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THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT FURRIES
Category All / All
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File Size 85.9 kB
001:
"A Pail of Air" -- Short story titles are put in quotation marks, and the first word should be capitalized, even when the title appears in the middle of a sentence.
science fiction short story -- not proper nouns, so all lower case. Also, it feels repetitive to have the title of the story twice in a row; it's not wrong, just my suggestion to skip the title and start the next line as: A science fiction short story...
A massive asteroid passed close by Earth; so great was its gravitational pull that it dragged the (our?) planet from its orbit around the Sun. Without sunlight, photosynthesis stopped, and mass panic ensued--the apocalypse had come. -- I tried to keep your own words as much as I could while rephrasing it to be less awkward.
Now, years later, temperatures have dropped below -200°C (-328°F). Most parts of the world have become -- Or alternately:
Within a few years, temperatures dropped below ... Most parts of the world had become
At these temperatures oxygen liquifies, forcing survivors to collect it in pails to heat it in order to breathe.
A large quake caused by the Dark Sun incident (encounter?) -- Or, if you mention a quake the first time the asteroid was mentioned, you could say "The quake." Otherwise it implies a quake the reader should know about already.
Without an ionosphere, radio or other wireless communication methods are impossible. ... communities with no means of contact with remote areas, striving to survive.
"A Pail of Air" -- Short story titles are put in quotation marks, and the first word should be capitalized, even when the title appears in the middle of a sentence.
science fiction short story -- not proper nouns, so all lower case. Also, it feels repetitive to have the title of the story twice in a row; it's not wrong, just my suggestion to skip the title and start the next line as: A science fiction short story...
A massive asteroid passed close by Earth; so great was its gravitational pull that it dragged the (our?) planet from its orbit around the Sun. Without sunlight, photosynthesis stopped, and mass panic ensued--the apocalypse had come. -- I tried to keep your own words as much as I could while rephrasing it to be less awkward.
Now, years later, temperatures have dropped below -200°C (-328°F). Most parts of the world have become -- Or alternately:
Within a few years, temperatures dropped below ... Most parts of the world had become
At these temperatures oxygen liquifies, forcing survivors to collect it in pails to heat it in order to breathe.
A large quake caused by the Dark Sun incident (encounter?) -- Or, if you mention a quake the first time the asteroid was mentioned, you could say "The quake." Otherwise it implies a quake the reader should know about already.
Without an ionosphere, radio or other wireless communication methods are impossible. ... communities with no means of contact with remote areas, striving to survive.
02:
Question: Is "the Fortunates" an official name for Austin survivors, like a club or a gang? Or is it just a slang term? I'm not sure if it should be considered a proper noun or not.
is a survivors' group -- The verb refers to "group," and is therefore singular. Also, since it's more than one survivor, the apostrophe comes after the s.
not as fortunate as others in places -- "their others" doesn't make sense. Did you means something like "their compatriots?"
rely on salvaged materials -- The break in "materials" is correct, it just looks odd to be the only wordbreak, especially when there seems to be room for the whole word.
Survivors of the Dark Sun modify motorcycle helmets to make them nearly airtight
liquid oxygen, iron powder, and -- Commas!
keffiyah -- "Scarf" might be a more widely recognized word. Up to you though.
Fitted gloves are generally made from a rubberized material to prevent heat loss while still preserving dexterity.
rain boots, as any contact with liquified air can cause severe frostbite
It isn't uncommon to glue the boots to the pants or to glue the boots and pants together
Question: Is "the Fortunates" an official name for Austin survivors, like a club or a gang? Or is it just a slang term? I'm not sure if it should be considered a proper noun or not.
is a survivors' group -- The verb refers to "group," and is therefore singular. Also, since it's more than one survivor, the apostrophe comes after the s.
not as fortunate as others in places -- "their others" doesn't make sense. Did you means something like "their compatriots?"
rely on salvaged materials -- The break in "materials" is correct, it just looks odd to be the only wordbreak, especially when there seems to be room for the whole word.
Survivors of the Dark Sun modify motorcycle helmets to make them nearly airtight
liquid oxygen, iron powder, and -- Commas!
keffiyah -- "Scarf" might be a more widely recognized word. Up to you though.
