I still remember a time before the darkness; when the light shone and life flourished throughout the land. Everything was better then, everything was happier, was more easily enjoyed, and was, well, simpler. It was so long ago, there have been generations who have lived, and died in the darkness, and I am cursed to watch it all unfold; unable to do anything to help and restore what I so kindly fucked up. It’s an odd thing to get use to the guilt of knowing so many have suffered from my choice. At first you get in the cycle of thinking “why did I do it? There had to be a different choice! Why did I do it?”
More often than not these thoughts will wreck more havoc than the outcome of your choices. In my case the guilt consumed me. It isolated me from the world and dragged me down to my own little Hell. For years I spent blaming myself, replaying the split second decision I made and coming up with a thousand different choices. Possibly they were better. Maybe they would have had a better outcome, and still achieved a goal I had strived for years to achieve.
Maybe. Maybe isn’t good enough. Maybe is the grey area that still makes us believed in failure. That single word can inspire the smallest doubt that dominos our subconscious decisions and drives us into the ground of failure. But there is that the constant thought of, “what if.”
Ah, what if… the sweet words of a child wishing for a way to turn back time. What if I chose differently? What if it all turned out differently? The events that led up to all this keep running through my mind, even after so long. As far as I know it’s the only memories I have before the darkness came, and I remember it like it was just yesterday….