Seeing as you've described pretty much exactly what I have, and I most definitely need medical help...

I would suggest seeking help on these. Software can't run right if the hardware is shorting out.

Nothing wrong with getting help dude. I told myself I wasn't that bad, but after leaving the dark it's crazy to see how lost I really was.

Come up with a list of everything that you think should make you happy, and come up with a list of all your bad feelings and all the reasons you have them. Go through your list of things that make you upset, and get really fucking mad at every single one of them. Go through the list, get indignant because you deserve as much happiness as a normal person (you do, whether you think so or not). Bring every one of those things to mind, recognize that you shouldn't be oppressed by those feelings, you should be pissed off that you have to deal with that shit. Think about something you hate, hate it hardcore, then delete it from your head - and move on to the next thing on your list. One at a time. The goal is to go through the list and just get livid at it all. Then when you're done thinking of all the things you can be mad about, don't think about anything. The most important thing is to use up all your energy so you aren't thinking about anything. Literally nothing. Don't try to "get the answer" or "figure things out". You'll fail if you try, so don't even bother. Just find a peaceful state and exist without thinking about anything.

Then go through the list of things that you already have, and think about the things that you think make you happy. Think about all the ways they make you happy. My list, for instance, has on it being outside, my pets, learning cool stuff, music, furries, my friends, and particularly nice things people have done for me.

Of course, that only really worked for me after I had been on fluoxetine for a few months. If you want to solve these kinds of problems, you need a crutch to get you sane enough to legitimately think about them in a way that isn't just destructive. In my personal case (which is different from every other) fluoxetine (prozac) almost worked too well - I was so pleasant all the time that I didn't really feel any pressure to do work, so I took a break from medication to see if I'd stay alright. Now I'm stable enough to use "strategies" to keep myself sane. After having depression for a while, you start to understand those "auras" that precede a really big down. Whenever I feel an aura like that, I immediately stop thinking about whatever I was thinking about and empty my mind completely. And if I ever think I'm getting depressed again, you can bet I'm going back too the psychiatrist to get my happy pills. Because it's fucking medicine, arguably the pinnacle of human civilization. There is no logical reason to be averse to something that's therapeutic and makes you healthy, there's only fear. And the only thing you should fear is fear itself.