Fitted gloves are generally made from a rubberized material to prevent heat loss while still preserving dexterity.
rain boots, as any contact with liquified air can cause severe frostbite
It isn't uncommon to glue the boots to the pants or to glue the boots and pants together
03:
Picking up from my question in the last submission, looks like the Fortunates is considered a proper noun here. Either way, it needs to be capitalized (or not) consistently.
They call themselves the Fortunate or They call themselves fortunate
since they were among the very few who had survived, and the resources in their city were abundant enough to share amongst themselves. As the Chinese saying goes, they were "the fortune in misfortune."
exposed in this case. The tube is -- Needed to use either a period or a semicolon between these phrases, not a comma.
non-functional now. She keeps it -- Same as above. Also non is a prefix and needs to be connected to another word (hence the hyphen).
Picking up from my question in the last submission, looks like the Fortunates is considered a proper noun here. Either way, it needs to be capitalized (or not) consistently.
They call themselves the Fortunate or They call themselves fortunate
since they were among the very few who had survived, and the resources in their city were abundant enough to share amongst themselves. As the Chinese saying goes, they were "the fortune in misfortune."
exposed in this case. The tube is -- Needed to use either a period or a semicolon between these phrases, not a comma.
non-functional now. She keeps it -- Same as above. Also non is a prefix and needs to be connected to another word (hence the hyphen).
04:
Modified from hydration packs -- Typo in "from," and I don't think "hydro bag" is a common term. You're talking about things like CamelBaks, right?
modified by the Fortunate -- Caps or not on "Fortunate?" Needs to be consistent.
This part goes through a belt loop -- It's not my belt loop!
Modified from hydration packs -- Typo in "from," and I don't think "hydro bag" is a common term. You're talking about things like CamelBaks, right?
modified by the Fortunate -- Caps or not on "Fortunate?" Needs to be consistent.
This part goes through a belt loop -- It's not my belt loop!
05:
I'm not sure what to make of the first sentence. The first graphic said there was a quake from the Dark Sun incident; was that the same quake being referenced here, or was there another?
Most of the structures were reduced to rubble and were never rebuilt. -- "Structures" means all the buildings and such; you could also say "Most of the city" or "Most of the city's infrastructure" if you prefer. "Rubble" is a mass noun. Tense correction for the lack of rebuilding.
The water of the Colorado River has long since frozen. Liquified air now flows in its place. -- Nothing really wrong with the original phrasing, it just felt a little stilted.
Frost and dew start to form everywhere from the liquified air, heavy enough in places to look like snow from a distance. -- Same as above.
The look of the sky is purely an aesthetic design choice. It's unlikely the Milky Way would be this bright, even without clouds. In reality, the Milky Way would contribute about 1/300 the light of the full moon. There's enough light to see at least, but it's certainly not as bright as shown.
I'm not sure what to make of the first sentence. The first graphic said there was a quake from the Dark Sun incident; was that the same quake being referenced here, or was there another?
Most of the structures were reduced to rubble and were never rebuilt. -- "Structures" means all the buildings and such; you could also say "Most of the city" or "Most of the city's infrastructure" if you prefer. "Rubble" is a mass noun. Tense correction for the lack of rebuilding.
The water of the Colorado River has long since frozen. Liquified air now flows in its place. -- Nothing really wrong with the original phrasing, it just felt a little stilted.
Frost and dew start to form everywhere from the liquified air, heavy enough in places to look like snow from a distance. -- Same as above.
The look of the sky is purely an aesthetic design choice. It's unlikely the Milky Way would be this bright, even without clouds. In reality, the Milky Way would contribute about 1/300 the light of the full moon. There's enough light to see at least, but it's certainly not as bright as shown.
So it's nothing specific to Austin--the quake was worldwide and included Austin in its destruction, right? The sentence in question sounds like it's about disaster that's specific and unique to Austin as it's currently phrased. Perhaps something like this:
The destructive global quake caused by the Dark Sun did not spare Austin.
Or:
Austin was no exception to the devastation caused by the Dark Sun's quake.
Or something.
The destructive global quake caused by the Dark Sun did not spare Austin.
Or:
Austin was no exception to the devastation caused by the Dark Sun's quake.
Or something.
I'm just going to go ahead and write out the revised version with the pitiful formatting tools available here, and with provided reasoning where necessary. Note that actual editing (and thus, publication) rules differ from country to country, publisher to publisher, and so while the finished product will be grammatically accurate, the 'style' of it will remain rather subjective; for all intents and purposes, however, it will be suitable for you desires.
