
This is Chapter 14 to a commissioned novel. It is set in the Two Weeks universe, and is universe canon. The story follows Talikin, a 29 year old fox who's fed up with nearly everything, and is looking to make a serious change in his life, and his boyfriend, Matt, a German Shepard that never outgrew his selfish, childhood habits. Unexpectedly, that change comes in the form of the pair being targeted by a secret society.
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Story Text: (FA formatting is crap. Download to read it the way it was meant to be read.)
The Vacant Years: Chapter 14
Chapter 14
After the incident with the police officer had passed, the rest of the drive went by without another hitch. Sky turned off the infantile music, clearly seeing that Talikin had turned down a golden opportunity out of affection for her, and drove on in silence, the soaked fox in the back doing what he could to piece together his reasoning for his actions. He could have, with a word, sent his caretaker to jail, his kidnapper, the person who had torn him away from everything comfortable and familiar, and forced him into the role of a toddler without any apparent cause. But… It was more complicated than that. Despite all that she had done to him, Tali was unconvinced that she had meant him harm. The diapers, the milk feedings, the crib… it was all part of a larger game, a psychological and emotional chess piece battle that he simply didn’t yet see the point of yet. Surely there had to be a purpose, and it had to be good enough for Sky, who had been taken by this organization of theirs as well, and underwent a similar treatment to the one Talikin was currently receiving, to join their ranks and aid their cause.
Tali’s deliberations were put on the back-burner as Sky pulled off the highway and into the entertainment district, which the fox had predicted was their ultimate destination. It was a Monday morning, which meant that the region, dominated by clubs, bars, movie theaters, hotels, restaurants, a sports center, a theme park, and plenty of curiosities, was nearly empty. The only cars that the fox could see were either extremely luxurious or taxis, neither of which looked out of place under the forest of neon marquees. Talikin didn’t know the area well enough to judge where he was being taken, but, as the CRV entered into the hotel and resort dominated section of the district, the selection narrowed considerably.
The district was directly adjacent to the city’s largest airport, and thus an extremely profitable tourist trap for anyone entering the massive, lakeside capital city. Naturally, the most valuable real-estate was close to the terminal, and, for a moment, Talikin was concerned that Sky intended to take him out of the country, but dismissed the idea. If one cop had been a dangerous situation, an airport full of them, and customs besides, would make any such intentions daft to say the least. No, Sky didn’t keep angling towards the airport, which Tali could vaguely hear from the roar of engines overhead, but turned off onto a clean, clear side road towards the fanciest hotels in the city, the kind with imperial suites and cost eight hundred dollars per night. The fox was almost speechless as Sky pulled off the road, and onto the paving stone driveway of one of the tallest among titans: New Haven Hotel and Resort. Tali blushed just at the very thought of the place. As an aircraft technician working for the government, Tali’s salary was by no means inconsiderable, but even he would have had to save for several months to procure a room for a weekend to celebrate he and Matt’s anniversary, which he knew because he’d intended to do just that. Unfortunately, their anniversary came during the summer, where prices were highest, and Tali had had to cast aside the goal as only a pleasant dream.
Tali also knew that the security for these high-rise hotels was airtight, with the entire massive complex being surrounded by round the clock guards and frequent checkpoints. Uncomfortable with the knowledge that their car would probably be comprehensively searched before they were allowed entry, and not confident that Sky’s story about him being mentally disabled would continue to hold up, Talikin wiggled in his car-seat, and hoped that Sky knew what she was doing. To her credit, the rabbit actually seemed excited by their arrival at New Haven, which did a fair bit to lessen the fox’s concerns as they pulled up to the gate guard and booth that blocked their way.
Sky preemptively rolled down her window, a gleeful smile on her face as the guard walked over and looked at her, “Well if it isn’t bunny,” the guard, a uniformed arctic fox much like Talikin himself said with a chuckle, then turned to his partner and waved, “Open the gates, she’s with us!”
“Mark,” Sky said, looking a bit unhappy at being referred to as bunny, “Not in front of my cub, thank you.”
