Dear L,

Hello L. My name is Amanda and I have a small problem on my tail. You see, I have this friend who I have been with for a while now. We were close...well, more than close. We used to go out together and share the same bed together as well. But even that is not the "best part". He has a girlfriend. So basically, he is seeing me while being with her. His girlfriend and I know about each other, but his girlfriend is forgiving and trusts his judgment. ( His girlfriend is very nice and he is very VERY lucky to have someone like her…I feel envious that he has her… )We never went to "third base", but our feelings for each other are very tender...Now, after hearing that they are going to get married next year, my feelings for him have changed and now, whenever I see him, I feel hurt whenever I gaze eyes on him.

We are both honest, but I feel that he is not as honest as me. We cant stop seeing each other because we treat each other in a certain way that makes our connection fragile and sweet, "something that his girlfriend does not really give him", so he says to me. I myself recently had a break up with my ex boyfriend, and he was there to support me when I was down. That made me feel closer to him and I held onto him for that, even if he was already taken. We had dinner together, went out together, even spent nights alone with each other in "romantic" situations. But the more we did that, the more I felt it was wrong due to his girlfriend. Like I said before, she knows about me and him together and she trusts him not to go all the way with me ( which he never did ). But now, they are engage to be married and he still wants to have me as a friend. I felt more uncomfortable around him and his girlfriend because of the stronger bond they have towards each other and I just feel like I should push myself away from him and their situation together...

It came to a point where we would fight more and more on the phone and in person. We are both very fragile furs with tender emotions and we know that we can hurt each other easily. In some ways, we are both stubborn, but I feel he is more stubborn than me. The more we fight, the less he hears my side of the story and how I feel. It came to a point where we just stopped seeing each other all together, even reframed from calling one another. I just needed a break from him, but he didn't want me to do that...

After a few months, we saw each other once again and hung out. I invited his girlfriend and him to my house for dinner and a movie. I felt very uncomfortable about that because I felt worse having them BOTH together in my room, but still, I made them dinner and we watched a movie even if I was uneasy around them. The thing that really lifted my ears is that when they were about to leave, he secretly clung to my hand and cressed it before leaving. From that, I knew he still had tender feelings for me, feelings which I don’t want coming from him...

After THAT, we stopped talking until I saw him at work. I told him that my break was soon and we should have some lunch together. I wanted to tell him that I did not want to be his friend anymore, that I don’t want to get involved in his life anymore. I want to tell him how hurt, jealous and sad I was because of what he has and how he has been treating me and how I was treating him. But he is stubborn sometimes and doesn't listen to me. That will make it difficult to get my feelings across to him.

L, here is my question: How can I get my message across to him and get him to understand how I think and feel towards him and our friendship? How can I tell him that I don’t want to be his friend anymore, even though it will hurt me to say that to someone I grew close to but yet feel uneasy around as well? How can I get through to him without him mouthing off at me? This is a very hard situation for me because I hate breaking up with friends...but I cant continue to feel like this when I see or be around him...

Please Dear L, what can I do and HOW can I do it...?

- Amanda

How should I tell him © 2008 Alex Cockburn