01. A science-fiction short story by Fritz Leiber. Visualized by Kaiwei Tsao.
(Repeating the title is unnecessary and redundant, especially thrice in a row. In regards to urocyon's note, the title's name does not need to be contained within quotation marks when it is a graphical display - only in text.)
The World of "A Pail of Air"
(Stylistics really; I generally work with AP-style standards, but it really is debatable; the same can be said of hyphens. Really, anything title or subtitle-wise is at the discretion of the author and editor of the piece; I simply think this looks nice.)
An asteroid flew by the Earth so large that its gravitational force was equal that of the Sun's. The planet was pried from its home star; photosynthesis ceased, mass panic ensued - the apocalypse had arrived. The asteroid would later be known as the "Dark Sun."
(I believe it is an editor's job not to dramatically alter the writer's voice in the piece; it could be better, but it is not my work. :P Again, another subject up for debate.)
A quake after the Dark Sun incident had destroyed most of the human population and infrastructure. Radio and any other wireless tools were rendered useless, the planet's ionosphere destroyed. Survivors keep to small pockets of communities, living day-to-day, unable to contact others.
Years later, the temperature has dropped to below 200 °C. Most parts of the world have become nothing more than darkness and bitter, cold air. With the atmosphere so cold, oxygen begins to liquefy, and those remaining alive are forced to dig up pails of liquid air, heating it up to breathe.
(I flipped the last two paragraphs around because it seems to be a chronological intro and having the quake come after the 'years later' but be a retelling appears awkward. Fact check, per urocyon: I realize you are basing this of a novel, in which case if the number of 200 Celsius is canon, keep it.)
02. THE FORTUNATES OF AUSTIN
(If the rest of the title is uppercase [stylistic choice] keep the preposition [of] as such.)
The Fortunates is a survivors' group located in Austin. Contrary to the name, they are not as fortunate as those in Los Alamos and Yellowstone. Without the aid of advanced technology or natural resources, they remain in the city and rely on what salvaged material can be found.
Aligned under the Dark Sun, they wear modified motorcycle helmets that are nearly airtight. A breathing tube is attached to the helmet, which leads to a satchel containing liquid oxygen, iron powder, and activated carbon.
(Merged third paragraph with first due to redundancy.)
The tube of the breathing apparatus is hidden under the keffiyah and connected to an air bag in the trench coat.
The gloves are generally made with well-fitted rubberized material to trap warmth while preserving dexterity.
The boots are water-resistant, as any contact with the liquefied air can cause frostbite. It isn't uncommon for Fortunates to glue their boots and pants together.
(Boot, rain boots is redundant and this is the only way I could think of to fix it. Also, I don't think you really meant rain boots as they aren't exactly watertight or protective.)
01. A science-fiction short story by Fritz Leiber. Visualized by Kaiwei Tsao.
(Repeating the title is unnecessary and redundant, especially thrice in a row. In regards to urocyon's note, the title's name does not need to be contained within quotation marks when it is a graphical display - only in text.)
The World of "A Pail of Air"
(Stylistics really; I generally work with AP-style standards, but it really is debatable; the same can be said of hyphens. Really, anything title or subtitle-wise is at the discretion of the author and editor of the piece; I simply think this looks nice.)
An asteroid flew by the Earth so large that its gravitational force was equal that of the Sun's. The planet was pried from its home star; photosynthesis ceased, mass panic ensued - the apocalypse had arrived. The asteroid would later be known as the "Dark Sun."
(I believe it is an editor's job not to dramatically alter the writer's voice in the piece; it could be better, but it is not my work. :P Again, another subject up for debate.)
A quake after the Dark Sun incident had destroyed most of the human population and infrastructure. Radio and any other wireless tools were rendered useless, the planet's ionosphere destroyed. Survivors keep to small pockets of communities, living day-to-day, unable to contact others.
Years later, the temperature has dropped to below 200 °C. Most parts of the world have become nothing more than darkness and bitter, cold air. With the atmosphere so cold, oxygen begins to liquefy, and those remaining alive are forced to dig up pails of liquid air, heating it up to breathe.
(I flipped the last two paragraphs around because it seems to be a chronological intro and having the quake come after the 'years later' but be a retelling appears awkward. Fact check, per urocyon: I realize you are basing this of a novel, in which case if the number of 200 Celsius is canon, keep it.)