“Oh yeah!” The fox called Mark said, sticking his head right through the window and glancing back at Talikin, who peeped and squirmed in his seat, “Hey there, little guy. First time at New Haven, huh?”
At first Talikin just sat there, dumbfounded, and stared back at the grinning fox, then felt his cheeks burn red and his pacifier fall from his mouth, humiliated at being seen like that. But this guy, this… Mark, was so casual about all this… could this place be…
“Oh, leave my puppy alone,” Sky said, swatting the other fox playfully, “He’s got enough to worry about without you teasing him. This is just his third day.”
“Alright, alright,” Mark said, stepping back from the car, “although I think your kit needs a change, bunny.”
“H-hey!” Talikin said, speaking for the first time, and unconsciously felt himself lisp from all the time pacified, cheeks burning red from being referred to as kit, and puppy. It might be true, but he’d be damned if he was going to let them sit around and call him that!
Apparently there was a joke that Tali wasn’t in on, because the two of them just looked at him with an amused expression and giggled, then Sky patted Mark on the shoulder, “Get out of here, you goofball. It wasn’t so long ago we were all calling you piddle puppy.” Now it was the other fox’s turn to blush, and he left the car shortly after, returning to his post as Sky did up her window again and drove off down the long driveway that led up to the great front gates of the resort, done in a Latin theme, but those were only decorative and weren’t guarded.
The New Haven resort wasn’t so much a vertical hotel as it was a long, flat, complex of interwoven structures with gardens, pools, recreation facilities, spas, and all manner of other pleasures reserved for the very rich. Tali had been inside before, but only to inquire. He’d never actually stayed there. Still, it took him by surprise when Sky angled away from the main complex toward a smaller, gated parking lot with an automatic door that opened as their car approached. Inside was a much smaller, but still impressive sheltered parking lot next to a very high wall with eight feet of hedge and flowerbeds beneath it, just to make it look less imposing.
“No way…” Talikin said, very quietly as Sky got out of her car and came around the back to help him out. They were parked in the VIP section of the resort, where rooms supposedly couldn’t be acquired for any price. Sky grinned warmly up at him as she unbuckled his booster seat, letting the soggy fox wiggle free and step out of the car, cheeks red from all the embarrassment but otherwise fine. Sky took him by the paw, gently tugging him along the beautiful stone path that led up to the front gate of the VIP section, where two guards were sitting in a booth sipping coffee. They took one glance at Sky, then him, grinned, and got to opening the arched wooden door. Embarrassed and self conscious, Tali hid behind the rabbit, who gently tugged him around in front of her again. “C-can I talk, now?” Talikin asked, looking up at her and remembering her earlier order that he wasn’t allowed to use big boy talk as she had called it.
“Go ahead, sweetie,” Sky said, gently nuzzling the top of his head, “I’m proud of you. You’ve definitely earned a day of fun.”
“In… in there?” The fox asked as the door opened, and he was led up a short pathway to an automatic glass door, which slid open and the two entered.
“Of course, Tali. You’ll learn to love this place,” the rabbit said, nodding towards a desk with an old, but happy looking lioness, behind a desk. Sky adressed her, “Hello, Clara. It’s been a while.”
The lioness smiled back at her, and took a small card from a stack on the desk, “It has, indeed, Skyler. Look at you, all grown up,” she glanced from Sky to the shy little fox trying to hide behind her, “and this is Talikin, if I remember the postings correctly?”
“Well, is that your name, sweetie?” Sky said, chuckling and edging the fox forward, who just couldn’t believe how forward everyone was being about this. Talikin was quite certain this place was controlled, perhaps even owned by these… caretakers. But that would mean they had millions, potentially billions of dollars in capital. The fox’s deliberations were cut off as he realized he’d been asked a question, and, taken aback, Tali scrambled for an answer.
“Oh, uh… I’m Talikin…” He said, nodding lamely as the two women grinned and chuckled at his expense.
“He’s adorable,” the lioness said, and Tali got a sense of history between her and Sky, then continued filling out the card, “how long is he going to be staying?”
“Just the afternoon, thank you. I’ll pick him up at crom,” Sky replied, using a word that meant nothing to Talikin, and the old feline handed Sky the card.
