
this is one peom I had in my head awhile I turned it in to my class which is now returned it to me.. its more or less a very touching one..
Category Poetry / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 20 kB
I normally cringe when people set out to use the archaic 2nd person singular pronouns thou/thee/thy (though I've done it myself), but you pretty much nailed them, as far as I can see! You might want to use "thine own" rather than "thy own," (for the same reason you'd say "an owl" rather than "a owl.")
The choice not to line-break is also works surprisingly well. I imagine you'll get a lot of "that's not poetry" from people on that count, but that's cuz they don't get poetry. OTOH, I'm not sure it isn't improved by breaking the lines out anyway. Might consider it; the scansion gets pretty interesting, actually, depending on how you break the lines. And really it doesn't read to well as coherent sentences in english, so I think the breaks would improve the readability.
Making a posessive of the adjective yonder: "yonder's," is a bit of a mental stretch (though a good one if you intended it that way).
And a couple phrases do bug me: using the leetspeak spelling "thru" is jarring. And I can't parse "...thy heart whose seeketh me..." at all. Typo?
The other thing that strikes me about this poem is that it that though it's not often focused and doesn't have a sense of progress, it still evokes a clear mental picture and feeling-- especially since it leaves us room to feel by talking about roses and moon and thorns, rather than the kind of empty declaration of feeee-eeeelings you often see in emo poetry. So, it definitely works.
Nice poem!
The choice not to line-break is also works surprisingly well. I imagine you'll get a lot of "that's not poetry" from people on that count, but that's cuz they don't get poetry. OTOH, I'm not sure it isn't improved by breaking the lines out anyway. Might consider it; the scansion gets pretty interesting, actually, depending on how you break the lines. And really it doesn't read to well as coherent sentences in english, so I think the breaks would improve the readability.
Making a posessive of the adjective yonder: "yonder's," is a bit of a mental stretch (though a good one if you intended it that way).
And a couple phrases do bug me: using the leetspeak spelling "thru" is jarring. And I can't parse "...thy heart whose seeketh me..." at all. Typo?
The other thing that strikes me about this poem is that it that though it's not often focused and doesn't have a sense of progress, it still evokes a clear mental picture and feeling-- especially since it leaves us room to feel by talking about roses and moon and thorns, rather than the kind of empty declaration of feeee-eeeelings you often see in emo poetry. So, it definitely works.
Nice poem!
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