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Poem I wrote for a friend of mine who was feeling down. She posts a lot of Dio music to her Facebook feed, and is very gothy in general. I guess one of her 'friends' said she was too depressing..kinda irked me a bit, so I wrote this to cheer her up.
Diospeak:She likes to take lyrics from Dio tunes and rearrange them. The way she does it, it's almost like poetry. Kinda like the written version of a song remix.
Diospeak:She likes to take lyrics from Dio tunes and rearrange them. The way she does it, it's almost like poetry. Kinda like the written version of a song remix.
Category Poetry / All
Species Human
Size 72 x 120px
File Size 596 B
Listed in Folders
Repeating the same line-ending word twice in the same stanza (and sometimes even in the same poem), is generally a bad idea unless it's clear within the context that it's being done for a reason. (I'm referring to your use of 'gloom' twice in the second stanza).
I might suggest changing 'for in the gloom' to 'for in the gloaming' (yes, it's archaic and sometimes comes across as precious and 'twee', but sometimes it works). Likewise, it introduces just enough of a contrast that the reader is more willing to accept the assonantial slant rhyme of 'doom' and 'moon' in the next two lines, and it's not as clunky.
/JMO and all of that. Take it or leave it as you please. :P
I might suggest changing 'for in the gloom' to 'for in the gloaming' (yes, it's archaic and sometimes comes across as precious and 'twee', but sometimes it works). Likewise, it introduces just enough of a contrast that the reader is more willing to accept the assonantial slant rhyme of 'doom' and 'moon' in the next two lines, and it's not as clunky.
/JMO and all of that. Take it or leave it as you please. :P
Oh! Jeeze, man...didn't expect anyone to take this one seriously. Honestly, I was really tired when I wrote this. Probably not the best time to futz around with a new rhyming format lol. Hm..Gloam, eh? Sounds nummy. I like using olde words hehe. It 'fits' her, some how. Thank you once again!
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