02. THE FORTUNATES OF AUSTIN
(If the rest of the title is uppercase [stylistic choice] keep the preposition [of] as such.)
The Fortunates is a survivors' group located in Austin. Contrary to the name, they are not as fortunate as those in Los Alamos and Yellowstone. Without the aid of advanced technology or natural resources, they remain in the city and rely on what salvaged material can be found.
Aligned under the Dark Sun, they wear modified motorcycle helmets that are nearly airtight. A breathing tube is attached to the helmet, which leads to a satchel containing liquid oxygen, iron powder, and activated carbon.
(Merged third paragraph with first due to redundancy.)
The tube of the breathing apparatus is hidden under the keffiyah and connected to an air bag in the trench coat.
The gloves are generally made with well-fitted rubberized material to trap warmth while preserving dexterity.
The boots are water-resistant, as any contact with the liquefied air can cause frostbite. It isn't uncommon for Fortunates to glue their boots and pants together.
(Boot, rain boots is redundant and this is the only way I could think of to fix it. Also, I don't think you really meant rain boots as they aren't exactly watertight or protective.)
03. THE FORTUNATES OF AUSTIN
The group's name originates from the small amount of survivors and the relative abundance or resources. They are peaceful and many do not carry weapons.
(Removed continuation clause for redundancy (title of the page states so). Removed Chinese proverb because it broke flow and the author's voice disrupted the piece. I understand you are Chinese so you most likely want to keep it, and there may be a way of working it in so that it doesn't disturb the surrounding information, but the easier option is to delete it.)
This is actually a plastic bag; it seals off air better than a normal scarf.
The tube of the breathing apparatus is exposed here, bound to the bag suspension with rubber bands.
These are sensor keys. Once commonly seen in apartments, they are now nonfunctional, with this Fortunate keeping them as mementos.
04. THE FORTUNATE'S MAKESHIFT AIR BAG
Modified from hydration packs, they are essential to survival. Scavenged and modified by The Fortunate of Austin, these bags are filled with liquefied oxygen, along with iron powder and activated carbon for heating.
(Thanks urocyon, you saved Google time on the hydro bag thing.)
Normally worn under a trench coat or hoodie.
This part goes through a belt loop.
Duct-taped.
Filled with iron powder and activated carbon for heating.
See-through material to check remaining liquid oxygen.
05. THE CITY OF AUSTIN
While the Dark Sun was difficult enough to endure, the city of Austin suffered a massive earthquake as well. Most of the structures are nothing but rubble now, with no effort to rebuild them. Those that survive here live out their lives with scavenged materials and preserved foods.
(The word 'scavenged' is becoming redundant; the reader already knows this.)
The water running through the Colorado River has turned to ice. Liquefied air now occupies its current.
Everything is wet with the frost and dew of the air. At distance, it looks like snow.
(Milky Way portion omitted due to break in voice/fourth wall. See urocyon's note if you plan to retain it).
06. THE FORTUNATES' SAFEHOUSE
Home is where you can sleep without dying. This is where some survivors call home. They hang a pail of liquid air above the fire so that it can evaporate and become precious, breathable oxygen.
(Omitted 'In the original short story[...]' for same reason as Milky Way portion; if you wish to keep it, here is the revised version. In the original short story the room is sealed, but I figured the survivors would die from carbon monoxide poisoning and so gave them windows.)
This room is modified from an apartment that hadn't completely collapsed. Even this TV set survived, although even static isn't produced by it now.
(Removed final clause due to voice breaking.)
This is the only place where people can take off their helmets and talk face-to-face, rather than relying on gestures.
The group's name originates from the small amount of survivors and the relative abundance or resources. They are peaceful and many do not carry weapons.
(Removed continuation clause for redundancy (title of the page states so). Removed Chinese proverb because it broke flow and the author's voice disrupted the piece. I understand you are Chinese so you most likely want to keep it, and there may be a way of working it in so that it doesn't disturb the surrounding information, but the easier option is to delete it.)
This is actually a plastic bag; it seals off air better than a normal scarf.
The tube of the breathing apparatus is exposed here, bound to the bag suspension with rubber bands.
These are sensor keys. Once commonly seen in apartments, they are now nonfunctional, with this Fortunate keeping them as mementos.
