So I just got done watching American Masters: Jimi Hendrix, on PUBLIC TELEVISION of all places (and really, you are missing cultural completion if you are not watching public TV), and, it isn't that there's parallels to me between Jimi and artists on FA or furdom, it isn't that I see parallels between me and Jimi's life, but seeing his success, his person for the first time, how he talks cool and was actually pretty introverted and shy, he's a model of one possible outcome for being an artist. A great, successful, acceptable outcome. He did some things in a certain way that got him that success–some of those things that were true throughout his whole life were:

•He had great talent and a gift to play the guitar, but he worked at it day and night, hour in and hour out. All the interviewed people in the documentary said that they couldn't remember him not playing a guitar, having one strapped on his shoulder. So when I saw that on the tv I knew I didn't do that. I don't do that with my art, or music, or even drawing feet, possibly the easiest most instant-reward thing. I should work more at playing my own guitar, the pen and tablet, or pencil and sketchbook. But you can't just do that alone...

•Music just flowed out of him on stage. Jimi turned into a massive performer on stage, an extrovert. If you look past his stagecraft as they say, you realize he's acting this way because he's having such a nirvana with the guitar, doing the one thing, THE ONE THING, he wants to do. It just so happened that in the right moments the one thing he wanted to do tapped into lots of humanity. That and the '60s were an upheaval time and that may have had something to do with it. The point is, he did not just what he wanted, but... he pushed SO FAR, what he wanted. He made take after take, he didn't just do his favorite thing, he sculpted and sanded and chiseled and polished his favorite thing, pushed the envelope. Some of you know that I like to draw feet. It's my favorite thing. But I really could be happy drawing feet good or all right and be happy. But I wouldn't be seeing how perfect, or how far forward I could take feet, to draw something no one else would have ever imagined. That's how Jimi did, when he did, and that's what I lack, and must start to do.

•On late night shows of the '60s and from the anecdotes of his friends, it was clear that lauding him distracted him. He said himself that compliments were distracting, and detracting, and that all he wanted was only to play better, to see what he could do, to write more music. Attention at him and things like that made him lose himself. Well guess who's been wanting attention. And in this I'm really extra weak. I get angry at myself and the world on here, and even throw flak at the very people who watch me on here, I think because I'm extra poor at handling attention. I want to be about all I think I like at everyone who watches me on all the sites I'm at. I really... I hate to confess it but I upload lots of stuff 'cuz I want to see if anyone comments, and what they think... really I just want to see comments, and maybe faves. v_v And... *covers face* that's not the point of FA for me. It's not the point of me. I just turned... my art, what I thought I loved, into a personality contest, me versus yesterday's me....

....aaaand now I'm down about it sorry. That's another thing, I bring me down about me easily. Winter makes it worse, but... what I could learn, is to gradually shift from 'what will people say about MY art?' to whatever God wants for me. Really. I mean I believe I will have enough to live on always. But what is it I can make that God and me can not just like, not just enjoy together, but have great big enjoying-laughs late into the night, and reminisce fondly about much later in life. Jimi may or may not have had God for his guide, but I want to say that 'hey, the Man upstairs brought me here in my art, and He led me to this great big sandbox to play in and discover what He prepped for me to build and sculpt and have fun making.'

•Over time Jimi Hendrix made enough money to pretty much BUY A NIGHTCLUB and turn it into his own personal recording studio, where Electric Lady Records happened pretty much. But in an interview in one late night talk show he made it clear when he was asked about how it must be hard to sing the blues when he was making so much money(i'm paraphrasing now): 'that it's not hard to sing the blues, in fact, that whne you have lots of money, there's troubles and you're making lots of money instead of making lots of music/blues/and you're thinking money, and being drawn away from what you were originally here to do. [making the best music] So it can be very easy, if you make more money, it gets easier to sing the blues.' (AUGH so much paraphrasing but.)
So. I NEED MONEY. Yet, I'm dumb, and have to fight laziness all the time. And I won't go more into that. At the same time I'm motivated in several ways to make money, to even do fun things that can gradually make me money. And really? I just want to pay my bills. I don't want a new comp, or some performance for my car (other than repairs OUCH), or the PS4 or even a PS3 or just riches. I really just want to pay my bills and experience a clean financial conscience. To be free. But if I distort--the rational and honorable desire to pay bills with my labor--with the fear and anxiety and guilt of--'oh I'm lazy and I don't work and I got myself into this, this is what lazy people get, I should be making more money at my age than I am now'-- then that's just lies and serving money. That kind of thinking only has 'make more money because you're expected to already' and not 'make money because you want to be righteous at paying your debts.' That's how I've been living, it's an easy lie to live under. 'You should be paying your bills. You should be making more than you are. You shouldn't be so frivolous with money especially when it's not yours.' Those are completely true, and completely false. I work to pay bills, but to be happy that I am paying them honorably; and I should be making more than I am, but I don't have to be making more than everyone ELSE makes or OVERACHEIVINGLY more than I make now; and money that's not mine is still only money-- what I'm actually spending is the emotional trust of someone else. It's a person I'm spending, not the thing that keeps bills away.

There's lots more that I learned but I'll get stale if I post them all. Go see the documentary yourself and learn your own things. Final points: I'm here, open to work in the thing that I want to learn how to sculpt and refine and smelt and polish. I know I have to learn how to like it and want it, and it won't come all at once. I'm going to have to be patient, and I know pretty much I won't have those perfect moments that made Jimi Hendrix an *experience*, I may end up waiting a decade or more to be in my right art spot. Till then, I guess... as hard as it is to accept, as much as I really don't want to write it here... I may be going from gig to gig, just playing wherever there's an opening, having a bit of recognition, then silence. A bit, silence, another bit, silence. As long as that sustains my living, paying bills, paying responsibilities, that has to be enough, until a smooth stream of successes come. I don't want to accept that. But maybe that's just it.

'Scuse me, while I upload this file.