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Worst Movies of 2012
LIST TIME!
Hello, Deviants everywhere!
Well… I guess I’m not over my bad habit of making lists and reviews, yet. Better yet, I haven’t gotten over my streak of reviewing bad things. This time around however, it’s back to movies again. I haven’t reviewed a film since The Lorax (which I gave low marks to), but this here is a true bargain- I’m reviewing 10 bad movies in one list! Yep! I’ve decided to make my own “Worst” and “Best” of movie list for 2012. Why? Because I’ve been in a movie binge lately, and I’ve seen a lot of movies throughout the year: good, bad, great, and awful.
I’m no critic, but is it just me, or does 2012 feel like it was a pretty bad year for movies? Mind you, that doesn’t mean that every movie to have come out this year was horrible, but there was a higher ratio of bad movies to good ones. The reason I’m saying this, is because I struggled to think of movies I really love that deserve to be talked about, but had no problem thinking of movies that I WISH I could forget. Not to give away much of the list, but I will give you this little spoiler- most of the movies on this list are horror movies… yeah.
The thing is that I’ve been getting really into the horror genre lately; I’ve become more and more fascinated with the things that make us cower in fear… well, shit. This was NOT a good year to start on my trek of horror films. I know horror movies have a reputation of generally being considered bad, but this is just… inexcusable. Also, comedies. Comedies are pretty much on the same boat, as both horror and comedy films lately suffer the same problem, which is not being scary or funny enough, respectively. Strangely enough, horror movies have become funnier, while comedies have become scarier. Am I the only one who notices this?
I digress. Well, I wasted enough time. Let’s just dive right into…
The Bottom 10 Movies of 2012
#10. Branded
Oh, boy. This is a good one. Let me ask you guys something- have you ever heard of this movie, Branded? No? Well, let me give you a brief summary:
In this movie, a hamburger corporation gets help from fast-food guru, Joseph Pascal (played by Max von Sydow), in order to help them find a way to make fat “sexy” again, in order to advertise their… burgers. Okay. Sounds simple enough; he does so by putting up a reality TV show in which they show a fat woman slimming down, but the plan backfires. So, they must figure out a new plan. Mr. Pascal proposes his deal, where his proposition begins to sound a little… odd; as whatever he is going to do, is BEYOND the rulings of the law. But what?
Enter stage right, a young advertising executive, and our main protagonist, Misha (played by Ed Stoppard), who is trying to figure out what is wrong with the advertisements, as people are mindlessly spending their expenses into these new products. As it turns out, these advertisements are, in fact, mind-controlling monsters who have the population entranced into spending more money into the company’s burgers, products, whatever. How do we know this? Because Misha sacrifices a cow and pours its blood on himself to see the hidden monsters (obviously). So, in order to stop them, Misha creates a new company of healthy food, so he can create his own ad-monsters, to fight the evil ads, in order to stop them from controlling the public; all while it is narrated by Misha, a mysterious woman, and a cow.
Did you catch all that?
I’m sorry if my explanation for this movie is a little… convoluted. But the movie isn’t exactly easy to follow; in fact, I may be telling this story better than the movie is, because… you just have to see it to believe it. It is an oversensory experience that, quite frankly, almost made me nauseous. And I swear I’m not making any of this up; I’m telling you guys the abridged, sweet-and-to-the-point version of this story, because trying to keep up with it, is about as stupid of an idea as this whole ordeal.
I have three major problems with this move: first, it is barely two hours long, which is too long for a movie like this. Second, this movie is properly structured…
… for Bizarro World!
That’s right boys and girls! Not only is it poorly written and executed, but it is quite incompetent as well. There is no way to relate to any of these characters, as they are too strange for their own good; the plot is far too idiotic and poorly put-together to even understand, and the effects are laughable at best. But the worst aspect of this, do not, and I repeat, DO NOT watch this movie alone. That’s probably the most crucial mistake you could make watching this disaster of a film; God knows I sure did.
Again, I apologize if my summary isn’t very clear, and please do help me if I missed any important details, because there’s no way I can put this together in a concise way, and make it sound like a proper narrative.
To call this movie a mess, would be an understatement. I quite frankly don’t know what went wrong, if it was just one thing. From what I know, this is a Russian-American collaboration, as it has (presumably) both an American and Russian director (Jamie Bradshaw and Aleksander Dulerayn; both of which I’ve never heard of before). I don’t know if they had a translator, who ran away from the set, if they couldn’t direct worth a damn, if they had a script to begin with, or all of the above? I don’t know where this movie fell apart, but it was clearly WAY before it hit theaters.
So, why is it #10? Well, believe it or not, I considered it the least infuriating of all these movies; near the end of the movie, it will go into at least 3 or 4 false ends; the screen will go black, only for the movie to suddenly start back up again. That, was pretty irritating.
I’ll say this, though, watch the movie with a friend. At least then, you’ll have somebody to accompany you in this disaster of a film. I guess the one good thing I can say, is that it barely made any money from box-office revenues, so at least we won’t see another movie like this.
Final Rating: 30%
The only other thing this movie has over the remaining nine entries, is that it’s at least creative. Not necessarily in a good way, but at least it has more originality than the following entries, which makes it the… “easiest” to sit through, in my opinion.
Unlike…
#9. The Devil Inside
This is quite literally the first movie to have come out in 2012, so maybe it thought it would take some comfort that if it came out so early, then we would forget about it…
… think again. So what’s wrong with this movie exactly?
Here’s the deal, and I need to make this clear, it is a found footage, exorcist, horror movie. The word that stands out from there is “exorcist”. We have not had an exorcist found footage movie prior to this one, and… we won’t be having another one anytime soon (hopefully), but I’m getting ahead of myself.
This story follows Isabella Rossi (played by Fernanda Andrade), who is being followed by this documentary, who are investigating the story of her mother, who might have a demon in her, and might have murdered somebody during an exorcism. They go to Vatican City, and run into these two renegade priests, Ben and David (played by Simon Quarterman and Evan Helmuth, respectively), in order to help Isabella’s mother, Maria Rossi (played by Suzan Crowley), with another exorcism and figure out if it’s true or not.
Already this movie has a much more comprehensible plot than our previous entry, which is a plus… however it suffers from one fatal flaw, which is, ironically, its biggest strength as well.
The idea is that this movie sets the possibility that these exorcisms COULD happen in our real world, and that they MIGHT have happened. This gives the movie a slow pace, for the sake of dramatic suspense, as our characters debate the possibilities and reasons behind these demons. Most people might not like that, but I thought it made the movie far more interesting than any of the other horror movies of this type, as it made me truly intrigued in the possibilities as well.
“Wow!” I thought, “this movie has its brain in its cranium; making for a much more tense experience than any of the Paranormal Activity movies combined!”
Crushingly, this made it all the more disappointing when the movie kept on pushing the realism and drama, with much less of the horror in between. Even for its slow pace, the dialogue made the movie feel like it was dragging on for way too long, and it had nowhere to go... except for the ending. I probably would have not been nearly as mad at this movie had I not been for the ending.
Let me tell you why, I am pissed about this movie, because it was much more engaging in its premise than I ever expected… until it gets closer and closer ‘till the end, where the most interesting parts of the movie start to happen… then it ends! That’s it! When things start to get REALLY good, the movie’s over!
This movie also suffers from a cliché shitstrom! From BOTH the exorcist AND found footage-type genre! This includes, people bending like pretzels, cursing out inappropriate remarks, that irritating shaky-cam effect, and the fact that the cameraman refuses to put the camera down, no matter what happens.
But the kick to the BALLS that earned this movie at the #9 spot on the list was the very final frame, where the movie gave the wed address to show us that these supposed “real” exorcisms that “REALLY” happened! I can’t even begin to tell you how much that made my blood boil to think that this movie could’ve been really good, but fell so short, it’s like it never even left the starting line.
You need to go to a certain website to find out if your bullshit was real? You need to go to https://www.suckmycock.com to think you have the balls to tell me what to do, The Devil Inside!
Final Rating: 26%
I swear, I’m gonna need an exorcist after this list is over… either that, or anger management classes.
#8. Battleship
Well, this is what I get for opening my big, fat piehole.
“Ohh! But Hollywood CAN actually make a cool naval battle movie based on a board game with no story or plot whatsoever!” I said, as I tried REALLY hard not to be as painfully skeptic about this movie as other moviegoers were, ergo I tried REALLY hard to like this movie so I could get the last laugh and say that there is a way to do Transformers right!
Oh, God! What the hell was I drinking?! Reality will always disappoint when compared to the things we can imagine, like me imagining that this is a good movie or Coco Bandicoot in a bikini massaging my shoulders while calling me "6-feet of pure handsome" (as I truly am.
studmuffinplz). But enough about me, and more about this shitty abomination of an “adaptation” of a game that calls itself a “movie”.
Right away, the idea for the movie alone, is just DUMB! But would you believe that they actually find a way to make it even dumber? I didn’t that was possible either! But, I digress.
