It’s real funny how you do something one time, one time out of your entire life, everything you ever do, and that’s what they remember. Don’t believe me? Well it’s true, isn’t it? Not even just people, either; cities, countries, establishments, oh, and colleges. I can prove it; tell me what you think when I say two words. Virginia Tech. Bet you aren’t thinking of the job rates of alumni, are you? No I didn’t think so. Real funny how that works, huh? Dallas. Fifty years this week, eh? You know what I’m talking about. That one thing, that one stupid mistake, and that’s what people remember you for.

[I have been off of the writing wagon for a bit, but with some inspiration I wrote this, hopefully examining some very human issues that I think most of us can understand. Comment or critique, enjoy!]

You know something else that’s real funny? Raccoon jokes. I know raccoon jokes, don’t I? Yeah you can bet I know raccoon jokes, I’ve heard ‘em all! The funniest thing about them is they are all about stealing, that’s why we have a mask, so that’s all we do, right? Steal, right? Hey, there’s that one thing we do so that must be what you should remember us for. Well those jokes are all about stealing, because that’s what people remember. Well guess what? I didn’t steal shit.

You know what I did? I murdered an asshole for beating on my sister every day of every week. I took a bat and I beat that scumbag bagger’s brains out. So what am I? I’m a murderer. There you go, stop listening, you have what you need to remember, there’s your one thing, there’s you one thing to know everything about me, about what I’ve done, to know who I am, to know how to judge me, know how to judge that you shouldn’t hire me, you shouldn’t even talk to me, you see me on the street you walk the other way. Because that’s how it works, doesn’t it? You don’t need to know he almost killed my sister. You don’t need to know he almost killed me when I stuck up for her. You don’t need to know who, or why, or how, all you need is a label that can save you the time or effort. Of. Me.

M
U
R
D
E
R
E
R.

But shit, doesn’t mean I don’t hear those raccoon jokes. You don’t know any? Well they all go something like “Raccoons have masks and they steal”. What? Not any good? Well there are a lot of other ones that are a lot more… creative! Yeah, a lot more creative, and have puns or real kickass punch lines. So sorry, I’m not too good at telling jokes, but when you commit at a young age you have plenty of time to hear them, so sue me if they all start to run together.

You know it would be real great if I was good at telling jokes though, because when someone is a real joker everyone has no problem with that. No there are plenty of real funny otters who do real funny skits and no one cares if they shot up years ago, or sold it, or still do, or still shoot up, and you know why? Because otters are real funny, like seals except not big as a house. Eh? Nothing? Yep you wanna hear some good jokes go find some otters because I don’t make people laugh.

Shit, that’s not true either. Sorry. I don’t make people laugh in a good way. I don’t brighten anyone’s day except for them to look at themselves and say “Shit, aren’t I glad I didn’t screw up like him,” or “Its real funny how these people act like they are normal when they are just a criminal.” That’s how I brighten some asshole’s day, but I couldn’t be a circus freak otter laughing off everything in my life on a stage, and that’s a real pity.

You know why? You know why it’s a pity I’m not up there letting the world judge me and find me something other than a criminal or a number? Because those otters eat. Shit, most don’t eat that well but at least they can work at a job that isn’t selling burgers to some rat who is going to OD on fries and supersized pop because he has a heart condition and an addiction to what shit fast food joint I’m serving my sentence at.
Oh my real sentence? You want to know my real sentence for saving my life and my sister’s life? Life, with no hope of redemption. You know 11 years isn’t that long in a prison but it’s long enough to destroy what ever chance you have of making something real out of your life in the outside world.

It’s real funny how quick this real world is to jump ship on you if you screw up. If you have that one special thing to be remembered for then you can just forget any hope you ever had. ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ I want to grow up to be judged and found lacking, to be shut out of every job paying a living wage, to lose a big heaping piece of my pie and never get one slice given to me. I want to grow up and listening to raccoon jokes, I want to grow up to listen to those FUCKING RACCOON JOKES and know that that is all I will EVER be! A raccoon, therefor a criminal! A murderer, therefor a criminal! A criminal, therefor a joke! Yeah I want to grow up to be a joke, and not the good kind. A real funny kind of joke. I don’t know why, but I’m not laughing at this one.