04. THE FORTUNATE'S MAKESHIFT AIR BAG
Modified from hydration packs, they are essential to survival. Scavenged and modified by The Fortunate of Austin, these bags are filled with liquefied oxygen, along with iron powder and activated carbon for heating.
(Thanks urocyon, you saved Google time on the hydro bag thing.)
Normally worn under a trench coat or hoodie.
This part goes through a belt loop.
Duct-taped.
Filled with iron powder and activated carbon for heating.
See-through material to check remaining liquid oxygen.
05. THE CITY OF AUSTIN
While the Dark Sun was difficult enough to endure, the city of Austin suffered a massive earthquake as well. Most of the structures are nothing but rubble now, with no effort to rebuild them. Those that survive here live out their lives with scavenged materials and preserved foods.
(The word 'scavenged' is becoming redundant; the reader already knows this.)
The water running through the Colorado River has turned to ice. Liquefied air now occupies its current.
Everything is wet with the frost and dew of the air. At distance, it looks like snow.
(Milky Way portion omitted due to break in voice/fourth wall. See urocyon's note if you plan to retain it).
06. THE FORTUNATES' SAFEHOUSE
Home is where you can sleep without dying. This is where some survivors call home. They hang a pail of liquid air above the fire so that it can evaporate and become precious, breathable oxygen.
(Omitted 'In the original short story[...]' for same reason as Milky Way portion; if you wish to keep it, here is the revised version. In the original short story the room is sealed, but I figured the survivors would die from carbon monoxide poisoning and so gave them windows.)
This room is modified from an apartment that hadn't completely collapsed. Even this TV set survived, although even static isn't produced by it now.
(Removed final clause due to voice breaking.)
This is the only place where people can take off their helmets and talk face-to-face, rather than relying on gestures.
07. THE FORTUNATES' SAFEHOUSE SKETCHES
(I wish all editing was this easy. :D)
08. nuclear power and advanced technology
(No period).
THE PIONEERS OF LOS ALAMOS
The Pioneers of Los Alamos is a group of scientists who, after the Dark Sun incident, dedicated their lives to preserving what remained of human society. They are not fighters, but possess the courage to venture through the bitter cold landscape in search of what ever may or may not be there.
(Deleted last sentence - redundant.)
The suits of the Pioneers are made of several layers of material, including faux fur for warmth.
These gaiters prevent any rocks or stones from entering the boots.
This is the insertion point of the Scheba Breathing Apparatus. The removable design made easy maintenance possible. The insertion point is designed not to leak air in or out.
09. CITY OF LOS ALAMOS
One of the safe havens created by humanity's technological evolution, the facility of Los Alamos uses nuclear power to create heat and light.
Unlike the Great Sanctum, the buildings on the "wings" were built after the Dark Sun incident, as the Sanctum is not large enough to house everyone.
This is the Great Sanctum, an arcology designed to carry mankind through the apocalypse. Prior to the Dark Sun incident the plan to build the Great Sanctum was a controversial one. While some scientists foresaw Earth's possible devastation, others believed it was a waste of money - yet another government-funded privilege for the rich.
10. LOS ALAMOS SKETCHES
The design of the Great Sanctum is heavily influenced by modern Arabian skyscrapers.
(That's so cool, by the way. I can totally see what you did there.)
(I wish all editing was this easy. :D)
08. nuclear power and advanced technology
(No period).
THE PIONEERS OF LOS ALAMOS
The Pioneers of Los Alamos is a group of scientists who, after the Dark Sun incident, dedicated their lives to preserving what remained of human society. They are not fighters, but possess the courage to venture through the bitter cold landscape in search of what ever may or may not be there.
(Deleted last sentence - redundant.)
The suits of the Pioneers are made of several layers of material, including faux fur for warmth.
These gaiters prevent any rocks or stones from entering the boots.
This is the insertion point of the Scheba Breathing Apparatus. The removable design made easy maintenance possible. The insertion point is designed not to leak air in or out.
09. CITY OF LOS ALAMOS
One of the safe havens created by humanity's technological evolution, the facility of Los Alamos uses nuclear power to create heat and light.
Unlike the Great Sanctum, the buildings on the "wings" were built after the Dark Sun incident, as the Sanctum is not large enough to house everyone.
This is the Great Sanctum, an arcology designed to carry mankind through the apocalypse. Prior to the Dark Sun incident the plan to build the Great Sanctum was a controversial one. While some scientists foresaw Earth's possible devastation, others believed it was a waste of money - yet another government-funded privilege for the rich.