Battleship is about Stanley S. Squarepants joining the military. Whoops! I mean the story of how former slacker, Alex Hopper (played by Taylor Kitsch), went to the navy in order to protect the world from aliens!
Okay, okay, there’s a little bit more to it than that. :cough:
NASA discovers an extrasolar planet, called “Planet-G” (what the G stands for, is anybody’s guess), with conditions that are very similar to the ones on Earth, including similar human-like lifeforms (but I’ll get to those in a minute). While that’s going on, Alex gets arrested for trying to flirt with the daughter of Admiral Terrance Shane (played by Liam Neeson, Mr. Badass himself). Alex’s brother, Stone Hopper (played by Alexander Skarsgard) forces him to join the navy for being pissed at his brother being a slacker.
Okay, in case you’re wondering why I compared Talyor Kitsch’s character to Stanley S. Squarepants, some of you might get the point I’m trying to make. If not, let me break it down for you:
He’s a FUCK-UP!!
Normally, I wouldn’t mind this sort of character, if not for the fact that the movie wastes no time giving him everything, the girl, the promotion, the chance to encounter intelligent beings from other planets; I mean, throughout the whole movie, he is treated like a clown, and for the good reason that he has very poor composure and discipline. And in case you’re wondering, no, he does NOT improve from this. Oh, but he’s only part of the problem as to what the fuck is wrong with this movie.
Allow me to make this comparison: Beastly is to Twilight as Battleship is to Transformers. Both Beastly and this movie are trying to copy the style and steal their respective demographics from the popular franchises they’re trying to be as. The only thing both of these movies (sadly) succeed in, is that they make the movies they’re ripping off look better (in comparison), by them being slightly worse. I don’t know if there is some sort of plan going on with Hollywood that says that there needs to be a rip-off of a puzzling popular film franchise, only to make them look better and attract more people.
Yes, guys! I do think this is worse than any of the other Transformers movies combined, this movie looks worse by comparison on the fact that even though it is too long (time-wise), and too stupid for its own good, unlike Transformers, it’s also very boring. Let me tell you, you WILL forget that there are aliens in this movie, because it takes the movie nearly an HOUR to complete its setup. By that point, an action setpiece might have already happened, two if you’re Michael Bay. Maybe an explosion littered here and there.
Unlike Transformers, this movie sticks fairly close to the mythology of the franchise it’s based on… if there was any, to begin with. The way they work the game into the movie, is that the aliens build this dome to trap their own ships as well as Earth’s Navy’s ships in a grid where they can’t detect each other using their radars, rather they have to destroy each other by plain old GUESSING. It’s… not nearly as exciting as you think it would be… if you thought it was exciting to begin with.
Ugh… let me tell you about the aliens. Do you think the aliens come from an Earth-like planet in order for us to familiarize with them? NO! They come from an Earth-like planet because the designers for these aliens were too fucking lazy! They’re basically human save for a few reptilian features.
The acting and dialogue are just… atrocious; almost on the same level as The Last Airbender. Believe me, you will feel physically ill hearing how poorly-delivered and written these lines are, especially in the second half of the film.
I could go on and on about the bucket list of problems littered on this movie, but I really need to move on, before Battleship engulfs the rest of the list.
Final Rating: 22%
Well, if anything needs to be said, this movie must have taken Hasbro down a peg. They palyed the game… and, I just have to say it…
We sunk their Battleship! (There! It’s out of my system!)
#7. American Reunion
… Please tell me I’m pretending this movie exists.
Before I say anything, I dare ask: who the FUCK was asking for an American Pie movie, by this point?
Sigh… I really don’t wanna cover this one. I mean… what can you say? “It’s American Pie… again… again… AGAIN?!” Yes, I am pretty pissed that this movie even exists! Not only that, but it barely has any distinction from the other Americna Pie movies.
Here’s the… “plot”:
13 years after graduating high school, Jim Levenstein (played by, who else? Jason Biggs), Chris Ostreicher (played by declining movie star, Chris Klein), Kevin Myers (played by Thomas Ian Nicholas) and Stiffler (Seann William Scott) have finally achieved the standard of having well-established careers and lives (I find this incredibly hard to believe, but I’ll get to that later). Their former classmate, John, AKA the “MILF Guy” (John Cho), organizes a Class of ’99 high school reunion at East Great Falls. There, Jim encounters his neighbor Kara (played by Ali Cobrin, a pretty cute girl I might add), whom he used to babysit, is soon to turn 18… and is, for some reason, infatuated with Jim.
Okay, I’m sure Jason Biggs is probably a nice guy, he is probably a friendly person, I can NOT stand his character. I’ve never like Jim in any of the movies because of how wishy-washy he is, how… embarrassed — which is his default mood throughout the entire SERIES — he always is, and how he always has to stutter when he talks. Well, I can relate to him in that aspect… I can also tell him that NOBODY likes that sort of guy who gets flustered to the point where he can’t even talk!
Hah… sorry… but JIM is part of the reason why I hate this movie so much; he hasn’t changed at all! Actually… now that I think about it… none of these characters have changed, none at all! You think at their age these guys would have actually grown-up, matured, developed, SOMETHING! It really drives me up the walls whenever I encounter the “Single Joke Character”, the type of character who is just a joke that “never gets old”… for the movie, maybe!
This movie’s littered with characters that most of them don’t even bother to cover because, of the time restrain, and the fact that these guys can’t write characters to save their lives! I’m sorry; I just can’t get over the fact that after so long, that they would have actually changed in some ways. At least if they had matured, it would’ve been funnier to see them getting stuck in such awkward situations!
Final Rating: 19%
Sorry if this review wasn’t as big… but, I can barely remember the movie as it is, it’s very forgettable first of all, second of all, I really hate how much time it spends on nothing but pure bullshit. And I heard there’s a fifth movie on the way…
…why?
#6. Savages
Believe it or not, when I was making the list, this isn’t one of the films I considered to be on here, at least not at first. That is until I remembered how much I hated this mess of a piece of- okay.
What this movie is about, it’s about these two guys, these two geniuses, Ben (played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson, AKA: Kickass) and Chon (Taylor Kitsch— didn’t I just review a treerible movie you were already in?!) who managed to make the best weed in the world. This is mainly thanks to Ben, who is both a botanic and business genius. Chon is a former Navy SEAL, who smuggled seeds for the marijuana plants out of Afghanistan. The two of them worked together to create marijuana so potent that it actually made them VERY wealthy. Between these two, we have O, real name Ophelia (played by Blake Lively) who is both their girlfriend, and the movie’s narrator. Yep! No need to fight for territory here, everybody shares everything!
Anyway, they get contacted by Lado (played by Benicio del Toro) a cartel enforcer who makes a… “fair offer” for them to meet up with their cartel leader, so they can buy Ben’s and Chon’s weed business. They… refuse. Because of this, this mighty cartel decides that an effective way to get their attention, is to kidnap their girlfriend, O, so they WILL sell their weed business to them, lest Ben and Chon want the cartel to play volleyball with O’s soon-to-be severed head.
… oh, boy. Where do we begin?
Okay, the story I have no problem with, but the characters are. One of my biggest problems with this movie, is that the three main characters are just SOOOO uninteresting. Taylor Kistch’s character here is basically a combination of John Carter and his character from Battleship. He’s so serious and deadpan, I could’ve sworn he’d become a Terminator by the end of the movie, because the only emotions he has is “anger”. Ben is slightly more interesting, mainly because he is the nicer and smarter of the two, and is also the most apprehensive to violence (which is Chon’s department). He is STILL pretty dull, thanks to that quiet façade of his; I don’t know, but I think the weed got them. The worst offender is O, who, she is with the cartel for most of the movie as a captive, is whiny, boring, and just a pain to listen to. And I need to make that clear because, while in captivity, she demands finer conditions for her cell, wanting to be pampered and treated as “not just a prisoner” because she is important.
Dude, you’re a captive of the cartel! They’re not exactly known for being benevolent; you’re pretty lucky to be alive as it is; they’re not afraid to kill their OWN members, for crying out loud! Also, I really hate her “attempt” at keeping us intrigued by having us ponder if she is alive or dead right at the beginning of the movie. I… could care less. I don’t know if it’s the weed, but these guys don’t seem to understand the concept of getting a fucking move-on! They’re TOO mellow to give them any believability, making the other characters FAR more interesting by comparison, especially Lado, who despite being a cartoony bad guy, is by far the most unpredictable and most entertaining of the whole cast, with John Travolta and Salma Hayek (Who I gotta admit, is pretty fucking hot in this movie), not too far behind.
