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August 18, 2006
THE HORSE WITH NO NAME
Directed by Luc Renard
Written by Dale Claymer
Starring Lance Cheval, Heather Pranson, Omar Tawleed
Rated R
Regardless of what anyone says about this movie, you have to admire Lance Cheval's chutzpah. Cashing out his FBA career for a ticket to Furrywood has paid off well for the former center, who stars this summer in one of the biggest budgeted films of the year. And it's go bold or go home for Lance-- he shares the screen with the gorgeous Heather Pranson (hey, I appreciate horses, too) and one of the finest equine character actors in the business Omar Tawleed. Hitch on a screenplay penned by razor sharp equine writer Dale Claymer and Belgian fox action director Luc Renard in his Furrywood debut, and, on paper, you've got the biggest hit of the summer.
Just as soon as Furrywood figures out how to project a movie on paper.
Watching The Horse With No Name is like trying to pull seaweed out of your whiskers. It takes forever, it hurts at times, and when you're done, your head feels numb. I probably could watch this movie six times-- actually, I don't think I could survive-- and I would still have no clue what's going on.
From as much as I can figure out, Lance Cheval plays Dr. John McColt, a superagent programmed by-- the military, foreign governments, aliens, all of the above, I don't know-- to assassinate a chess grandmaster. Being that chess grandmasters are such notoriously difficult targets, instead of just spraying a machine gun at the first guy who castles, an induced amnesia keeps him from knowing his true mission. Apparently this helps him get closer to Heather Pranson playing grandmaster Luchenelle Allain d'Ovaria-- I did not make that up-- so that he can apply a deadly poison to her chess set. Hell, he should have installed a bomb in her chess clock while he was at it.
Claymer is an adept writer, and I'm sure when he penned this story he had in mind a slight, unassuming professor-like character to play Dr. McColt. That could have worked, making him more believable as a mole, and adding a level of drama to the explosion-filled conclusion when he goes against his programming to rescue the heroine. (I die a little every time I write that name, so I won't do it again.) Instead, we have the massive, muscle-bound super athlete Lance Cheval stuffed into the uniform of an art museum curator, trying to make us believe he's just a common chess fan unaware of his true purpose. I did find it hilariously entertaining to watch this towering, Adonis-bodied drafter deliver lines like "I've always admired chess. It makes you think." If he had called the knight a "horsie," I would have more respect for this film.
But what's truly entertaining is just how hard Lance tries to make it work. Despite being hopelessly miscast, he puts in so much effort that at times he almost sells it, channeling a sort of simple plowhorse vibe that is interesting, if not totally convincing. But just as soon as he gets comfortable with the role, the second act throws everything out of whack again when suddenly other agents show up with orders to execute McColt. I truly love how these agents claim to come from the same training program McColt is from, and yet they barely clear Cheval's hip. By the time Tawleed is cackling over his brilliant plan to take over the world-- through chess...your guess is as good as mine-- you expect McColt to be pulling out a laundry list of questions about how this plan is supposed to work. Instead, bombs go off, buildings explode, Cheval jumps through a window because it's there, and fists slam into muzzles left and right. Because, you know, chess makes you think. Oh, and there's a disk with information on his real identity because evil organizations still haven't figured out USB sticks.
The Horse With No Name is a mess. The story makes no sense, Lance Cheval is hopelessly miscast, and the action scenes are short and sandwiched between long stretches of awkward, unconvincing dialogue. As an FBA fan, I would love to blame everything on Lance Cheval, who gave up an outstanding career playing for a team that desperately needed his help. But in truth, the former pro athlete does have a solid presence on screen and showed good acting chops for a rookie. It's easy to picture Lance fitting well in a different role, but here, he just couldn't make it work.
But hey, Lance, if you're reading this, our Santa Ana Spectrums could use some help.
Mack Lontra
Leon & Mack Furrywood Review
A commission from Rainfurrest 2013 by the always brilliantly cast
cooner!