10. LOS ALAMOS SKETCHES
The design of the Great Sanctum is heavily influenced by modern Arabian skyscrapers.
(That's so cool, by the way. I can totally see what you did there.)
A challenger appears.
Elijah408's right, our approaches are different. I'm not an editor. I've been approaching this project more as a translation assistant than a strict proofreader, and the images as more like spec sheets than a novel. You've done the hard part of translating the words to English; I've been taking it from there and translating the phrases to English, which means taking a few more liberties. Similarly, using the same term for the same group of people/actions/etc makes sense from a specifications standpoint, though it's less creative in style. Not saying he's wrong, just stylistic differences.
The advantage to you is, now you have more options to pick from at least for the first few images. I think I'll skip 06-10 since they're already done now, unless you want to hear my versions of them.
Elijah408's right, our approaches are different. I'm not an editor. I've been approaching this project more as a translation assistant than a strict proofreader, and the images as more like spec sheets than a novel. You've done the hard part of translating the words to English; I've been taking it from there and translating the phrases to English, which means taking a few more liberties. Similarly, using the same term for the same group of people/actions/etc makes sense from a specifications standpoint, though it's less creative in style. Not saying he's wrong, just stylistic differences.
The advantage to you is, now you have more options to pick from at least for the first few images. I think I'll skip 06-10 since they're already done now, unless you want to hear my versions of them.
11:
HEART of THE -- Looks like a space got skipped between "of" and "THE."
Located in the basement is the Heart of the Great Sanctum, a heating facility designed to store and distribute oxygen. -- Again I'm uncertain of your intent. Is "the heart" the official name (in which case it would be capitalized as a proper noun), or are you just using "heart" as a general term to mean the center or main purpose of the Great Sanctum? I've phrased it here under the assumption that it's an official name.
This main pipeline distributes heated air to various areas in the building through an intricate maze of pipes. -- Pipes only carry stuff; the collection would be done by perhaps a passive hood or more likely some sort of suction pump. Sorry, being a pedantic nerd here. :P
...times. The watchman on duty must wear a special suit as the room has no breathable air and stays at freezing temperatures.
These are the fuel rods. The reaction is kept as minimal as possible since even nuclear fuel needs to be conserved. -- From what I understand, control rods are what control the reaction rate rather than the fuel rods. Disclaimer: I'm also not a nuclear physicist.
HEART of THE -- Looks like a space got skipped between "of" and "THE."
Located in the basement is the Heart of the Great Sanctum, a heating facility designed to store and distribute oxygen. -- Again I'm uncertain of your intent. Is "the heart" the official name (in which case it would be capitalized as a proper noun), or are you just using "heart" as a general term to mean the center or main purpose of the Great Sanctum? I've phrased it here under the assumption that it's an official name.
This main pipeline distributes heated air to various areas in the building through an intricate maze of pipes. -- Pipes only carry stuff; the collection would be done by perhaps a passive hood or more likely some sort of suction pump. Sorry, being a pedantic nerd here. :P
...times. The watchman on duty must wear a special suit as the room has no breathable air and stays at freezing temperatures.
These are the fuel rods. The reaction is kept as minimal as possible since even nuclear fuel needs to be conserved. -- From what I understand, control rods are what control the reaction rate rather than the fuel rods. Disclaimer: I'm also not a nuclear physicist.
13:
Ha, you kept my silly acronym. It should probably be kept consistent though, as either "S.C.H.E.B.A." (the final "A" also gets a period in this form) or "SCHEBA" with no periods. Either way is correct. It's also pretty standard to use the non-abbreviated form the first time it's used in the main text, followed by the abbreviated form in parentheses; after that, you can continue using the abbreviation:
The Self-Contained Hostile Environment Breathing Apparatus (SCHEBA) is a compact device which stores liquid oxygen and efficiently heats it to a breathable gas. -- "built" was unneeded. It doesn't appear to be mechanical, so device made more sense than machine. And...aw, hell with it, I'm just rewriting it all.
An early concept which used transparent pipes for storage was discarded for the current design. -- There I go again, completely rewriting your stuff.
Modified pilot's oxygen mask.
Cap for liquid oxygen tank. -- More random trivia: Liquid oxygen is also simply called LOX (or LOx or Lox). Oh, and I just remembered that breathing pure oxygen can actually be harmful.