One thing I just don’t get about this movie is the way it exploits certain visual elements, for example: In the beginning, when our two male leads are pounding on O, they’re completely naked, while O is still wearing all of her clothes. I don’t get why this movie is afraid to show tits, while it has no qualms of showing a guy’s bare ass— oh, wait! I forgot they DO show tits… not from our uninteresting narrator… and (sadly) not from Salma Hayek, but from a random stripper who barely has three lines of dialogue. I don’t know if it’s just me, but did anyone else feel that watching this movie felt as if somebody was messing with the camera’s filters? It’s as if a 7-year-old got a hold of his daddy’s camera and wanted to film an epic-looking movie, but didn’t know how to use the camera and just screwed around with the filters. It hurt my eyes after a while; the fact that I was watching this with those stupid 3D glasses probably didn’t help.
If there is one thing this movie wants to make clear is that the cartel is evil; they do everything to show you how evil they are, although that came across as more desperate and funny, than actually threatening. Also it constantly reminds you of the word “savages”, just in case you forgot the name of the fucking movie! They were even nice enough to tell us what the definition of the word is… no, not their own spin on the word, but its definition; something you can read out of a fucking dictionary for fucking free instead of watching this fucking piece of fucking shit!
Yes, I am getting angry, because I’m getting to my least favorite part of the movie, and I don’t care if this spoiling the movie (in case it is, just skip to my final rating), but the thing they do at the end… I was just baffled. You see, near the end of the movie, when Ben and Chon finally get their girlfriend back, there’s an all-out shoot-out that basically ends up with both opposing parties being dead… until O rewinds the movie.
No, I’m not kidding. She quite literally says “… BUT that’s not how it happened” and rewinds the movie to the point before the final shoot-out began…
WHY?! So can find out how the story TRULY winded up ending… I don’t care! By that point I already had very little interest in what would happen to these guys, you think I actually care if they make it out alive or not?!
Final Rating: 16%
Ohh… I can’t believe we’re only halfway through… aah… it only gets worse from here!
#5. House at the End of the Street
If you were to breed The Last House on the Left with The Roommate, this movie would be their bastard lovechild.
In this movie, mother and daughter, Sarah and Elissa Cassidy (played by Elizabeth Shue and Jennifer Lawrence, respectively) find their perfect dream house in this small upscale town in the middle of nowhere. The two soon learn that there is something grim about this town, until they learn of the house… at the end of the street. Enter stage right, Ryan Jacobson (played by Max Thieriot), as the son of a couple who were mysteriously and “horrifically” — and I am saying “horrifically” in the biggest quotation marks Microsoft Word will allow— murdered by the mysterious killer in this one house…
… and I’m going to stop right there, because the movie is pretty vacant after that. First of all, this may be a bit of a forgone conclusion, but… this couple got murdered… and their sole son stayed behind alone on this one house, and the people haven’t been able to figure out who killed them. And before you even bother trying to defend this turd of a film, yes it was Ryan who killed his own parents, because they forced him to act like this girl, Carrie-Ann, whom he was supposed to take care of while his parents were being dicks.
I’m sorry if this mini-review is short and uninteresting… but so is movie! Now, I did compare it, first of all, to The Last House on the Left which is horrible, but this movie is actually tamer than that… actually, I would dare say TOO tame; which is why I also compared it to The Roommate. The thing is, that I think if this movie were a little bit cleverer and actually knew how to use its actors, we’d have a much scarier and tense film. There are very little scares, and they are too far off in between, and for most of the movie nothing happens. Jennifer Lawrence, an actress who I’ve grown to love thanks to The Hunger Games and Silver-Linings Playbook</i>, which is the reason why I was excited to see this movie…
… I should’ve known better. I mean this movie doesn’t qualify as a horror movie, it qualifies more as a thriller, but it’s barely even THAT either. So what is it? Am I supposed to be scared, am I supposed to be thrilled? Or am I supposed to be bored out of my fucking skull?
Well, I can at least say “yes” to one of those questions, and let me tell you, it ain’t the former two.
[i]Final Rating: 13%
This movie sure does know how to redefine the word “waste”, as anything that it had in here to make it good, didn’t matter in the end. I guess If anything, it’s slightly better than The Roommate but that’s not saying much.
#4. Paranormal Activity 4
Huh. What are the odds that yet another fourth entry in a franchise of a series that I hate would make it on this list?
You know, it’s rare that a second sequel would turn out to be good, but there is no way a fourth entry could guarantee some quality, especially from a series ad bland and predictable as this. Listen… there is nothing new about this movie, in fact, I can summarize all four of these movies like this: there is a demon/ghost/Richard Simmons/whatever is haunting these people, it barely does a thing until the end of the movie, where it ends abruptly. Would you be surprised if I told you that this movie ends the same way? No! Just like American Reunion, this movie suffers heavily from doing the same exact thing it’s been doing for the ENTIRE series, although unlike American Pie where it at least tries to do something entertaining, this movie barely even tries! Why do they keep making these movies or they keep making money, I will never understand!
Sigh… fine! I’ll get on with… whatever traces of a plot this movie has.
This movie is a direct sequel of Paranormal Activity 2 which is a prequel to Paranormal Activity, as it took place two months before the events of the original film… except this movie takes place several years after the first sequel, therefore, it happened a years after the first movie as well. Did you catch all that? Good.
In this movie, a teenager named Alex (played by Kathryn Newton) alongside her boyfriend, Ben (played by Matt Shively) discover their neighbor’s child Robbie (played by Brady Allen) hiding in their treehouse. When they try to return him to his mother, it turns out Robbie’s mother is ill and has to be taken to the hospital, leaving Robbie at the care of Alex and her family. As Robbie tells them, there’s an invisible “friend” that tags along with him, so Alex’s family tries to capture its presence with the help of several types of cameras, including, but restricted to, a Kinect. And… the rest plays out as you’d expect.
As I already said, my biggest problem with the movie is the fact that, like the other movies, despite using an entirely different cast, this movie does NOT offer you anything you haven’t seen before. Well… except for the fact that (and also my second biggest problem with the movie) the three previous entries at least gave some plausible explanations as to why the cameras are still around. Here THEY DON’T EVEN TRY!
Also, these have got to be some of the most advance laptops, as they can sure record a hell of a lot of footage without running out of memory. Also… WHO’S CONTROLLING THE CAMERA?!
Final Rating: 10%
Oh, man… 10% and there are only three more movies to go. Oh, no… and the Bottom 3 are just… guh…
#3. Chernobyl Diaries
Oh, boy! These are the bottom three movies that really wrestled for the worst of the worst, but only one of them could be the “winner”; and kicking off this horrendous conclusion, we have Chernobyl Diaries, yet another found-footage— okay… that’s the third found footage movie on this list, the THIRD! Much like 3D, can’t we just call the “found-footage” genre in general a gimmick and actually move on to something good? It’s these types of movies the reason why people hate this genre so much! Thankfully… it is the last “found footage” movie on the list. Oh! Also before you jump on my case about this, my sole exception is Chronicle, which shouldn't even be bundled with these movies, that movie isn't even a little bit bad, it’s awesome!
Now that I got that out of the way, we have this radioactive monstrosity of a film to get out of the way. In Chernobyl Diaries we have this group of… young adults, led by (if you can call him that) our main protagonist Chris (played by… Jesse McCartney… interesting). Chris and his crew are traveling around Europe visiting various landmarks and famous cities, which will ultimately lead up to Chris proposing to his girlfriend, Natalie (played by Olivia Taylor Dudley), in Moscow… at least until Chris’ brother Paul (played by Jonathan Sadowski) suggests that they go to the “Extreme” city of Pripyat, which sits in the shadow of the aftermath of the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant. They are greeted by a tour guide, Uri (played by Dimitri Diatchenko) and backpacking couple, who get on with the ride, they go in and get trapped inside the abandoned city. And because it is starting to get dark, and there is, supposedly, no way for our cast to return safely, not to mention the fact that they are trapped in the most radioactive city on the planet, well then the fun begins!
So what do I have against this movie? First of all, the characters are obnoxious, they are the typical horror movie cast that you just can NOT wait for them to get killed. The dialogue, even for this type of movie, is subpar at best, awful at worst. And do I have to mention how stupid the idea for them to go to Chernobyl is, in the first place? Ohh… but those are just the cliché horror movie elements that I hate; it’s the found footage elements that I despise even more, and I’ll tell you why.
This movie works in the exact same vein that Paranormal Activity or The Blair Witch Project in the fact that it tries to be a movie that indulges in nothing but its atmosphere to bring in the scares… which, to be fair, work to a fault, in those movies, you had the excuse of having to use your imagination to fill in the blanks of what this terrifying thing is, here you have to do the same… except, for those movies, you were looking for ghosts, here you’re searching for mutants. You’d think that in a horror movie that takes place in the Chernobyl Power Plant, there would at least be a mutant… but there aren’t. At no point in the movie do you see any mutants of any variety whatsoever. You see a mutated fish, and, hilariously, a bear, but those aren’t the monsters that you’d come to expect. Even if you WEREN’T expecting any monsters (for some reason), the fact that this movie is a found footage movie is infuriating, mainly because… there’s nobody holding the camera! That’s how you can tell that this movie was made for cheap, because there are no mutants— except for glance or two— and there’s nobody holding the camera. The characters never acknowledge the existence of there being a cameraman in the vicinity, so who’s the guy with the camera?! The only thing that this movie showed was the fact it was a SCAM! The only reason it’s the way it is, is so it can save as much money as possible, and expel as much out of the suckers’ wallets who paid to see this abomination in the first place!
