. How many times have you been to the hospital?
Don't know. I only visited people there. I do my best to avoid them.

42. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?
Several times.

43. Where do you buy your jeans?
Goodwill. Because I'm broke and fat.

44. What's the last compliment you got?
"Your job isn't easy, but you do it well."

45. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning?
Yes, but sometimes they're so mundane I can't be sure if they were dreams or if I'm just remembering something that happened in this horrible waking world.

46. What flavor tea do you enjoy?
Anything fruity.

47. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own?
Four, although most are boots.

48. What religion will you raise your children to practice?
If something goes horribly wrong and I end up a father, I'll teach those awful, awful creatures that religion is far too serious a matter to be taken too seriously.

49. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn't real?
11.

50. Why do you have a tumblr?
Because Tony Bourdain fucking rules.