Exhaust vent for exhaled CO2.
Oxygen supply LED indicator; blue indicates sufficient oxygen, yellow or red warn of depletion. -- Yes, I know it's obviously blue in the image.
The heart rate monitor adjusts gaseous oxygen supply with the user's needs. Its LED indicator blinks with the user's pulse.
What do you mean by "insertion point?"
Ha, you kept my silly acronym. It should probably be kept consistent though, as either "S.C.H.E.B.A." (the final "A" also gets a period in this form) or "SCHEBA" with no periods. Either way is correct. It's also pretty standard to use the non-abbreviated form the first time it's used in the main text, followed by the abbreviated form in parentheses; after that, you can continue using the abbreviation:
The Self-Contained Hostile Environment Breathing Apparatus (SCHEBA) is a compact device which stores liquid oxygen and efficiently heats it to a breathable gas. -- "built" was unneeded. It doesn't appear to be mechanical, so device made more sense than machine. And...aw, hell with it, I'm just rewriting it all.
An early concept which used transparent pipes for storage was discarded for the current design. -- There I go again, completely rewriting your stuff.
Modified pilot's oxygen mask.
Cap for liquid oxygen tank. -- More random trivia: Liquid oxygen is also simply called LOX (or LOx or Lox). Oh, and I just remembered that breathing pure oxygen can actually be harmful.
Exhaust vent for exhaled CO2.
Oxygen supply LED indicator; blue indicates sufficient oxygen, yellow or red warn of depletion. -- Yes, I know it's obviously blue in the image.
The heart rate monitor adjusts gaseous oxygen supply with the user's needs. Its LED indicator blinks with the user's pulse.
What do you mean by "insertion point?"
14:
The RDPN1-M50 model transceiver headset utilizes the short-range communications protocol developed by the Pioneers of Los Alamos. It is restricted to line-of-sight communication with mobile transmitter relay stations and other headsets due to the lack of ionosphere. The Pioneers maintain a supply for equipping any survivors they may encounter. -- "Network" might be a better term than "protocol," depending on what you meant. I also made a bit of an assumption about headsets communicating with each other; just delete "and other headsets" if that was wrong. And...Rainbow Dash Pony Network v.1?
...batteries designed to last for extended periods. Health risks associated with exposure to radioactive elements is considered a secondary concern (than what?) -- The nerd in me wants to change "small nuclear-powered batteries" to "nuclear microreactors."
Earpiece cushions are omitted to prevent obstruction of external sounds, permitting the wearer greater awareness of the surroundings. -- Nerd time again. Headphone cushions are for comfort; the earpieces can be either open-backed to permit hearing of external sounds, or closed-back to block them.
...from the wearer's point of view. -- Just changed "of" to "from."
The RDPN1-M50 model transceiver headset utilizes the short-range communications protocol developed by the Pioneers of Los Alamos. It is restricted to line-of-sight communication with mobile transmitter relay stations and other headsets due to the lack of ionosphere. The Pioneers maintain a supply for equipping any survivors they may encounter. -- "Network" might be a better term than "protocol," depending on what you meant. I also made a bit of an assumption about headsets communicating with each other; just delete "and other headsets" if that was wrong. And...Rainbow Dash Pony Network v.1?
...batteries designed to last for extended periods. Health risks associated with exposure to radioactive elements is considered a secondary concern (than what?) -- The nerd in me wants to change "small nuclear-powered batteries" to "nuclear microreactors."
Earpiece cushions are omitted to prevent obstruction of external sounds, permitting the wearer greater awareness of the surroundings. -- Nerd time again. Headphone cushions are for comfort; the earpieces can be either open-backed to permit hearing of external sounds, or closed-back to block them.
...from the wearer's point of view. -- Just changed "of" to "from."
15:
The Hostile Environment Multipurpose Utility Vehicle (HEMUV) is the Pioneers' transportation solution as older vehicles became unusable. It features plenty of... -- See SCHEBA notes above regarding acronyms. Also assumed you meant the Pioneers as in the group and capitalized and corrected apostrophe accordingly. But what are "resources and utilities?"
This module is the beacon for the mobile transmitter relay station. Units are located on both sides of the vehicle.
This is the HEMUV's reactor unit. Its small size frees additional storage space for essential supplies. -- Essentials are important by definition.