Final Rating: 8%
AAHHHH!! I really didn't think it’d be possible for this day and age, for somebody to pull a tactic as cheap as this. It is easily the cheapest film on the list, costing only $1,000,000 to make. Even with are little money as it made, it proves just how much of cheap gimmick this genre is as a whole.
#2. Rock of Ages
Oh, man… talk about an agonizing experience.
At number two, we have Rock of Ages, quite possibly the worst musical I have ever seen… mind you, I’m talking about the movie; I’ve never actually seen the play it’s based on. Now, I have to say, originally I had no desire to see this movie at all, I mean the trailer didn’t really grab me, and when I read some of the reviews, they were just mixed. You know the “meh” type of reception. It seemed harmless enough, that is until I heard the Spill review for this movie, and how much nearly each of the critics (excluding Korey) hated it. All I could think to myself was: “Damn! Is this movie really THAT bad?!” So I decided to see it for myself… and I wish I could go back in time, so I could punch myself in the stomach for coming to that conclusion.
I don’t even know where to start. Oh! How about this…? Regardless of what you think of the music, it is only the cherry on top of this rotten rock sundae. First of all, the story is TERRIBLE! It is formulated from the most generic of plots that you can pull out of these songs. This includes Sherrie Christian (played Julianne Hough) is trying to live her dream of becoming a famous singer. So, she takes off from Oklahoma to Los Angeles, and arrives at The Bourbon Room, where Drew Boley (played by Diego Boneta) prepares for another night of rock. The two meet up with each other after Sherrie’s suitcase gets stolen, while Drew tries (and fails) to catch the robber. To make up for it, Drew gets her a job on the Bourbon Room as a waitress. While that’s going on, the club’s owner Dennis Dupree (played by Alec Baldwin, of 30 Rock fame) and his right-hand man Lonny Barnett (played by Russell Brand, of Arthur infamy) warn Drew that if he doesn’t find a way to deal with the club’s unpaid taxes, then it will be shut down. The only way to keep the club alive is to book legendary (fictional) rockstar, Stacee Jaxx (played by Tom Cruise) to perform at The Bourbon Room. While that’s going on, Patricia Whitmore (played embarrassedly by Catherine Zeta-Jones), a super religious and ultra-conservative wife of the Mayor, organizes a church to protest and rid L.A. of sex, drugs and rock n’ roooll!
… sorry.
My problem with this is that this story is TOO predictable, not to mention the choice of song really doesn’t help. But the WORST part about this movie is the actors. The acting range on this movie is all over the place, where you have actors ranging from trying too hard, to not trying at all. There is no stand-out performance (except for maybe, Tom Cruise) that makes you latch onto any of the characters, even worse is when they have to sing. I don’t know if anybody else felt just so embarrassed to watch the movie that I could not stop cringing at the songs. It doesn’t feel like a true to God musical, it feels like an overblown version of karaoke. Not since The Lorax had I seen comedy more cringeworthy than this! And on top of that, this movie is over two hours long. TWO hours!! A movie like this shouldn’t warrant this type of length, and for what? The songs? We can listen to it on YouTube for free! It is so painful to have to see a movie like this, that I honestly felt SICK watching it.
OH! I almost forgot! If this movie is perfect for anything, is that it proves that nostalgia is POISON! Most of the people who I heard were enjoying the movie looked like they were around their 30s or 40s, clearly at around the time when this music was around. As I said, it’s not the music that is the problem, but it’s only there as a cheap blanket to cover-up an atrocious mess of a film, that if anybody says they love for nostalgic value only, then I will have the full right of smashing an electric guitar all over your head. I’m honestly surprised I made it all the way through with chewing off my own limbs.
Final Rating: 5%
Okay! Just one more… one more entry! But… it is the worst of them all! If you know me, you can probably guess the movie I’m alluding to. What is it?!
#1. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn- Part 2
You’re probably saying to yourself, “I knew it!” Well, good for you! That still doesn’t excuse the fact that this movie is an utter piece of garbage. And, no! I am not doing this just to grab your attention, or rile up the nerves of the Twi-tards. I really truly despise this movie that much, I hate it just as much, if not even more than Breaking Dawn- Part 1… that’s REALLY saying something!
Okay, so this movie is what we have all been waiting for, the ultimate battle of Werewolves vs. Vampires… actually, it’s Vampires and Werewolves vs. The Volturi. Following from the previous part, Edward (played by Robert Pattinson) and Bella (played by Kristen Stewart) now have their baby, and Bella is now a vampire… an emotionless beast, who ironically has more personality as a vampire than a human. Just… wow. Jacob (played by Sharkboy, AKA Taylor Lautner) who… after IMPRINTING (as in falling in LOVE) with the baby, Renesmee (who is played for most of the movie by Mackenzie Foy) who is now grown up into a young girl… okay, we’re never really told how THAT happens, but considering the dismissive nature of this series, I’m not going to question it!
… hmm!
So, now that the new parents are finally getting their message across that their child isn’t a demon spawn from hell, rather she is a really sweet child, who just so happens to be part human, part vampire. The Volturi, however, would like to say otherwise. Their leader, Aro (played by an over-the-top Michael Sheen) keeps his suspicions on the fact that… ugh… Renesmee… is evil. Alice (played by Ashley Greene) sees this through her vision and warns the Cullen family that the Volturi are going to arrive in Washington to dispose of… ah… Renesmee… so, they form a plan, to go around the world and collect as many vampires as possible who, by the way, have superpowers! Yeah, I bet you didn’t know that vampirism gave you superpowers (to be fair, that’s kinda cool)! The Volturi, meanwhile, are killing any vampires that are going to help the cause, until it finally becomes time for the big battle.
The big battle, oh my GOD the big battle! If you’ve seen this movie, you probably know what’s coming! But before I get into that, let me get all the other problems out of the way.
Most of the actors either underact (Kristen Stewart) or overact (Michael Sheen), but there’s only a few who can deliver a subtle performance with true emotion… such as Charlie Swan (played by Billy Burke), who feels nothing but resent for Bella. Dude, I can’t blame you. I really hate that the one likable character, Jacob, had to be ruined by being turned into a whiny pedophile, and the only other characters who you COULD like, are barely ever around. (Most of) the effects are cheap as always, I don’t know if it’s just me, but the werewolves look worse and worse with each passing movie. There aren’t that many annoying cover songs in the movie, which I guess is a plus? What is less of a plus is the fact that you really just can’t take the running effect seriously. It’s now just funny, it’s hilarious! I swear, this movie is by far the funniest movie on the list… so why did I put it at the very bottom.
Well, I was working up to this point: the big battle. Do you guys know… why I hate the big battle? It’s not because it’s so bad… quite the contrary, it’s actually because it’s too good! It’s too good to deserve to be in a movie like this! Even when it’s starts of, it’s just an insane rollercoaster of unbelievable action and, I can’t believe I’m saying this, true badass moments… in a Twilight film of all things. The best part? This sequence is LITTERED with decapitations. Granted, there is no blood… but that doesn’t make it any less brutal; I shit you not, there were at least three or four times were I actually winced at the sight. And even better?! It’s Bella and Edward, I repeat, Bella and Edward who work together to take down and KILL the Volturi leader, Aro! It’s simply on of the coolest battle’s I had seen in a while, not even the battles from The Hobbit were THIS brutal. I am NOT exaggerating… but… there’s one problem… one…tiny problem…
IT WAS ALL A DREAM!!! It never… HAPPENED!!</b> Okay… It wasn’t a dream… it was VISION that Alice gave to Aro to show him what would happen if he dared to attack. A [b]VISION?! You mean that all the excitement and joy I saw prior to that scene was all for naught?! Even Twilight fans were outraged; even the FANS of this shitty series hated the twist! What does the tell you?! This IS the worst movie franchise ever! There’s NOOO question! One okay beginning, one cheesy sequel, one forgettable third addition, and a piss-poor two-part excrement of a finale! This is the way you wanna go out as series of movies?! And the thing that pushes this movie is the fact that not only do I hate everything about it, on top of that, I hate what it represents, an overly overblown pillar for Stephanie Meyers to sit her smug, talentless ass, as she laughs at the poor suckers who became invested in this series in the first place! Fuck…. YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUU!!
Final Rating: 1% (Note: the only thing that keeps this movie above absolute ZERO is the fact that it’s at least unintentionally funny. That’s it.)
I’m done… I’m finally done. That’s it… no more reviews for a while… I’ll talk to you guys later… now, fuck off! I need an aspirine… and anew keyboard… and a hug.
