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WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS INFLATION AND EVIL ENCHANTRESSES (THAT DO NOT DO EVIL DANCESES)
Well, this is it. The first chapter. Just note that:
A.) It seems a bit longer than it actually is, cause of the way I format dialogue,
B.) This is the first part of what is supposed to be an EPIC story, so the other chapters from here on out will cut to the chase far quicker than this one
C.) Applejack is best pone. I mean, COME ON. LOOK AT THIS PONE.
Thumbnail by the ever-wonderful
noctulov
Well, this is it. The first chapter. Just note that:
A.) It seems a bit longer than it actually is, cause of the way I format dialogue,
B.) This is the first part of what is supposed to be an EPIC story, so the other chapters from here on out will cut to the chase far quicker than this one
C.) Applejack is best pone. I mean, COME ON. LOOK AT THIS PONE.
Thumbnail by the ever-wonderful
noctulov
Category Story / Inflation
Species Horse
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 114 kB
Listed in Folders
I do like this story quite a bit. You really captured the cartoon essence of the show with these antics. You also did a great job on keeping the cast in-character.
One thing does bother me though: that smithy. I mean is he really so immature that he thinks a curse justifies a rant and a crushed saddlebag? It's like you tried to justify his actions, but it really comes off as childish for someone who's elderly. I hope he at least gets his share of karma too.
Heck, that could be the lesson both him and AJ learn: to take people's words in stride. Granted, AJ went through quite a few jokes, but she was already peeved at the beginning. Her poor temperament clearly shows, which I think you did a great job of showing. AJ does have a bit of a temper issue. Probably not as bad as Dash, but still.
Of course her friends also learn to respect a person's wishes when they ask them to stop. Sometimes "can't-you-take-a-joke" can come off as a really rude excuse.
There's my two cents for ya. I read and skimmed Chapter 2, so I might have to reread it before I give comments on that. It's a great story so far what with all the cartoon slapstick and with most of the characters being how they usually act.
One thing does bother me though: that smithy. I mean is he really so immature that he thinks a curse justifies a rant and a crushed saddlebag? It's like you tried to justify his actions, but it really comes off as childish for someone who's elderly. I hope he at least gets his share of karma too.
Heck, that could be the lesson both him and AJ learn: to take people's words in stride. Granted, AJ went through quite a few jokes, but she was already peeved at the beginning. Her poor temperament clearly shows, which I think you did a great job of showing. AJ does have a bit of a temper issue. Probably not as bad as Dash, but still.
Of course her friends also learn to respect a person's wishes when they ask them to stop. Sometimes "can't-you-take-a-joke" can come off as a really rude excuse.
There's my two cents for ya. I read and skimmed Chapter 2, so I might have to reread it before I give comments on that. It's a great story so far what with all the cartoon slapstick and with most of the characters being how they usually act.
Well, you hit the nail somewhat on the head. The old pony is kind of the villain here, and I'm not going to try to justify what she did, because she ultimately did overreact, and the far-reaching, dire, and destructive consequences of her curse are not really apparent until the 3rd chapter, which I'm writing right now. So, yes, without spoiling too much, by the end of the story, lessons are learned and karma is decisively dealt.
Also, the old pony was a mare, not a stallion, and she was just another patron standing in line behind Applejack, not Geronimo himself. If I didn't make that clear, I'll fix it in my next revision, thanks for pointing it out.
Also, the old pony was a mare, not a stallion, and she was just another patron standing in line behind Applejack, not Geronimo himself. If I didn't make that clear, I'll fix it in my next revision, thanks for pointing it out.
Sorry if I overreacted. I'm not saying the antagonist was bad. I was just off-put by that is all. I see that often in many stories where it's poorly handled, but, considering how well this is written, I do want to read more. I might have mostly reacted on relax.
In a way though, that also shows how good your story is. You make the antagonist a good enough of a jerk that makes the others hope she'll win.
Also, I think the gender mistake may have been more of an error on my part than yours. It was rather late last night, so I may have did more skimming than reading.
In any case, keep up the good work! If I ever come up with a better title, then I'll be sure to let you know.
In a way though, that also shows how good your story is. You make the antagonist a good enough of a jerk that makes the others hope she'll win.
Also, I think the gender mistake may have been more of an error on my part than yours. It was rather late last night, so I may have did more skimming than reading.
In any case, keep up the good work! If I ever come up with a better title, then I'll be sure to let you know.
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