“Playroom F, darling. Have a nice afternoon!” the lioness said, grinning warmly, “And I hope your little fox kit enjoys himself.”
“Oh, I’m sure he will,” Sky said, giggling playfully and tugging the reluctant fox further down the warmly lit wooden hallway. There were doors to either side, but Sky didn’t deviate from a straight course, leaving Tali to contemplate what was behind all of them. When they reached the end there was another sliding glass door, which opened to reveal a beautiful botanic garden, centered around a great oak tree in the center.
“Beautiful,” Talikin said, a little taken aback by everything he’d seen just recently, but most of his self-consciousness had dissolved by this point and he openly waddled across the stone path underfoot, not noticing that his shorts had rode down, and the fringe of his diaper was visible despite the onesie he was wearing below his shorts. Sky led him right across the garden, and up a slight rise to an arched doorway, through which he could smell chlorinated water and vaguely hear splashing. His nose perked, and he sniffed twice involuntarily, “Is that… food?” Talikin asked, feeling his mouth water and tail impulsively wag.
Sky only chuckled a bit, and gently scratched the fox behind the ears, “You’ll see in a few hours. Come on, cutie, let’s get you to your playroom.”
Talikin wanted to beg the obvious question, what’s a playroom, but was confident he wouldn’t get a straight answer. Besides, he trusted that anything called a playroom couldn’t be too bad, and Sky almost seemed… nostalgic about this place.
As they walked down the hallway, the sounds of splashing and smells of food amplified, and Talikin glanced around, curious. Every forty feet or so was a door, each one labeled with a letter designation. A… B… C… D…
After D was a large, arched passage running parallel through the broad hallway, and Talikin could see daylight to the left of him, but Sky hurried him past it, and the fox didn’t get the chance to look either way. “Ah, here we are,” the rabbit said, the two eventually arriving in front of a door labeled with a big, carved F on the side of a letter block that stuck out from the door. “Go on in, Tali, I’ll be back to pick you up in a few hours.”
“W-wait… you’re leaving me here?!” Talikin said, not having figured that out himself, and was aghast at the prospect. For the three days he’d been in the rabbit’s care, she’d left his side only for bed and the occasional nap time, and she’d always been within earshot. The idea of her not being there was as foreign to the fox as her presence had been forty eight hours before. He depended on her, more than he ever imagined he could on one person, and that he was about to be left at this place, for whatever amount of time… it felt like abandonment.
“Oh, sweetie,” Sky said, backpedaling right away, “I know it can be hard to leave your caretaker the first time. We all go through it… but you have to trust me,” she took both Talikin’s paws in her, and leaned right down to the fox’s face, looking as sincere as ever he could have asked, “Trust me like I trust you, Talikin. I’ll be back this afternoon… don’t you worry.”
“O-okay…” Talikin murmured, feeling oddly emotional, and happily accepted a kiss on the cheek. “P-promise you’ll be back?” He pressed, feeling tiny and vulnerable and almost quivering with anxiety at the parting.
“I promise, I’d never leave you Talikin,” Sky said, putting the fox’s fears to rest, and pulled him into a hug, “now hop on inside before you’re missed, cutie,” she said, stepping back and smiling, "Besides, I’ve got a little someone here that will watch over you while I’m gone.” She took off a small backpack that she’d been carrying, which Tali had thus far assumed to be full of diapers or some such, then turned back, holding a fluffy little bunny plush and smiling at him, “You’ve got lots of plushies at home, but this one’s special.” She winked at him, and Talikin tentatively took the little bunny.
“Oh… soft,” the fox said, momentarily forgetting about the impending parting as he hugged the downy soft toy to his belly, burying his short snout into the floppy ears as his eyes began to water, “F-fankyoo…” he said, sniffling, and felt Sky gently pushing his head back so she could pop his pacifier back into his maw.