Artwork ©
DannyDukeHazard
Films © Their respective owners.
Hello, Deviants everywhere!
Well… I guess I’m not over my bad habit of making lists and reviews, yet. Better yet, I haven’t gotten over my streak of reviewing bad things. This time around however, it’s back to movies again. I haven’t reviewed a film since The Lorax (which I gave low marks to), but this here is a true bargain- I’m reviewing 10 bad movies in one list! Yep! I’ve decided to make my own “Worst” and “Best” of movie list for 2012. Why? Because I’ve been in a movie binge lately, and I’ve seen a lot of movies throughout the year: good, bad, great, and awful.
I’m no critic, but is it just me, or does 2012 feel like it was a pretty bad year for movies? Mind you, that doesn’t mean that every movie to have come out this year was horrible, but there was a higher ratio of bad movies to good ones. The reason I’m saying this, is because I struggled to think of movies I really love that deserve to be talked about, but had no problem thinking of movies that I WISH I could forget. Not to give away much of the list, but I will give you this little spoiler- most of the movies on this list are horror movies… yeah.
The thing is that I’ve been getting really into the horror genre lately; I’ve become more and more fascinated with the things that make us cower in fear… well, shit. This was NOT a good year to start on my trek of horror films. I know horror movies have a reputation of generally being considered bad, but this is just… inexcusable. Also, comedies. Comedies are pretty much on the same boat, as both horror and comedy films lately suffer the same problem, which is not being scary or funny enough, respectively. Strangely enough, horror movies have become funnier, while comedies have become scarier. Am I the only one who notices this?
I digress. Well, I wasted enough time. Let’s just dive right into…
The Bottom 10 Movies of 2012
#10. Branded
Oh, boy. This is a good one. Let me ask you guys something- have you ever heard of this movie, Branded? No? Well, let me give you a brief summary:
In this movie, a hamburger corporation gets help from fast-food guru, Joseph Pascal (played by Max von Sydow), in order to help them find a way to make fat “sexy” again, in order to advertise their… burgers. Okay. Sounds simple enough; he does so by putting up a reality TV show in which they show a fat woman slimming down, but the plan backfires. So, they must figure out a new plan. Mr. Pascal proposes his deal, where his proposition begins to sound a little… odd; as whatever he is going to do, is BEYOND the rulings of the law. But what?
Enter stage right, a young advertising executive, and our main protagonist, Misha (played by Ed Stoppard), who is trying to figure out what is wrong with the advertisements, as people are mindlessly spending their expenses into these new products. As it turns out, these advertisements are, in fact, mind-controlling monsters who have the population entranced into spending more money into the company’s burgers, products, whatever. How do we know this? Because Misha sacrifices a cow and pours its blood on himself to see the hidden monsters (obviously). So, in order to stop them, Misha creates a new company of healthy food, so he can create his own ad-monsters, to fight the evil ads, in order to stop them from controlling the public; all while it is narrated by Misha, a mysterious woman, and a cow.
Did you catch all that?
I’m sorry if my explanation for this movie is a little… convoluted. But the movie isn’t exactly easy to follow; in fact, I may be telling this story better than the movie is, because… you just have to see it to believe it. It is an oversensory experience that, quite frankly, almost made me nauseous. And I swear I’m not making any of this up; I’m telling you guys the abridged, sweet-and-to-the-point version of this story, because trying to keep up with it, is about as stupid of an idea as this whole ordeal.
I have three major problems with this move: first, it is barely two hours long, which is too long for a movie like this. Second, this movie is properly structured…
… for Bizarro World!
That’s right boys and girls! Not only is it poorly written and executed, but it is quite incompetent as well. There is no way to relate to any of these characters, as they are too strange for their own good; the plot is far too idiotic and poorly put-together to even understand, and the effects are laughable at best. But the worst aspect of this, do not, and I repeat, DO NOT watch this movie alone. That’s probably the most crucial mistake you could make watching this disaster of a film; God knows I sure did.
Again, I apologize if my summary isn’t very clear, and please do help me if I missed any important details, because there’s no way I can put this together in a concise way, and make it sound like a proper narrative.
To call this movie a mess, would be an understatement. I quite frankly don’t know what went wrong, if it was just one thing. From what I know, this is a Russian-American collaboration, as it has (presumably) both an American and Russian director (Jamie Bradshaw and Aleksander Dulerayn; both of which I’ve never heard of before). I don’t know if they had a translator, who ran away from the set, if they couldn’t direct worth a damn, if they had a script to begin with, or all of the above? I don’t know where this movie fell apart, but it was clearly WAY before it hit theaters.
So, why is it #10? Well, believe it or not, I considered it the least infuriating of all these movies; near the end of the movie, it will go into at least 3 or 4 false ends; the screen will go black, only for the movie to suddenly start back up again. That, was pretty irritating.
I’ll say this, though, watch the movie with a friend. At least then, you’ll have somebody to accompany you in this disaster of a film. I guess the one good thing I can say, is that it barely made any money from box-office revenues, so at least we won’t see another movie like this.
Final Rating: 30%
The only other thing this movie has over the remaining nine entries, is that it’s at least creative. Not necessarily in a good way, but at least it has more originality than the following entries, which makes it the… “easiest” to sit through, in my opinion.
Unlike…
#9. The Devil Inside
This is quite literally the first movie to have come out in 2012, so maybe it thought it would take some comfort that if it came out so early, then we would forget about it…
… think again. So what’s wrong with this movie exactly?
Here’s the deal, and I need to make this clear, it is a found footage, exorcist, horror movie. The word that stands out from there is “exorcist”. We have not had an exorcist found footage movie prior to this one, and… we won’t be having another one anytime soon (hopefully), but I’m getting ahead of myself.
This story follows Isabella Rossi (played by Fernanda Andrade), who is being followed by this documentary, who are investigating the story of her mother, who might have a demon in her, and might have murdered somebody during an exorcism. They go to Vatican City, and run into these two renegade priests, Ben and David (played by Simon Quarterman and Evan Helmuth, respectively), in order to help Isabella’s mother, Maria Rossi (played by Suzan Crowley), with another exorcism and figure out if it’s true or not.
Already this movie has a much more comprehensible plot than our previous entry, which is a plus… however it suffers from one fatal flaw, which is, ironically, its biggest strength as well.
The idea is that this movie sets the possibility that these exorcisms COULD happen in our real world, and that they MIGHT have happened. This gives the movie a slow pace, for the sake of dramatic suspense, as our characters debate the possibilities and reasons behind these demons. Most people might not like that, but I thought it made the movie far more interesting than any of the other horror movies of this type, as it made me truly intrigued in the possibilities as well.
“Wow!” I thought, “this movie has its brain in its cranium; making for a much more tense experience than any of the Paranormal Activity movies combined!”
Crushingly, this made it all the more disappointing when the movie kept on pushing the realism and drama, with much less of the horror in between. Even for its slow pace, the dialogue made the movie feel like it was dragging on for way too long, and it had nowhere to go... except for the ending. I probably would have not been nearly as mad at this movie had I not been for the ending.
Let me tell you why, I am pissed about this movie, because it was much more engaging in its premise than I ever expected… until it gets closer and closer ‘till the end, where the most interesting parts of the movie start to happen… then it ends! That’s it! When things start to get REALLY good, the movie’s over!
This movie also suffers from a cliché shitstrom! From BOTH the exorcist AND found footage-type genre! This includes, people bending like pretzels, cursing out inappropriate remarks, that irritating shaky-cam effect, and the fact that the cameraman refuses to put the camera down, no matter what happens.
But the kick to the BALLS that earned this movie at the #9 spot on the list was the very final frame, where the movie gave the wed address to show us that these supposed “real” exorcisms that “REALLY” happened! I can’t even begin to tell you how much that made my blood boil to think that this movie could’ve been really good, but fell so short, it’s like it never even left the starting line.
You need to go to a certain website to find out if your bullshit was real? You need to go to https://www.suckmycock.com to think you have the balls to tell me what to do, The Devil Inside!
Final Rating: 26%
I swear, I’m gonna need an exorcist after this list is over… either that, or anger management classes.
#8. Battleship
Well, this is what I get for opening my big, fat piehole.
“Ohh! But Hollywood CAN actually make a cool naval battle movie based on a board game with no story or plot whatsoever!” I said, as I tried REALLY hard not to be as painfully skeptic about this movie as other moviegoers were, ergo I tried REALLY hard to like this movie so I could get the last laugh and say that there is a way to do Transformers right!
Oh, God! What the hell was I drinking?! Reality will always disappoint when compared to the things we can imagine, like me imagining that this is a good movie or Coco Bandicoot in a bikini massaging my shoulders while calling me "6-feet of pure handsome" (as I truly am.
studmuffinplz). But enough about me, and more about this shitty abomination of an “adaptation” of a game that calls itself a “movie”.Right away, the idea for the movie alone, is just DUMB! But would you believe that they actually find a way to make it even dumber? I didn’t that was possible either! But, I digress.
