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Something I came up with last night, and finished working on this morning. I'm not entirely sure if I feel it's finished, but I don't know what more to add right now.
I love your feedback, and would greatly appreciate some criticism or opinions on this.
I love your feedback, and would greatly appreciate some criticism or opinions on this.
Category Poetry / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 1.4 kB
Taking the title from Mark 10:8/Gen 2:24? You've portrayed this concept literally, in graphic detail. It places a darker perspective on the context of two individuals leaving their families to create their own, as though the act is irreversible and life altering - which it is in certain cases. I'd be interested to hear what promoted this idea in your mind.
Structurally, the poem suffers a few rhythmic flaws. I am a stickler for consistency in poetry, so bear with me. You begin strongly with a 10 syllable line, alternating de-stressed followed by stressed in 5 pairs. As the poem goes on, that rhythm loses syllables (7:2), or contains an awkward flow caused by word choice ("injurious" 5:3).
Beyond that, this is quite disturbing and thought provoking.
Structurally, the poem suffers a few rhythmic flaws. I am a stickler for consistency in poetry, so bear with me. You begin strongly with a 10 syllable line, alternating de-stressed followed by stressed in 5 pairs. As the poem goes on, that rhythm loses syllables (7:2), or contains an awkward flow caused by word choice ("injurious" 5:3).
Beyond that, this is quite disturbing and thought provoking.
7:2 Was an error on my part. I must have missed it during my proofread. I've corrected that.
5:3 Was also an error. I've fixed that as well. Thank you kindly for noticing the mistakes I did not.
To address the actual commentary, yes, those bible verses were the inspiration for the title. The idea came from a line that was cycling through my head while I was at work that day. It was roughly "The strings of hearts entwine as one," and this line became the basis for 6:4. I had it's predecessor posted on the screen while I worked to a point where it would fit into the piece. It did take some modifying, but it's there in a form.
5:3 Was also an error. I've fixed that as well. Thank you kindly for noticing the mistakes I did not.
To address the actual commentary, yes, those bible verses were the inspiration for the title. The idea came from a line that was cycling through my head while I was at work that day. It was roughly "The strings of hearts entwine as one," and this line became the basis for 6:4. I had it's predecessor posted on the screen while I worked to a point where it would fit into the piece. It did take some modifying, but it's there in a form.
Nicely altered. The flow has been made smooth and continuous to the end. I think that is partly why I find such gruesome subject matter unsettling. The violence, blood, surgery and radical emotions are all contained within a very readable structure, making those thoughts and images slide all the more easily into the mind... Kind of like a very sharp knife.
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