“He’ll be here for you while I’m gone,” Sky said, gently turning the reluctant fox around, and giving his soaked bottom a pat towards the door. Talikin walked over without fear now, his apprehensions greatly reduced by his new companion, and reached for the doorknob just as the door swung outward, revealing a brightly lit and gaily colored interior half blocked by a tall, smiling mare in the same gray sweatshirt and pants that seemed to be caretaker uniform, hands tucked into the center pocket, and looked down at the confused, uncomfortable little fox, general sounds of merriment coming from within the playroom.
“Well hello there,” the mare said in a warm, happy voice, and reached over to gently nudge Talikin through the door, “We’ve been wondering what’s been taking you so long. All the others get excited whenever a new cub comes along.”
“O-others…?” The fox asked, feeling Sky’s hand on his wrist replaced by the mare’s, which tugged him gently inside the room, face pink, and Talikin got, as he had been promised, his first glimpse of what these people, these… caretakers, were all about, and all his fear and anxiety vanished.
This story took me several hours to write. If it entertained you, tell me so by hitting the fave button! If you're feeling generous, drop me a comment down below. I read and appreciate every one
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Like what I write? Well, I happen to have a magic portal that makes your dreams come true when you offer it a sacrifice! Access it via the commission link on my profile!
Please comment and tell me what you think!
Story Text: (FA formatting is crap. Download to read it the way it was meant to be read.)
The Vacant Years: Chapter 14
Chapter 14
After the incident with the police officer had passed, the rest of the drive went by without another hitch. Sky turned off the infantile music, clearly seeing that Talikin had turned down a golden opportunity out of affection for her, and drove on in silence, the soaked fox in the back doing what he could to piece together his reasoning for his actions. He could have, with a word, sent his caretaker to jail, his kidnapper, the person who had torn him away from everything comfortable and familiar, and forced him into the role of a toddler without any apparent cause. But… It was more complicated than that. Despite all that she had done to him, Tali was unconvinced that she had meant him harm. The diapers, the milk feedings, the crib… it was all part of a larger game, a psychological and emotional chess piece battle that he simply didn’t yet see the point of yet. Surely there had to be a purpose, and it had to be good enough for Sky, who had been taken by this organization of theirs as well, and underwent a similar treatment to the one Talikin was currently receiving, to join their ranks and aid their cause.
Tali’s deliberations were put on the back-burner as Sky pulled off the highway and into the entertainment district, which the fox had predicted was their ultimate destination. It was a Monday morning, which meant that the region, dominated by clubs, bars, movie theaters, hotels, restaurants, a sports center, a theme park, and plenty of curiosities, was nearly empty. The only cars that the fox could see were either extremely luxurious or taxis, neither of which looked out of place under the forest of neon marquees. Talikin didn’t know the area well enough to judge where he was being taken, but, as the CRV entered into the hotel and resort dominated section of the district, the selection narrowed considerably.
The district was directly adjacent to the city’s largest airport, and thus an extremely profitable tourist trap for anyone entering the massive, lakeside capital city. Naturally, the most valuable real-estate was close to the terminal, and, for a moment, Talikin was concerned that Sky intended to take him out of the country, but dismissed the idea. If one cop had been a dangerous situation, an airport full of them, and customs besides, would make any such intentions daft to say the least. No, Sky didn’t keep angling towards the airport, which Tali could vaguely hear from the roar of engines overhead, but turned off onto a clean, clear side road towards the fanciest hotels in the city, the kind with imperial suites and cost eight hundred dollars per night. The fox was almost speechless as Sky pulled off the road, and onto the paving stone driveway of one of the tallest among titans: New Haven Hotel and Resort. Tali blushed just at the very thought of the place. As an aircraft technician working for the government, Tali’s salary was by no means inconsiderable, but even he would have had to save for several months to procure a room for a weekend to celebrate he and Matt’s anniversary, which he knew because he’d intended to do just that. Unfortunately, their anniversary came during the summer, where prices were highest, and Tali had had to cast aside the goal as only a pleasant dream.
Tali also knew that the security for these high-rise hotels was airtight, with the entire massive complex being surrounded by round the clock guards and frequent checkpoints. Uncomfortable with the knowledge that their car would probably be comprehensively searched before they were allowed entry, and not confident that Sky’s story about him being mentally disabled would continue to hold up, Talikin wiggled in his car-seat, and hoped that Sky knew what she was doing. To her credit, the rabbit actually seemed excited by their arrival at New Haven, which did a fair bit to lessen the fox’s concerns as they pulled up to the gate guard and booth that blocked their way.