Battleship is about Stanley S. Squarepants joining the military. Whoops! I mean the story of how former slacker, Alex Hopper (played by Taylor Kitsch), went to the navy in order to protect the world from aliens!
Okay, okay, there’s a little bit more to it than that. :cough:
NASA discovers an extrasolar planet, called “Planet-G” (what the G stands for, is anybody’s guess), with conditions that are very similar to the ones on Earth, including similar human-like lifeforms (but I’ll get to those in a minute). While that’s going on, Alex gets arrested for trying to flirt with the daughter of Admiral Terrance Shane (played by Liam Neeson, Mr. Badass himself). Alex’s brother, Stone Hopper (played by Alexander Skarsgard) forces him to join the navy for being pissed at his brother being a slacker.
Okay, in case you’re wondering why I compared Talyor Kitsch’s character to Stanley S. Squarepants, some of you might get the point I’m trying to make. If not, let me break it down for you:
He’s a FUCK-UP!!
Normally, I wouldn’t mind this sort of character, if not for the fact that the movie wastes no time giving him everything, the girl, the promotion, the chance to encounter intelligent beings from other planets; I mean, throughout the whole movie, he is treated like a clown, and for the good reason that he has very poor composure and discipline. And in case you’re wondering, no, he does NOT improve from this. Oh, but he’s only part of the problem as to what the fuck is wrong with this movie.
Allow me to make this comparison: Beastly is to Twilight as Battleship is to Transformers. Both Beastly and this movie are trying to copy the style and steal their respective demographics from the popular franchises they’re trying to be as. The only thing both of these movies (sadly) succeed in, is that they make the movies they’re ripping off look better (in comparison), by them being slightly worse. I don’t know if there is some sort of plan going on with Hollywood that says that there needs to be a rip-off of a puzzling popular film franchise, only to make them look better and attract more people.
Yes, guys! I do think this is worse than any of the other Transformers movies combined, this movie looks worse by comparison on the fact that even though it is too long (time-wise), and too stupid for its own good, unlike Transformers, it’s also very boring. Let me tell you, you WILL forget that there are aliens in this movie, because it takes the movie nearly an HOUR to complete its setup. By that point, an action setpiece might have already happened, two if you’re Michael Bay. Maybe an explosion littered here and there.
Unlike Transformers, this movie sticks fairly close to the mythology of the franchise it’s based on… if there was any, to begin with. The way they work the game into the movie, is that the aliens build this dome to trap their own ships as well as Earth’s Navy’s ships in a grid where they can’t detect each other using their radars, rather they have to destroy each other by plain old GUESSING. It’s… not nearly as exciting as you think it would be… if you thought it was exciting to begin with.
Ugh… let me tell you about the aliens. Do you think the aliens come from an Earth-like planet in order for us to familiarize with them? NO! They come from an Earth-like planet because the designers for these aliens were too fucking lazy! They’re basically human save for a few reptilian features.
The acting and dialogue are just… atrocious; almost on the same level as The Last Airbender. Believe me, you will feel physically ill hearing how poorly-delivered and written these lines are, especially in the second half of the film.
I could go on and on about the bucket list of problems littered on this movie, but I really need to move on, before Battleship engulfs the rest of the list.
Final Rating: 22%
Well, if anything needs to be said, this movie must have taken Hasbro down a peg. They palyed the game… and, I just have to say it…
We sunk their Battleship! (There! It’s out of my system!)
#7. American Reunion
… Please tell me I’m pretending this movie exists.
Before I say anything, I dare ask: who the FUCK was asking for an American Pie movie, by this point?
Sigh… I really don’t wanna cover this one. I mean… what can you say? “It’s American Pie… again… again… AGAIN?!” Yes, I am pretty pissed that this movie even exists! Not only that, but it barely has any distinction from the other Americna Pie movies.
Here’s the… “plot”:
13 years after graduating high school, Jim Levenstein (played by, who else? Jason Biggs), Chris Ostreicher (played by declining movie star, Chris Klein), Kevin Myers (played by Thomas Ian Nicholas) and Stiffler (Seann William Scott) have finally achieved the standard of having well-established careers and lives (I find this incredibly hard to believe, but I’ll get to that later). Their former classmate, John, AKA the “MILF Guy” (John Cho), organizes a Class of ’99 high school reunion at East Great Falls. There, Jim encounters his neighbor Kara (played by Ali Cobrin, a pretty cute girl I might add), whom he used to babysit, is soon to turn 18… and is, for some reason, infatuated with Jim.
Okay, I’m sure Jason Biggs is probably a nice guy, he is probably a friendly person, I can NOT stand his character. I’ve never like Jim in any of the movies because of how wishy-washy he is, how… embarrassed — which is his default mood throughout the entire SERIES — he always is, and how he always has to stutter when he talks. Well, I can relate to him in that aspect… I can also tell him that NOBODY likes that sort of guy who gets flustered to the point where he can’t even talk!
Hah… sorry… but JIM is part of the reason why I hate this movie so much; he hasn’t changed at all! Actually… now that I think about it… none of these characters have changed, none at all! You think at their age these guys would have actually grown-up, matured, developed, SOMETHING! It really drives me up the walls whenever I encounter the “Single Joke Character”, the type of character who is just a joke that “never gets old”… for the movie, maybe!
This movie’s littered with characters that most of them don’t even bother to cover because, of the time restrain, and the fact that these guys can’t write characters to save their lives! I’m sorry; I just can’t get over the fact that after so long, that they would have actually changed in some ways. At least if they had matured, it would’ve been funnier to see them getting stuck in such awkward situations!
Final Rating: 19%
Sorry if this review wasn’t as big… but, I can barely remember the movie as it is, it’s very forgettable first of all, second of all, I really hate how much time it spends on nothing but pure bullshit. And I heard there’s a fifth movie on the way…
…
#6. Savages
Believe it or not, when I was making the list, this isn’t one of the films I considered to be on here, at least not at first. That is until I remembered how much I hated this mess of a piece of- okay.
What this movie is about, it’s about these two guys, these two geniuses, Ben (played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson, AKA: Kickass) and Chon (Taylor Kitsch— didn’t I just review a treerible movie you were already in?!) who managed to make the best weed in the world. This is mainly thanks to Ben, who is both a botanic and business genius. Chon is a former Navy SEAL, who smuggled seeds for the marijuana plants out of Afghanistan. The two of them worked together to create marijuana so potent that it actually made them VERY wealthy. Between these two, we have O, real name Ophelia (played by Blake Lively) who is both their girlfriend, and the movie’s narrator. Yep! No need to fight for territory here, everybody shares everything!
Anyway, they get contacted by Lado (played by Benicio del Toro) a cartel enforcer who makes a… “fair offer” for them to meet up with their cartel leader, so they can buy Ben’s and Chon’s weed business. They… refuse. Because of this, this mighty cartel decides that an effective way to get their attention, is to kidnap their girlfriend, O, so they WILL sell their weed business to them, lest Ben and Chon want the cartel to play volleyball with O’s soon-to-be severed head.
… oh, boy. Where do we begin?
Okay, the story I have no problem with, but the characters are. One of my biggest problems with this movie, is that the three main characters are just SOOOO uninteresting. Taylor Kistch’s character here is basically a combination of John Carter and his character from Battleship. He’s so serious and deadpan, I could’ve sworn he’d become a Terminator by the end of the movie, because the only emotions he has is “anger”. Ben is slightly more interesting, mainly because he is the nicer and smarter of the two, and is also the most apprehensive to violence (which is Chon’s department). He is STILL pretty dull, thanks to that quiet façade of his; I don’t know, but I think the weed got them. The worst offender is O, who, she is with the cartel for most of the movie as a captive, is whiny, boring, and just a pain to listen to. And I need to make that clear because, while in captivity, she demands finer conditions for her cell, wanting to be pampered and treated as “not just a prisoner” because she is important.
Dude, you’re a captive of the cartel! They’re not exactly known for being benevolent; you’re pretty lucky to be alive as it is; they’re not afraid to kill their OWN members, for crying out loud! Also, I really hate her “attempt” at keeping us intrigued by having us ponder if she is alive or dead right at the beginning of the movie. I… could care less. I don’t know if it’s the weed, but these guys don’t seem to understand the concept of getting a fucking move-on! They’re TOO mellow to give them any believability, making the other characters FAR more interesting by comparison, especially Lado, who despite being a cartoony bad guy, is by far the most unpredictable and most entertaining of the whole cast, with John Travolta and Salma Hayek (Who I gotta admit, is pretty fucking hot in this movie), not too far behind.
