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More from Blackwater
IT IS FINALLY DONE
Finally the first chapter. Thanks to the awesomely ameko-shadowsong for correcting my mistakes. She helped me really. I used many of her suggestions. When there are still mistakes in the text, than I'm sure because I screwed something up again.
It is long, I know and I really didn't ecpect that. Please read it and comment.
And look also at the teaser comic page, because this scene is in this chapter: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1057813/
And I decided to only take one betareader. More than one will make my head spin. It's too much work and I am really fond of my beta reader now. XD
So, please enjoy.
But don't expect the next chapter soon.
Story, Leo © me (Yedaji "Ses" Nikopol)
S'ren ©
sookie and is used with permission!
Finally the first chapter. Thanks to the awesomely ameko-shadowsong for correcting my mistakes. She helped me really. I used many of her suggestions. When there are still mistakes in the text, than I'm sure because I screwed something up again.
It is long, I know and I really didn't ecpect that. Please read it and comment.
And look also at the teaser comic page, because this scene is in this chapter: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1057813/
And I decided to only take one betareader. More than one will make my head spin. It's too much work and I am really fond of my beta reader now. XD
So, please enjoy.
But don't expect the next chapter soon.
Story, Leo © me (Yedaji "Ses" Nikopol)
S'ren ©
sookie and is used with permission!
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 53.5 kB
Wow, I must say, very good story. And well written. Very believable, convincing, and just really sort of grabs you. I haven't ready any stories for quite a while, so it was nice to return to them with a fresh, new, well-written one. ^^ I'm very much looking forward to the next :)
Hi, I'm catching up on reading from... 3 months ago, apparently.
So, this caught my attention. You build the scene well, and you also especially build intrigue, both as to what Leo is searching for and what his condition is. For what it's worth, I would continue reading this.
The writing itself needs a bit of work, and for a few reasons. The interactions between characters are a little choppy, that first scene with Leo and Aislynn especially. I don't get a good feel for the relationships between anyone, having to rely on the narration to fill in the gaps for me.
The narration itself was a bit on the shaky side, as well. There's one spot where a sentence repeats entirely what the sentence before it had said. I think there's a pacing issue here as well; if it were up to me, I'd have separated this into two chapters, adding in more conversation and building up that relationship. I'd have liked to see the lynx character a bit more mysterious and enigmatic, rather than just giving Leo the information he needs and sending him off. One other reason for breaking it there is you cover three days in a few paragraphs; a time jump like that is better handled as 'downtime' between sections, if you ask me. Plus, it would give you more room to build the setting (not sure if this is modern, medieval fantasy, high fantasy, etc.) in the first section, and Leo and S'ren's interaction in the second. I didn't get a good feel for her, and a lot of their reactions to one another seemed contradictory. He went all that way to find her, he was in such a hurry, and then he just walks away?
Still, like I said, this is a good setup and I'd like to see more. Is there more? O.o
So, this caught my attention. You build the scene well, and you also especially build intrigue, both as to what Leo is searching for and what his condition is. For what it's worth, I would continue reading this.
The writing itself needs a bit of work, and for a few reasons. The interactions between characters are a little choppy, that first scene with Leo and Aislynn especially. I don't get a good feel for the relationships between anyone, having to rely on the narration to fill in the gaps for me.
The narration itself was a bit on the shaky side, as well. There's one spot where a sentence repeats entirely what the sentence before it had said. I think there's a pacing issue here as well; if it were up to me, I'd have separated this into two chapters, adding in more conversation and building up that relationship. I'd have liked to see the lynx character a bit more mysterious and enigmatic, rather than just giving Leo the information he needs and sending him off. One other reason for breaking it there is you cover three days in a few paragraphs; a time jump like that is better handled as 'downtime' between sections, if you ask me. Plus, it would give you more room to build the setting (not sure if this is modern, medieval fantasy, high fantasy, etc.) in the first section, and Leo and S'ren's interaction in the second. I didn't get a good feel for her, and a lot of their reactions to one another seemed contradictory. He went all that way to find her, he was in such a hurry, and then he just walks away?
Still, like I said, this is a good setup and I'd like to see more. Is there more? O.o
Heh ok I'm gonna give feedback to something that was posted 4 months ago...I need to catch up here!
Well i have to agree with TakeWalker on that I don't get the feel of how the characters relationships are. I'll also agree on that the lymx could have been more mysterious and if possible a bit less helping? In my own thought it might be a bit spared on detail. You could have spent more time on how everything looked like to give a better illustration of the settings.
Still I like how it builds up and the intrigues. I'd like to read more.
Well i have to agree with TakeWalker on that I don't get the feel of how the characters relationships are. I'll also agree on that the lymx could have been more mysterious and if possible a bit less helping? In my own thought it might be a bit spared on detail. You could have spent more time on how everything looked like to give a better illustration of the settings.
Still I like how it builds up and the intrigues. I'd like to read more.
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