Sky preemptively rolled down her window, a gleeful smile on her face as the guard walked over and looked at her, “Well if it isn’t bunny,” the guard, a uniformed arctic fox much like Talikin himself said with a chuckle, then turned to his partner and waved, “Open the gates, she’s with us!”
“Mark,” Sky said, looking a bit unhappy at being referred to as bunny, “Not in front of my cub, thank you.”
“Oh yeah!” The fox called Mark said, sticking his head right through the window and glancing back at Talikin, who peeped and squirmed in his seat, “Hey there, little guy. First time at New Haven, huh?”
At first Talikin just sat there, dumbfounded, and stared back at the grinning fox, then felt his cheeks burn red and his pacifier fall from his mouth, humiliated at being seen like that. But this guy, this… Mark, was so casual about all this… could this place be…
“Oh, leave my puppy alone,” Sky said, swatting the other fox playfully, “He’s got enough to worry about without you teasing him. This is just his third day.”
“Alright, alright,” Mark said, stepping back from the car, “although I think your kit needs a change, bunny.”
“H-hey!” Talikin said, speaking for the first time, and unconsciously felt himself lisp from all the time pacified, cheeks burning red from being referred to as kit, and puppy. It might be true, but he’d be damned if he was going to let them sit around and call him that!
Apparently there was a joke that Tali wasn’t in on, because the two of them just looked at him with an amused expression and giggled, then Sky patted Mark on the shoulder, “Get out of here, you goofball. It wasn’t so long ago we were all calling you piddle puppy.” Now it was the other fox’s turn to blush, and he left the car shortly after, returning to his post as Sky did up her window again and drove off down the long driveway that led up to the great front gates of the resort, done in a Latin theme, but those were only decorative and weren’t guarded.
The New Haven resort wasn’t so much a vertical hotel as it was a long, flat, complex of interwoven structures with gardens, pools, recreation facilities, spas, and all manner of other pleasures reserved for the very rich. Tali had been inside before, but only to inquire. He’d never actually stayed there. Still, it took him by surprise when Sky angled away from the main complex toward a smaller, gated parking lot with an automatic door that opened as their car approached. Inside was a much smaller, but still impressive sheltered parking lot next to a very high wall with eight feet of hedge and flowerbeds beneath it, just to make it look less imposing.
“No way…” Talikin said, very quietly as Sky got out of her car and came around the back to help him out. They were parked in the VIP section of the resort, where rooms supposedly couldn’t be acquired for any price. Sky grinned warmly up at him as she unbuckled his booster seat, letting the soggy fox wiggle free and step out of the car, cheeks red from all the embarrassment but otherwise fine. Sky took him by the paw, gently tugging him along the beautiful stone path that led up to the front gate of the VIP section, where two guards were sitting in a booth sipping coffee. They took one glance at Sky, then him, grinned, and got to opening the arched wooden door. Embarrassed and self conscious, Tali hid behind the rabbit, who gently tugged him around in front of her again. “C-can I talk, now?” Talikin asked, looking up at her and remembering her earlier order that he wasn’t allowed to use big boy talk as she had called it.
“Go ahead, sweetie,” Sky said, gently nuzzling the top of his head, “I’m proud of you. You’ve definitely earned a day of fun.”
“In… in there?” The fox asked as the door opened, and he was led up a short pathway to an automatic glass door, which slid open and the two entered.
“Of course, Tali. You’ll learn to love this place,” the rabbit said, nodding towards a desk with an old, but happy looking lioness, behind a desk. Sky adressed her, “Hello, Clara. It’s been a while.”
The lioness smiled back at her, and took a small card from a stack on the desk, “It has, indeed, Skyler. Look at you, all grown up,” she glanced from Sky to the shy little fox trying to hide behind her, “and this is Talikin, if I remember the postings correctly?”
