Like your last poem, this leaves me confused. This one even more so. I like the style, and your rhythm is perfect, but I feel like it's empty. It's emotionless. Please don't hate me for saying this, but this isn't your best work.

I agree with you to an extent.

With this poem and the last one, I was experimenting with capturing a moment. In both cases, that moment being a very small amount of time, then focusing solely on the subject and whatever sensations it may invoke in me in that very moment. For the last poem, the action of the moth landing on a shirt and taking off again could occur anywhere from a span of a second to a few minutes. I wanted to touch on that one second. To me, for this style at least, everything beyond the moth, its actions, its movements and my observation its actions - that one moment in time - is inconsequential. Anything more would get in the way of that flash of a moment.

That being said, I don't feel I quite captured what I was going for in this particular piece, since it feels that something is missing, though I don't know what. Something at the end, maybe. It feels like it cuts off abruptly. Or that I'm merely observing the object and event, and in my mind that's all I see and nothing more. I'll tinker around with the style a little more since I find it a rather interesting style, if difficult to do, with so few words.

Thank you for your input. Don't ever be afraid to say you think something is bad. It's the only way we'll improve.

It's not so much that this ends abruptly, I feel as if you aren't specific enough. Poems are great when one must infer and guess, but this is too much. I read it four times to understand what it meant even knowing the title. I still don't think that I fully comprehend it. Moth was more fine-cut. I think with this style, you have to be very specific and leave little room for interpretation about the solid details you convey, but leave out everything else.

I'm glad you took the criticism well. More than once someone flipped on me because of this...

Ah, I see what you mean, now. Yeah, it does feel off; not specific enough as you pointed out. Like, it seems I was trying to say what I wanted to say, but I wasn't saying exactlywhat I want to say, but going about it in a roundabout way. I guess that's what happens when I try to write something so early in the morning, but there's no excuse for that on my part. I have to tighten it up and make sure it's specific with the details that I want to convey, regardless of length.

Thanks a ton.

Some people don't take well to criticism, well-intentioned or otherwise, since I guess it feels like you're ripping apart what effort they put into their work. Good thing I took writing workshops! 8)