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Something I'm doing for class actually, and I was wondering if it was worth pursuing for a finish :] please tell be what you think, I'm still somewhat new to the writing scene.
edit--- this is most deffinately no where near finished and was done in a ten minute time span. it is short :D
edit--- this is most deffinately no where near finished and was done in a ten minute time span. it is short :D
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 24.5 kB
You use a hell of a lot of passive voice, which is a bad things when trying to write in an engaging style. Passive voice is sometimes a hard concept to grasp but it's when you're using a lot of words like "was" or "is." Basically, what you're writing is a confusion between the subject of the sentence (noun) and the predicate of the sentence (verb). Basically, you're taking what you want to be the verb and making it a noun.
Let's take the sentence "The ball was bounced." While ball is the obvious subject of the sentence, the predicate of the sentence is not "bounced," the more engaging verb, it's "was," a sort of passive verb. The word "bounced" then becomes a very weak verb, kind of like an adjective of sorts. I can't remember if there's a certain word for it, but basically the word "bounced" more closely describes the state of the ball rather than what the ball is actively doing.
Anyway, technical description aside, you've got a lot of it in the story and it makes for a kind bored-sounding narrative. Instead of saying "It was nearly impossible to comprehend exactly what was happening," you just need to switch words around a little, substitute a few, and you come out with a sentence like "Exactly what was happening evaded comprehension." Or "The speed at which a person can travel when truly inspired amazes the mind."
Your pacing could use some improvement. Your fourth paragraph, in six sentences, covers all of Kygo driving consciously on the road, to getting in a wreck, to a few hours passing, to hearing voices and coming to awareness, to realizing he's in a hospital. That's just one example, the story in its entirety is pretty quickly paced. You need to slow down a little and let the events develop a little more naturally.
Let's take the sentence "The ball was bounced." While ball is the obvious subject of the sentence, the predicate of the sentence is not "bounced," the more engaging verb, it's "was," a sort of passive verb. The word "bounced" then becomes a very weak verb, kind of like an adjective of sorts. I can't remember if there's a certain word for it, but basically the word "bounced" more closely describes the state of the ball rather than what the ball is actively doing.
Anyway, technical description aside, you've got a lot of it in the story and it makes for a kind bored-sounding narrative. Instead of saying "It was nearly impossible to comprehend exactly what was happening," you just need to switch words around a little, substitute a few, and you come out with a sentence like "Exactly what was happening evaded comprehension." Or "The speed at which a person can travel when truly inspired amazes the mind."
Your pacing could use some improvement. Your fourth paragraph, in six sentences, covers all of Kygo driving consciously on the road, to getting in a wreck, to a few hours passing, to hearing voices and coming to awareness, to realizing he's in a hospital. That's just one example, the story in its entirety is pretty quickly paced. You need to slow down a little and let the events develop a little more naturally.
yah, I'm still a noob writer xDD my first thing written for the class, but I get what you're saying :] and yah, it was a little rushed and I kind of wanted several things to happen in the short amount of time I was writing, but I still get what you're saying. if anything this is a 'pilot' for the actual story that I might write.
thanks for your input :]
thanks for your input :]
I was going to write a long comment, but see Toonces' comment above. He knows his shit.
I'm interested to see what will happen next just based on the "Let's call it" line, but if you have a clear idea of the plot from here on out, you should focus on drawing out the action *before* the car crash. You can use it to flesh out Kygo's character, his thought processes, make us as the readers have a stake in what happens to him beyond simple dramatic action. I care that he was in a car wreck, but that's because I don't want people to be in car wrecks and he is obviously the main character. What about his life is it that really draws us to him before the crash happens? Is this class particularly crucial? Is he preoccupied with something else that seems far more important?
And if none of that is important, why do we even see the car crash at all? It might be even more dramatically effective to start him off in the hospital. Maybe have consciousness and memory fade back to him slowly? He's obviously confused about his situation, you could really run with that instead of giving us the context of everything in the previous couple paragraphs. If what's important is his situation at the hospital, there are ways you could bring across the background to that situation without literally walking us through it beforehand.
Good luck!
I'm interested to see what will happen next just based on the "Let's call it" line, but if you have a clear idea of the plot from here on out, you should focus on drawing out the action *before* the car crash. You can use it to flesh out Kygo's character, his thought processes, make us as the readers have a stake in what happens to him beyond simple dramatic action. I care that he was in a car wreck, but that's because I don't want people to be in car wrecks and he is obviously the main character. What about his life is it that really draws us to him before the crash happens? Is this class particularly crucial? Is he preoccupied with something else that seems far more important?
And if none of that is important, why do we even see the car crash at all? It might be even more dramatically effective to start him off in the hospital. Maybe have consciousness and memory fade back to him slowly? He's obviously confused about his situation, you could really run with that instead of giving us the context of everything in the previous couple paragraphs. If what's important is his situation at the hospital, there are ways you could bring across the background to that situation without literally walking us through it beforehand.
Good luck!
You say this is for a class? Well toonces said mostly anything I could say. I remember from the writing you did for me that you have the potential to be a good writer, you just need some refinement and practice. That is the best advice I can give you. Get a notebook, think up an idea for a long story, and just try to keep it going. I built up my skill with over a year of writing a single story almost non-stop. It was awesome to get all the ideas on paper and I learned that my handwriting sucks XD But all joking aside, I think that letting my mind just wander until a story just flowed onto the paper was just as good as taking a course on writing. A starting idea like this is a good start and I really want to see more of your writing. :D Good luck and all that good stuff :P
aw man, i wanted to be the one to give the crucial constructive criticism XD
you could slow down a bit, like Toonces said, draw it out a bit. like, you could write a list of said things he did in a hurry, i.e.: He brushed his teeth, got his jacket, searched for his keys, combed his hair, etc. build on the brushing teeth and jacket in his arms phrase.
also, the sudden jump from getting ready to suddenly being in the car might throw the reader off a bit. i did a double-take at "Kygo looked at the clock on the radio in his car"
i was like "wait, car raido? he's in his car now? oh okay". might be a good idea to write out him dashing to the car and getting in. might also be a good idea to give a brief (and i mean BRIEF) description of the car. say it was beat up and ailing, it could brace the reader a little better for the sudden explosion.
i like how you played out the third paragraph :] peicing things together as if the character's thinking helps the reader understand and know the character a little better.
my god this is late XDD i wanna see this finished man, i'm curious about how you do diolouge ;] you show potential for being a newbie, you started off a LOT better than me XD
you could slow down a bit, like Toonces said, draw it out a bit. like, you could write a list of said things he did in a hurry, i.e.: He brushed his teeth, got his jacket, searched for his keys, combed his hair, etc. build on the brushing teeth and jacket in his arms phrase.
also, the sudden jump from getting ready to suddenly being in the car might throw the reader off a bit. i did a double-take at "Kygo looked at the clock on the radio in his car"
i was like "wait, car raido? he's in his car now? oh okay". might be a good idea to write out him dashing to the car and getting in. might also be a good idea to give a brief (and i mean BRIEF) description of the car. say it was beat up and ailing, it could brace the reader a little better for the sudden explosion.
i like how you played out the third paragraph :] peicing things together as if the character's thinking helps the reader understand and know the character a little better.
my god this is late XDD i wanna see this finished man, i'm curious about how you do diolouge ;] you show potential for being a newbie, you started off a LOT better than me XD
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