“Well, is that your name, sweetie?” Sky said, chuckling and edging the fox forward, who just couldn’t believe how forward everyone was being about this. Talikin was quite certain this place was controlled, perhaps even owned by these… caretakers. But that would mean they had millions, potentially billions of dollars in capital. The fox’s deliberations were cut off as he realized he’d been asked a question, and, taken aback, Tali scrambled for an answer.
“Oh, uh… I’m Talikin…” He said, nodding lamely as the two women grinned and chuckled at his expense.
“He’s adorable,” the lioness said, and Tali got a sense of history between her and Sky, then continued filling out the card, “how long is he going to be staying?”
“Just the afternoon, thank you. I’ll pick him up at crom,” Sky replied, using a word that meant nothing to Talikin, and the old feline handed Sky the card.
“Playroom F, darling. Have a nice afternoon!” the lioness said, grinning warmly, “And I hope your little fox kit enjoys himself.”
“Oh, I’m sure he will,” Sky said, giggling playfully and tugging the reluctant fox further down the warmly lit wooden hallway. There were doors to either side, but Sky didn’t deviate from a straight course, leaving Tali to contemplate what was behind all of them. When they reached the end there was another sliding glass door, which opened to reveal a beautiful botanic garden, centered around a great oak tree in the center.
“Beautiful,” Talikin said, a little taken aback by everything he’d seen just recently, but most of his self-consciousness had dissolved by this point and he openly waddled across the stone path underfoot, not noticing that his shorts had rode down, and the fringe of his diaper was visible despite the onesie he was wearing below his shorts. Sky led him right across the garden, and up a slight rise to an arched doorway, through which he could smell chlorinated water and vaguely hear splashing. His nose perked, and he sniffed twice involuntarily, “Is that… food?” Talikin asked, feeling his mouth water and tail impulsively wag.
Sky only chuckled a bit, and gently scratched the fox behind the ears, “You’ll see in a few hours. Come on, cutie, let’s get you to your playroom.”
Talikin wanted to beg the obvious question, what’s a playroom, but was confident he wouldn’t get a straight answer. Besides, he trusted that anything called a playroom couldn’t be too bad, and Sky almost seemed… nostalgic about this place.
As they walked down the hallway, the sounds of splashing and smells of food amplified, and Talikin glanced around, curious. Every forty feet or so was a door, each one labeled with a letter designation. A… B… C… D…
After D was a large, arched passage running parallel through the broad hallway, and Talikin could see daylight to the left of him, but Sky hurried him past it, and the fox didn’t get the chance to look either way. “Ah, here we are,” the rabbit said, the two eventually arriving in front of a door labeled with a big, carved F on the side of a letter block that stuck out from the door. “Go on in, Tali, I’ll be back to pick you up in a few hours.”
“W-wait… you’re leaving me here?!” Talikin said, not having figured that out himself, and was aghast at the prospect. For the three days he’d been in the rabbit’s care, she’d left his side only for bed and the occasional nap time, and she’d always been within earshot. The idea of her not being there was as foreign to the fox as her presence had been forty eight hours before. He depended on her, more than he ever imagined he could on one person, and that he was about to be left at this place, for whatever amount of time… it felt like abandonment.
“Oh, sweetie,” Sky said, backpedaling right away, “I know it can be hard to leave your caretaker the first time. We all go through it… but you have to trust me,” she took both Talikin’s paws in her, and leaned right down to the fox’s face, looking as sincere as ever he could have asked, “Trust me like I trust you, Talikin. I’ll be back this afternoon… don’t you worry.”
“O-okay…” Talikin murmured, feeling oddly emotional, and happily accepted a kiss on the cheek. “P-promise you’ll be back?” He pressed, feeling tiny and vulnerable and almost quivering with anxiety at the parting.
“I promise, I’d never leave you Talikin,” Sky said, putting the fox’s fears to rest, and pulled him into a hug, “now hop on inside before you’re missed, cutie,” she said, stepping back and smiling, "Besides, I’ve got a little someone here that will watch over you while I’m gone.” She took off a small backpack that she’d been carrying, which Tali had thus far assumed to be full of diapers or some such, then turned back, holding a fluffy little bunny plush and smiling at him, “You’ve got lots of plushies at home, but this one’s special.” She winked at him, and Talikin tentatively took the little bunny.