THE HORSE WITH NO NAME
Directed by Luc Renard
Written by Dale Claymer
Starring Lance Cheval, Heather Pranson, Omar Tawleed
Rated R
Regardless of what anyone says about this movie, you have to admire Lance Cheval's chutzpah. Cashing out his FBA career for a ticket to Furrywood has paid off well for the former center, who stars this summer in one of the biggest budgeted films of the year. And it's go bold or go home for Lance-- he shares the screen with the gorgeous Heather Pranson (hey, I appreciate horses, too) and one of the finest equine character actors in the business Omar Tawleed. Hitch on a screenplay penned by razor sharp equine writer Dale Claymer and Belgian fox action director Luc Renard in his Furrywood debut, and, on paper, you've got the biggest hit of the summer.
Just as soon as Furrywood figures out how to project a movie on paper.
Watching The Horse With No Name is like trying to pull seaweed out of your whiskers. It takes forever, it hurts at times, and when you're done, your head feels numb. I probably could watch this movie six times-- actually, I don't think I could survive-- and I would still have no clue what's going on.
From as much as I can figure out, Lance Cheval plays Dr. John McColt, a superagent programmed by-- the military, foreign governments, aliens, all of the above, I don't know-- to assassinate a chess grandmaster. Being that chess grandmasters are such notoriously difficult targets, instead of just spraying a machine gun at the first guy who castles, an induced amnesia keeps him from knowing his true mission. Apparently this helps him get closer to Heather Pranson playing grandmaster Luchenelle Allain d'Ovaria-- I did not make that up-- so that he can apply a deadly poison to her chess set. Hell, he should have installed a bomb in her chess clock while he was at it.
Claymer is an adept writer, and I'm sure when he penned this story he had in mind a slight, unassuming professor-like character to play Dr. McColt. That could have worked, making him more believable as a mole, and adding a level of drama to the explosion-filled conclusion when he goes against his programming to rescue the heroine. (I die a little every time I write that name, so I won't do it again.) Instead, we have the massive, muscle-bound super athlete Lance Cheval stuffed into the uniform of an art museum curator, trying to make us believe he's just a common chess fan unaware of his true purpose. I did find it hilariously entertaining to watch this towering, Adonis-bodied drafter deliver lines like "I've always admired chess. It makes you think." If he had called the knight a "horsie," I would have more respect for this film.
But what's truly entertaining is just how hard Lance tries to make it work. Despite being hopelessly miscast, he puts in so much effort that at times he almost sells it, channeling a sort of simple plowhorse vibe that is interesting, if not totally convincing. But just as soon as he gets comfortable with the role, the second act throws everything out of whack again when suddenly other agents show up with orders to execute McColt. I truly love how these agents claim to come from the same training program McColt is from, and yet they barely clear Cheval's hip. By the time Tawleed is cackling over his brilliant plan to take over the world-- through chess...your guess is as good as mine-- you expect McColt to be pulling out a laundry list of questions about how this plan is supposed to work. Instead, bombs go off, buildings explode, Cheval jumps through a window because it's there, and fists slam into muzzles left and right. Because, you know, chess makes you think. Oh, and there's a disk with information on his real identity because evil organizations still haven't figured out USB sticks.
The Horse With No Name is a mess. The story makes no sense, Lance Cheval is hopelessly miscast, and the action scenes are short and sandwiched between long stretches of awkward, unconvincing dialogue. As an FBA fan, I would love to blame everything on Lance Cheval, who gave up an outstanding career playing for a team that desperately needed his help. But in truth, the former pro athlete does have a solid presence on screen and showed good acting chops for a rookie. It's easy to picture Lance fitting well in a different role, but here, he just couldn't make it work.
But hey, Lance, if you're reading this, our Santa Ana Spectrums could use some help.
Mack Lontra
Leon & Mack Furrywood Review
A commission from Rainfurrest 2013 by the always brilliantly cast
cooner!
Category Artwork (Traditional) / General Furry Art
Species Horse
Size 963 x 1280px
File Size 1.54 MB
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