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I... Hate Myself.
I can wake up at the morning, or go to bed at night, and look at myself in the mirror and see nothing but imperfection. I hate how much I weigh, I hate the fact that I don't have a 'pretty' face, I hate the way my hair falls around my face, I hate that I can not dress to save my life... I just hate everything about me.
And what I hate most is that I am so fucking pathetic, so insecure, so broken. And I just don't know how to fix... Well, how to fix me.
And while I deal with this self loathing.. I try so damned hard to keep a smile on my face because I don't want anyone to know. I don't want to be a problem, a burden... I just want to smile and say it is all okay so they can keep smiling. Yet I fail there too.
I can do absolutely nothing right it seems. I... Am not enough to make the one person in the world I care about above all others happy... And I know it. And.. God it just hurts. It hurts so much. All the time it just hurts and I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to breaking beyond repair.
Not suicide. Never that. But there are times where I would just like to... Not be here. Not be me. Not hurt.
Good golly how pathetic is all that?
This is some older vent art that I finally decided to publish. Vents are not something I make a habit of doing but... I feel like I could use one now. I am not as low as I was, I'm doing better...ish. Just not a hundred percent, but really I haven't been a hundred percent in a long time. But I'm still hoping to get there one day, I just hope that in the search for that I don't ruin the best thing that ever happened to me.
I can wake up at the morning, or go to bed at night, and look at myself in the mirror and see nothing but imperfection. I hate how much I weigh, I hate the fact that I don't have a 'pretty' face, I hate the way my hair falls around my face, I hate that I can not dress to save my life... I just hate everything about me.
And what I hate most is that I am so fucking pathetic, so insecure, so broken. And I just don't know how to fix... Well, how to fix me.
And while I deal with this self loathing.. I try so damned hard to keep a smile on my face because I don't want anyone to know. I don't want to be a problem, a burden... I just want to smile and say it is all okay so they can keep smiling. Yet I fail there too.
I can do absolutely nothing right it seems. I... Am not enough to make the one person in the world I care about above all others happy... And I know it. And.. God it just hurts. It hurts so much. All the time it just hurts and I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to breaking beyond repair.
Not suicide. Never that. But there are times where I would just like to... Not be here. Not be me. Not hurt.
Good golly how pathetic is all that?
This is some older vent art that I finally decided to publish. Vents are not something I make a habit of doing but... I feel like I could use one now. I am not as low as I was, I'm doing better...ish. Just not a hundred percent, but really I haven't been a hundred percent in a long time. But I'm still hoping to get there one day, I just hope that in the search for that I don't ruin the best thing that ever happened to me.
Category All / All
Species Unspecified / Any
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File Size 69.6 kB
bri bri D= you are perfect the way you are don't ever think differently your pretty , smart , funny. so much fun to be around. and though there is a pact of secrecy between what brothers talk about just cause we are brother. I can tell you your more then chris could ever want. you are a great person and never let anyone tell you differently. cause they are just trying to make themselves feel better about their own selves .
You are not pathetic hon. You're just dealing with depression it sounds like. From what I know of you, you are kind, you are giving, you work hard to make others happy. I've seen the pic of you and you are so adorable looking! *hugs* I'm here if you want to talk to anyone lady. I've been down this road and am trying to not go down it again. It's hard, I know.
Eh... Depression is something I never thought I would experience... I love being happy :'3
Its just such a new and miserable thing to go through for me... But I'll be fine eventually.
*Hugs* Thank you darling, your friendship over the years has meat more than you can ever know.
Its just such a new and miserable thing to go through for me... But I'll be fine eventually.
*Hugs* Thank you darling, your friendship over the years has meat more than you can ever know.
:(
A few things.
1. You say your upset about your weight, your looks, and the way you dress, but I see you everyday and everyday I see the most beautiful thing these eyes have seen.
2. You say your not good enough to make me happy, but yet you make me happy every second of the day. My heart beats for you. And a day without you would be a day without happiness. In fact it would be pure torture.
3. You feel as though your 'breaking beyond repair' and yet, I find this on my own. Keeping this stuff hidden is what leads to such things as what happened to Robin Williams. We are one and yet you don't act like this around me... why. I'm here for you. I figured you knew that.
4. You say your pathetic. Insecure. Broken. But I can't even fathom an example of you being pathetic. Insecure.. probably because of me and the shit I have put you through these 3 years and 7 months. I'm sorry. And broken... this one hurts me. Cause when I'm feeling broken your all I need to put the pieces back together, but it seems I fail at doing the same for you.
Extra.
Bri, I love you. I love you with all of my being and though I'm failing at making you happy, I'm going to try and change that. I don't want you to fake smile anymore. Your real smile, its so precious. I'm willing to spend the rest of eternity with you by my side.
I hope your having a good day at work.
With much love, your silly lion boy.
A few things.
1. You say your upset about your weight, your looks, and the way you dress, but I see you everyday and everyday I see the most beautiful thing these eyes have seen.
2. You say your not good enough to make me happy, but yet you make me happy every second of the day. My heart beats for you. And a day without you would be a day without happiness. In fact it would be pure torture.
3. You feel as though your 'breaking beyond repair' and yet, I find this on my own. Keeping this stuff hidden is what leads to such things as what happened to Robin Williams. We are one and yet you don't act like this around me... why. I'm here for you. I figured you knew that.
4. You say your pathetic. Insecure. Broken. But I can't even fathom an example of you being pathetic. Insecure.. probably because of me and the shit I have put you through these 3 years and 7 months. I'm sorry. And broken... this one hurts me. Cause when I'm feeling broken your all I need to put the pieces back together, but it seems I fail at doing the same for you.
Extra.
Bri, I love you. I love you with all of my being and though I'm failing at making you happy, I'm going to try and change that. I don't want you to fake smile anymore. Your real smile, its so precious. I'm willing to spend the rest of eternity with you by my side.
I hope your having a good day at work.
With much love, your silly lion boy.
Oh baby, don't be silly. You are what I live for, you are my life and my everything. Of all the things in this world you are what makes me feel safe, happy, and so very complete.
I know its silly but sometimes I just fear that I will lose you because of these fleeing that I have that I really have no reason to feel... Its stupid and ridiculous and confusing and... I just don't know sometimes.
The only reason I never don't tell you is because well... when your with me you should be happy, and I knwo if I'm not you won't be, and all I want to do when I am with you and just see you smile and hear you laugh because when you do that I feel so much better. I can smile and laugh and just be happy with you. When I'm with you I don't feel that way most of the time.
Ha, I know it is cliche to say, but really babe any issues I have are because of me and not you. You are, and always will be, my perfect hero.
*Strokes your face creepily* I love you, my silly lion boy. :3
I know its silly but sometimes I just fear that I will lose you because of these fleeing that I have that I really have no reason to feel... Its stupid and ridiculous and confusing and... I just don't know sometimes.
The only reason I never don't tell you is because well... when your with me you should be happy, and I knwo if I'm not you won't be, and all I want to do when I am with you and just see you smile and hear you laugh because when you do that I feel so much better. I can smile and laugh and just be happy with you. When I'm with you I don't feel that way most of the time.
Ha, I know it is cliche to say, but really babe any issues I have are because of me and not you. You are, and always will be, my perfect hero.
*Strokes your face creepily* I love you, my silly lion boy. :3
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