"Soul and spirit must be separated from the body, and this is equivalent to death"

Lately depression has been steadily creeping up on me. It's awful. I hate it. I want to sidestep out of existence and let every problem in life sweep by like a passing train. It seems like the carrots in life are attached to an ever enlonging stick.

When debts are almost paid off, an emergency curveball expenditure hits you. When time is of the essence something stops you. Things you want have to be given up for things you need, compromises that seemed good at the time just leave you hollow later. The system we live in keeps us impoverished and in want. We want the things we can't have, and if we get them we become burdened with a debt that surpasses their worth. The things we work hard to achieve can easily be smashed to pieces by small compounding events.

I was given a job opportunity by a friend from school, he was leaving his current one and where he worked was essentially my dream job. Spent money on new clothes, went in for the interview, was constantly reassured by him that I got the job only to find out I was passed over for someone else. It took a whole two months or so for this to sort and play out. Requiring me to put all my life planning on hold.

I've also come to terms with the fact that I have to choose between pursuing love or staying with friends. I can't have both. I've spent years crafting my current friendships, and some of them have fallen through the cracks, but I still treasure the ones I have. However the distance in my currently relationship is causing huge problems in it, and I know it won't survive if I keep putting it off. It's either love or friends, an awful thing to have to choose between.

My personal interests lay in biology and chemistry, especially evolutionary biology. It's a study that stresses the importance of what previous generations contribute to the current. I find it quite ironic that I'm adopted and have no idea where or who I came from. It's a constant dull slap to my psyche every day that I think about it yet know I am mostly powerless to gain closure.

Work has also clashed with my gender identity. I wanted to work towards being androgynous. Instead it makes me dress masculine and cut my hair. Only two coworkers know that I'm not exactly heteronormative, and I try not to hint at it. I'm afraid of being suddenly shunned by the people I worked on trying to win over.

I hate being up this late. I hate the existential depression eating away at my perception on life. I hate the incessant thinking. I wish it would stop. I wish I could just sleep. I wish to be dissolved.