Notice how the frigid environment slowly turns the inhabitants into tall, lanky penguins.
The Hostile Environment Multipurpose Utility Vehicle (HEMUV) is the Pioneers' transportation solution as older vehicles became unusable. It features plenty of... -- See SCHEBA notes above regarding acronyms. Also assumed you meant the Pioneers as in the group and capitalized and corrected apostrophe accordingly. But what are "resources and utilities?"
This module is the beacon for the mobile transmitter relay station. Units are located on both sides of the vehicle.
This is the HEMUV's reactor unit. Its small size frees additional storage space for essential supplies. -- Essentials are important by definition.
Notice how the frigid environment slowly turns the inhabitants into tall, lanky penguins.
17:
PIONEERS' -- Again, plural possessive.
...is the Pioneers' solution to searching for what life remains on Earth, human or otherwise. -- And again, plural possessive on Pioneers. Also, you'd been capitalizing Pioneers previously, so it should be consistent. Took out "city" since it seems the tech would work anywhere on the planet. You could put it back if it's important like this: ...what life remains in Earth's cities, human...
The infrared scanner searches for heat anomalies; upon detection, it automatically records and transmits IR video of the anomalies for the Pioneers to review and determine if they are caused by living beings. -- IR technology is abundant enough already that people generally understand that it converts from IR to the visible spectrum.
These rotating parts affect pitch, yaw, and roll to control the direction of travel.
Magnetic propeller technology utilizes electromagnets to alter the magnetic field, thus providing thrust. -- Having magnet so often feels unwieldy, but I couldn't figure out how the tech works so I could rephrase it.
PIONEERS' -- Again, plural possessive.
...is the Pioneers' solution to searching for what life remains on Earth, human or otherwise. -- And again, plural possessive on Pioneers. Also, you'd been capitalizing Pioneers previously, so it should be consistent. Took out "city" since it seems the tech would work anywhere on the planet. You could put it back if it's important like this: ...what life remains in Earth's cities, human...
The infrared scanner searches for heat anomalies; upon detection, it automatically records and transmits IR video of the anomalies for the Pioneers to review and determine if they are caused by living beings. -- IR technology is abundant enough already that people generally understand that it converts from IR to the visible spectrum.
These rotating parts affect pitch, yaw, and roll to control the direction of travel.
Magnetic propeller technology utilizes electromagnets to alter the magnetic field, thus providing thrust. -- Having magnet so often feels unwieldy, but I couldn't figure out how the tech works so I could rephrase it.
19:
...for if one transmitter fails, the whole chain... -- fail to fails, hole to whole
---with their feet, which grants them the ability to climb to higher grounds.
Pioneers will "herd" these transmitters alongside them when traveling so they can stay in communication with base of operations, Los Alamos.... -- Capitalize Pioneers. And "operation base" would seem to be better than "base of operations" if English weren't such a dumb language. "(Main or Forward) Operating Base" is a military term, but Los Alamos doesn't seem to fit that role.
...for if one transmitter fails, the whole chain... -- fail to fails, hole to whole
---with their feet, which grants them the ability to climb to higher grounds.
Pioneers will "herd" these transmitters alongside them when traveling so they can stay in communication with base of operations, Los Alamos.... -- Capitalize Pioneers. And "operation base" would seem to be better than "base of operations" if English weren't such a dumb language. "(Main or Forward) Operating Base" is a military term, but Los Alamos doesn't seem to fit that role.
21:
...life-sustaining... -- Hyphenated.
Gaseous oxygen... -- Adjective.
...to build makeshift homes. With old wood, cloth, and metal plates they have made a safe haven for themselves. Life is still hard, but at least there is life.
The residents can breathe here without need for masks or special equipment. -- Breathe is what you do (verb), breath is what comes out (noun).
Temperatures are warm enough to keep plants from freezing, and artificial lights substitute for sunlight to keep a few plants growing.
...life-sustaining... -- Hyphenated.
Gaseous oxygen... -- Adjective.
...to build makeshift homes. With old wood, cloth, and metal plates they have made a safe haven for themselves. Life is still hard, but at least there is life.
The residents can breathe here without need for masks or special equipment. -- Breathe is what you do (verb), breath is what comes out (noun).
Temperatures are warm enough to keep plants from freezing, and artificial lights substitute for sunlight to keep a few plants growing.
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