all by my self,cuz i dont wanna drag you down,hold you down,cuz your a freind
i blame myself,i geuss you think its funny now,funny now
(just a day by feeder,if used anything else id prolly be crying right now)

violent mood swings by spineshank would honestly be a better title
this hit me in the course of an hour,though i suppose alot of this has been coming since jersey,some of it longer than that,and im on the verge of tears,
i hate my masculinity,but im scared of it leaveing me completely
i get scared when everyone is so freindly to me,because im not used to it
someone very close to me managed to injure me quite badly
some of it may have been for my own good , some of it he had no buisness doing to me
someone admitted to doing coke to me,and didt get why i was so upset
he said he wouldnt do it again,but lied to his father about smokeing a day later,it may be just childish, but i no longer feel i can trust someone
i concider closer than family,and i feel myself drifting away from the pepole who raised me to the point im at now,and it brings me to tears
(oh, look theres one now,fuck)
i concider myself agendered,well mentaly at least,and i dont think pepole fully grasp what that means.It means i dont concider myself male or female,and i dont like being bound to either category.I'm just a soul
and this is just my body,as much as i might want intamacy,i dont need it right now, i need freinds, i need to joke,and to smile,i need to hold intellegent conversation,and discuss the things that i enjoy disscussing
but,it seems no matter where i go,money and carnality seem to ensue
there are some of you out there who id like to be freinds with,but i cant help but feel like id be intrudeing somehow,im not a stalker and im not interesested in anyone sexually right now,but i want you as freinds,and as silly/witty as i may seem,im insanely awkward sometimes
i could go on but this is egnough bullshit for the time being, im feeling a bit better
anyway let me explain things here a bit
white letters are the things ive heard lately that have been bothering me
everything else is just thoughts,bothers and worries
and the black,well thats my little gothy emo bullshit ive had for ages
when i am feeling wounded, i find a quiet dark place and just say there for a few hours thinking,reveiwing and analizeing my troubles and pain
till they either hurt worse or turn into a series of smaller adjustable problems,while doing this i tend to go somewhat catatonic and comatose
for me, this is stareing into the void till it stares back,ha ha
anyway last thing if you read this be careful what you say to me please
im not fishing for sympathy right now,im just trying to ease myself in a rather selfish manner,comment about the art all you want however,and please dont be mad at me for this, i cant help myself at the moment