One thing I just don’t get about this movie is the way it exploits certain visual elements, for example: In the beginning, when our two male leads are pounding on O, they’re completely naked, while O is still wearing all of her clothes. I don’t get why this movie is afraid to show tits, while it has no qualms of showing a guy’s bare ass— oh, wait! I forgot they DO show tits… not from our uninteresting narrator… and (sadly) not from Salma Hayek, but from a random stripper who barely has three lines of dialogue. I don’t know if it’s just me, but did anyone else feel that watching this movie felt as if somebody was messing with the camera’s filters? It’s as if a 7-year-old got a hold of his daddy’s camera and wanted to film an epic-looking movie, but didn’t know how to use the camera and just screwed around with the filters. It hurt my eyes after a while; the fact that I was watching this with those stupid 3D glasses probably didn’t help.
If there is one thing this movie wants to make clear is that the cartel is evil; they do everything to show you how evil they are, although that came across as more desperate and funny, than actually threatening. Also it constantly reminds you of the word “savages”, just in case you forgot the name of the fucking movie! They were even nice enough to tell us what the definition of the word is… no, not their own spin on the word, but its definition; something you can read out of a fucking dictionary for fucking free instead of watching this fucking piece of fucking shit!
Yes, I am getting angry, because I’m getting to my least favorite part of the movie, and I don’t care if this spoiling the movie (in case it is, just skip to my final rating), but the thing they do at the end… I was just baffled. You see, near the end of the movie, when Ben and Chon finally get their girlfriend back, there’s an all-out shoot-out that basically ends up with both opposing parties being dead… until O rewinds the movie.
No, I’m not kidding. She quite literally says “… BUT that’s not how it happened” and rewinds the movie to the point before the final shoot-out began…
WHY?! So can find out how the story TRULY winded up ending… I don’t care! By that point I already had very little interest in what would happen to these guys, you think I actually care if they make it out alive or not?!
Final Rating: 16%
Ohh… I can’t believe we’re only halfway through… aah… it only gets worse from here!
#5. House at the End of the Street
If you were to breed The Last House on the Left with The Roommate, this movie would be their bastard lovechild.
In this movie, mother and daughter, Sarah and Elissa Cassidy (played by Elizabeth Shue and Jennifer Lawrence, respectively) find their perfect dream house in this small upscale town in the middle of nowhere. The two soon learn that there is something grim about this town, until they learn of the house… at the end of the street. Enter stage right, Ryan Jacobson (played by Max Thieriot), as the son of a couple who were mysteriously and “horrifically” — and I am saying “horrifically” in the biggest quotation marks Microsoft Word will allow— murdered by the mysterious killer in this one house…
… and I’m going to stop right there, because the movie is pretty vacant after that. First of all, this may be a bit of a forgone conclusion, but… this couple got murdered… and their sole son stayed behind alone on this one house, and the people haven’t been able to figure out who killed them. And before you even bother trying to defend this turd of a film, yes it was Ryan who killed his own parents, because they forced him to act like this girl, Carrie-Ann, whom he was supposed to take care of while his parents were being dicks.
I’m sorry if this mini-review is short and uninteresting… but so is movie! Now, I did compare it, first of all, to The Last House on the Left which is horrible, but this movie is actually tamer than that… actually, I would dare say TOO tame; which is why I also compared it to The Roommate. The thing is, that I think if this movie were a little bit cleverer and actually knew how to use its actors, we’d have a much scarier and tense film. There are very little scares, and they are too far off in between, and for most of the movie nothing happens. Jennifer Lawrence, an actress who I’ve grown to love thanks to The Hunger Games and Silver-Linings Playbook</i>, which is the reason why I was excited to see this movie…
… I should’ve known better. I mean this movie doesn’t qualify as a horror movie, it qualifies more as a thriller, but it’s barely even THAT either. So what is it? Am I supposed to be scared, am I supposed to be thrilled? Or am I supposed to be bored out of my fucking skull?
Well, I can at least say “yes” to one of those questions, and let me tell you, it ain’t the former two.
[i]Final Rating: 13%
This movie sure does know how to redefine the word “waste”, as anything that it had in here to make it good, didn’t matter in the end. I guess If anything, it’s slightly better than The Roommate but that’s not saying much.
#4. Paranormal Activity 4
Huh. What are the odds that yet another fourth entry in a franchise of a series that I hate would make it on this list?
You know, it’s rare that a second sequel would turn out to be good, but there is no way a fourth entry could guarantee some quality, especially from a series ad bland and predictable as this. Listen… there is nothing new about this movie, in fact, I can summarize all four of these movies like this: there is a demon/ghost/Richard Simmons/whatever is haunting these people, it barely does a thing until the end of the movie, where it ends abruptly. Would you be surprised if I told you that this movie ends the same way? No! Just like American Reunion, this movie suffers heavily from doing the same exact thing it’s been doing for the ENTIRE series, although unlike American Pie where it at least tries to do something entertaining, this movie barely even tries! Why do they keep making these movies or they keep making money, I will never understand!
Sigh… fine! I’ll get on with… whatever traces of a plot this movie has.
This movie is a direct sequel of Paranormal Activity 2 which is a prequel to Paranormal Activity, as it took place two months before the events of the original film… except this movie takes place several years after the first sequel, therefore, it happened a years after the first movie as well. Did you catch all that? Good.
In this movie, a teenager named Alex (played by Kathryn Newton) alongside her boyfriend, Ben (played by Matt Shively) discover their neighbor’s child Robbie (played by Brady Allen) hiding in their treehouse. When they try to return him to his mother, it turns out Robbie’s mother is ill and has to be taken to the hospital, leaving Robbie at the care of Alex and her family. As Robbie tells them, there’s an invisible “friend” that tags along with him, so Alex’s family tries to capture its presence with the help of several types of cameras, including, but restricted to, a Kinect. And… the rest plays out as you’d expect.
As I already said, my biggest problem with the movie is the fact that, like the other movies, despite using an entirely different cast, this movie does NOT offer you anything you haven’t seen before. Well… except for the fact that (and also my second biggest problem with the movie) the three previous entries at least gave some plausible explanations as to why the cameras are still around. Here THEY DON’T EVEN TRY!
Also, these have got to be some of the most advance laptops, as they can sure record a hell of a lot of footage without running out of memory. Also… WHO’S CONTROLLING THE CAMERA?!
Final Rating: 10%
Oh, man… 10% and there are only three more movies to go. Oh, no… and the Bottom 3 are just… guh…
#3. Chernobyl Diaries
Oh, boy! These are the bottom three movies that really wrestled for the worst of the worst, but only one of them could be the “winner”; and kicking off this horrendous conclusion, we have Chernobyl Diaries, yet another found-footage— okay… that’s the third found footage movie on this list, the THIRD! Much like 3D, can’t we just call the “found-footage” genre in general a gimmick and actually move on to something good? It’s these types of movies the reason why people hate this genre so much! Thankfully… it is the last “found footage” movie on the list. Oh! Also before you jump on my case about this, my sole exception is Chronicle, which shouldn't even be bundled with these movies, that movie isn't even a little bit bad, it’s awesome!
Now that I got that out of the way, we have this radioactive monstrosity of a film to get out of the way. In Chernobyl Diaries we have this group of… young adults, led by (if you can call him that) our main protagonist Chris (played by… Jesse McCartney… interesting). Chris and his crew are traveling around Europe visiting various landmarks and famous cities, which will ultimately lead up to Chris proposing to his girlfriend, Natalie (played by Olivia Taylor Dudley), in Moscow… at least until Chris’ brother Paul (played by Jonathan Sadowski) suggests that they go to the “Extreme” city of Pripyat, which sits in the shadow of the aftermath of the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant. They are greeted by a tour guide, Uri (played by Dimitri Diatchenko) and backpacking couple, who get on with the ride, they go in and get trapped inside the abandoned city. And because it is starting to get dark, and there is, supposedly, no way for our cast to return safely, not to mention the fact that they are trapped in the most radioactive city on the planet, well then the fun begins!
So what do I have against this movie? First of all, the characters are obnoxious, they are the typical horror movie cast that you just can NOT wait for them to get killed. The dialogue, even for this type of movie, is subpar at best, awful at worst. And do I have to mention how stupid the idea for them to go to Chernobyl is, in the first place? Ohh… but those are just the cliché horror movie elements that I hate; it’s the found footage elements that I despise even more, and I’ll tell you why.
This movie works in the exact same vein that Paranormal Activity or The Blair Witch Project in the fact that it tries to be a movie that indulges in nothing but its atmosphere to bring in the scares… which, to be fair, work to a fault, in those movies, you had the excuse of having to use your imagination to fill in the blanks of what this terrifying thing is, here you have to do the same… except, for those movies, you were looking for ghosts, here you’re searching for mutants. You’d think that in a horror movie that takes place in the Chernobyl Power Plant, there would at least be a mutant… but there aren’t. At no point in the movie do you see any mutants of any variety whatsoever. You see a mutated fish, and, hilariously, a bear, but those aren’t the monsters that you’d come to expect. Even if you WEREN’T expecting any monsters (for some reason), the fact that this movie is a found footage movie is infuriating, mainly because… there’s nobody holding the camera! That’s how you can tell that this movie was made for cheap, because there are no mutants— except for glance or two— and there’s nobody holding the camera. The characters never acknowledge the existence of there being a cameraman in the vicinity, so who’s the guy with the camera?! The only thing that this movie showed was the fact it was a SCAM! The only reason it’s the way it is, is so it can save as much money as possible, and expel as much out of the suckers’ wallets who paid to see this abomination in the first place!