“Oh… soft,” the fox said, momentarily forgetting about the impending parting as he hugged the downy soft toy to his belly, burying his short snout into the floppy ears as his eyes began to water, “F-fankyoo…” he said, sniffling, and felt Sky gently pushing his head back so she could pop his pacifier back into his maw.
“He’ll be here for you while I’m gone,” Sky said, gently turning the reluctant fox around, and giving his soaked bottom a pat towards the door. Talikin walked over without fear now, his apprehensions greatly reduced by his new companion, and reached for the doorknob just as the door swung outward, revealing a brightly lit and gaily colored interior half blocked by a tall, smiling mare in the same gray sweatshirt and pants that seemed to be caretaker uniform, hands tucked into the center pocket, and looked down at the confused, uncomfortable little fox, general sounds of merriment coming from within the playroom.
“Well hello there,” the mare said in a warm, happy voice, and reached over to gently nudge Talikin through the door, “We’ve been wondering what’s been taking you so long. All the others get excited whenever a new cub comes along.”
“O-others…?” The fox asked, feeling Sky’s hand on his wrist replaced by the mare’s, which tugged him gently inside the room, face pink, and Talikin got, as he had been promised, his first glimpse of what these people, these… caretakers, were all about, and all his fear and anxiety vanished.
Category Story / Baby fur
Species Vulpine (Other)
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 60.9 kB
Listed in Folders
Oh, man, that was riveting!~
Although, I think mentioning Sky's "history" with New Haven twice is one time too many. I'm not sure why it's what I feel like mentioning in a comment, but it kinda tore me out of the narrative the second time when Talikin was walking behind her. Just a thought. :o
Although, I think mentioning Sky's "history" with New Haven twice is one time too many. I'm not sure why it's what I feel like mentioning in a comment, but it kinda tore me out of the narrative the second time when Talikin was walking behind her. Just a thought. :o
Gawd, my memory just seems to suck whenever I try to say something serious; I thought there was a specific mention about Sky having a "history" with New Haven during the brief encounter with the gate guard, but I guess that was just me.
The sentence I was talking about is this one: "Talikin wanted to beg the obvious question, what’s a playroom, but was confident he wouldn’t get a straight answer. Besides, he trusted that anything called a playroom couldn’t be too bad, and Sky almost seemed… nostalgic about this place."
Sky's familiarity with the personnel at New Haven and general giddiness already very, very openly implies her familiarity and history with the place. It makes your openly calling her "nostalgic" feel more like something you as the writer are telling the reader rather than something that would be noticed by Talikin's narrative point of view, which, y'know, makes for a rough ride for the reader.
It's up to you to decide if you wanna do anything. S'just my two cents. I don't think it majorly detracts from the experience, since it's quite a little thing.
The sentence I was talking about is this one: "Talikin wanted to beg the obvious question, what’s a playroom, but was confident he wouldn’t get a straight answer. Besides, he trusted that anything called a playroom couldn’t be too bad, and Sky almost seemed… nostalgic about this place."
Sky's familiarity with the personnel at New Haven and general giddiness already very, very openly implies her familiarity and history with the place. It makes your openly calling her "nostalgic" feel more like something you as the writer are telling the reader rather than something that would be noticed by Talikin's narrative point of view, which, y'know, makes for a rough ride for the reader.
It's up to you to decide if you wanna do anything. S'just my two cents. I don't think it majorly detracts from the experience, since it's quite a little thing.
Well, get ready for another eight chapters XD I'm on Ch. 21 right now, so I've got some uploading to do. New stories/chapters every day for the rest of the month!
And yes, but it's already been explained that Sky, and all junior caretakers in fact, were once initiates themselves. It should follow a path of reason that she would have fond memories of New Haven, though I'll get into much greater detail down the road.
And yes, but it's already been explained that Sky, and all junior caretakers in fact, were once initiates themselves. It should follow a path of reason that she would have fond memories of New Haven, though I'll get into much greater detail down the road.
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