Final Rating: 8%
AAHHHH!! I really didn't think it’d be possible for this day and age, for somebody to pull a tactic as cheap as this. It is easily the cheapest film on the list, costing only $1,000,000 to make. Even with are little money as it made, it proves just how much of cheap gimmick this genre is as a whole.
#2. Rock of Ages
Oh, man… talk about an agonizing experience.
At number two, we have Rock of Ages, quite possibly the worst musical I have ever seen… mind you, I’m talking about the movie; I’ve never actually seen the play it’s based on. Now, I have to say, originally I had no desire to see this movie at all, I mean the trailer didn’t really grab me, and when I read some of the reviews, they were just mixed. You know the “meh” type of reception. It seemed harmless enough, that is until I heard the Spill review for this movie, and how much nearly each of the critics (excluding Korey) hated it. All I could think to myself was: “Damn! Is this movie really THAT bad?!” So I decided to see it for myself… and I wish I could go back in time, so I could punch myself in the stomach for coming to that conclusion.
I don’t even know where to start. Oh! How about this…? Regardless of what you think of the music, it is only the cherry on top of this rotten rock sundae. First of all, the story is TERRIBLE! It is formulated from the most generic of plots that you can pull out of these songs. This includes Sherrie Christian (played Julianne Hough) is trying to live her dream of becoming a famous singer. So, she takes off from Oklahoma to Los Angeles, and arrives at The Bourbon Room, where Drew Boley (played by Diego Boneta) prepares for another night of rock. The two meet up with each other after Sherrie’s suitcase gets stolen, while Drew tries (and fails) to catch the robber. To make up for it, Drew gets her a job on the Bourbon Room as a waitress. While that’s going on, the club’s owner Dennis Dupree (played by Alec Baldwin, of 30 Rock fame) and his right-hand man Lonny Barnett (played by Russell Brand, of Arthur infamy) warn Drew that if he doesn’t find a way to deal with the club’s unpaid taxes, then it will be shut down. The only way to keep the club alive is to book legendary (fictional) rockstar, Stacee Jaxx (played by Tom Cruise) to perform at The Bourbon Room. While that’s going on, Patricia Whitmore (played embarrassedly by Catherine Zeta-Jones), a super religious and ultra-conservative wife of the Mayor, organizes a church to protest and rid L.A. of sex, drugs and rock n’ roooll!
… sorry.
My problem with this is that this story is TOO predictable, not to mention the choice of song really doesn’t help. But the WORST part about this movie is the actors. The acting range on this movie is all over the place, where you have actors ranging from trying too hard, to not trying at all. There is no stand-out performance (except for maybe, Tom Cruise) that makes you latch onto any of the characters, even worse is when they have to sing. I don’t know if anybody else felt just so embarrassed to watch the movie that I could not stop cringing at the songs. It doesn’t feel like a true to God musical, it feels like an overblown version of karaoke. Not since The Lorax had I seen comedy more cringeworthy than this! And on top of that, this movie is over two hours long. TWO hours!! A movie like this shouldn’t warrant this type of length, and for what? The songs? We can listen to it on YouTube for free! It is so painful to have to see a movie like this, that I honestly felt SICK watching it.
OH! I almost forgot! If this movie is perfect for anything, is that it proves that nostalgia is POISON! Most of the people who I heard were enjoying the movie looked like they were around their 30s or 40s, clearly at around the time when this music was around. As I said, it’s not the music that is the problem, but it’s only there as a cheap blanket to cover-up an atrocious mess of a film, that if anybody says they love for nostalgic value only, then I will have the full right of smashing an electric guitar all over your head. I’m honestly surprised I made it all the way through with chewing off my own limbs.
Final Rating: 5%
Okay! Just one more… one more entry! But… it is the worst of them all! If you know me, you can probably guess the movie I’m alluding to. What is it?!
#1. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn- Part 2
You’re probably saying to yourself, “I knew it!” Well, good for you! That still doesn’t excuse the fact that this movie is an utter piece of garbage. And, no! I am not doing this just to grab your attention, or rile up the nerves of the Twi-tards. I really truly despise this movie that much, I hate it just as much, if not even more than Breaking Dawn- Part 1… that’s REALLY saying something!
Okay, so this movie is what we have all been waiting for, the ultimate battle of Werewolves vs. Vampires… actually, it’s Vampires and Werewolves vs. The Volturi. Following from the previous part, Edward (played by Robert Pattinson) and Bella (played by Kristen Stewart) now have their baby, and Bella is now a vampire… an emotionless beast, who ironically has more personality as a vampire than a human. Just… wow. Jacob (played by Sharkboy, AKA Taylor Lautner) who… after IMPRINTING (as in falling in LOVE) with the baby, Renesmee (who is played for most of the movie by Mackenzie Foy) who is now grown up into a young girl… okay, we’re never really told how THAT happens, but considering the dismissive nature of this series, I’m not going to question it!
… hmm!
So, now that the new parents are finally getting their message across that their child isn’t a demon spawn from hell, rather she is a really sweet child, who just so happens to be part human, part vampire. The Volturi, however, would like to say otherwise. Their leader, Aro (played by an over-the-top Michael Sheen) keeps his suspicions on the fact that… ugh… Renesmee… is evil. Alice (played by Ashley Greene) sees this through her vision and warns the Cullen family that the Volturi are going to arrive in Washington to dispose of… ah… Renesmee… so, they form a plan, to go around the world and collect as many vampires as possible who, by the way, have superpowers! Yeah, I bet you didn’t know that vampirism gave you superpowers (to be fair, that’s kinda cool)! The Volturi, meanwhile, are killing any vampires that are going to help the cause, until it finally becomes time for the big battle.
The big battle, oh my GOD the big battle! If you’ve seen this movie, you probably know what’s coming! But before I get into that, let me get all the other problems out of the way.
Most of the actors either underact (Kristen Stewart) or overact (Michael Sheen), but there’s only a few who can deliver a subtle performance with true emotion… such as Charlie Swan (played by Billy Burke), who feels nothing but resent for Bella. Dude, I can’t blame you. I really hate that the one likable character, Jacob, had to be ruined by being turned into a whiny pedophile, and the only other characters who you COULD like, are barely ever around. (Most of) the effects are cheap as always, I don’t know if it’s just me, but the werewolves look worse and worse with each passing movie. There aren’t that many annoying cover songs in the movie, which I guess is a plus? What is less of a plus is the fact that you really just can’t take the running effect seriously. It’s now just funny, it’s hilarious! I swear, this movie is by far the funniest movie on the list… so why did I put it at the very bottom.
Well, I was working up to this point: the big battle. Do you guys know… why I hate the big battle? It’s not because it’s so bad… quite the contrary, it’s actually because it’s too good! It’s too good to deserve to be in a movie like this! Even when it’s starts of, it’s just an insane rollercoaster of unbelievable action and, I can’t believe I’m saying this, true badass moments… in a Twilight film of all things. The best part? This sequence is LITTERED with decapitations. Granted, there is no blood… but that doesn’t make it any less brutal; I shit you not, there were at least three or four times were I actually winced at the sight. And even better?! It’s Bella and Edward, I repeat, Bella and Edward who work together to take down and KILL the Volturi leader, Aro! It’s simply on of the coolest battle’s I had seen in a while, not even the battles from The Hobbit were THIS brutal. I am NOT exaggerating… but… there’s one problem… one…
IT WAS ALL A DREAM!!! It never… HAPPENED!!</b> Okay… It wasn’t a dream… it was VISION that Alice gave to Aro to show him what would happen if he dared to attack. A [b]VISION?! You mean that all the excitement and joy I saw prior to that scene was all for naught?! Even Twilight fans were outraged; even the FANS of this shitty series hated the twist! What does the tell you?! This IS the worst movie franchise ever! There’s NOOO question! One okay beginning, one cheesy sequel, one forgettable third addition, and a piss-poor two-part excrement of a finale! This is the way you wanna go out as series of movies?! And the thing that pushes this movie is the fact that not only do I hate everything about it, on top of that, I hate what it represents, an overly overblown pillar for Stephanie Meyers to sit her smug, talentless ass, as she laughs at the poor suckers who became invested in this series in the first place! Fuck…. YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUU!!
Final Rating: 1% (Note: the only thing that keeps this movie above absolute ZERO is the fact that it’s at least unintentionally funny. That’s it.)
I’m done… I’m finally done. That’s it… no more reviews for a while… I’ll talk to you guys later… now, fuck off! I need an aspirine… and anew keyboard… and a hug.
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DannyDukeHazardFilms © Their respective owners.
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