Here is this another little not-so-little something I've made during these days. It was finished this evening but had to go out and it wasn't possible to lag writing this.

Yusss I'm working a lot in non-commission things lately. As I've said I'm outta home more often because of the festivities here and when I come home it's like omfg so tired wow work no please (be prepared for the word "then")........... let's draw feelings for some minutes and then cry because of my fears and unsuccessful exams then go and see the super-adorable-6-bean-dog-puppies that the dragon's dog gave birth today then back home again then chat with the friendos then sleep for 4 hours and then wake up and go for another damn lunch what I actually love because I'm eating like a lot and gaining weight- hell that was freakin necessary but I can't see how much since last weekend because the cat pissed my scale so it broke. YES. She did that. She betrayed me. And she makes my t-shirts be full of fur everytime. Dang girl.
ANYWAY. Then then then then repeat it all but varying in content. Okay. *coughs and breaths again* XD
I'm sorry I'm a totally loafer with my commissions, tho. But little by little, at least.

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Here we go, though. Stop reading if you're seeking for drama or if you don't feel like to read. Nobody is obligated to read it.

This is a gift for the person that encourages me the most during my worse times, that worries more about me and the one that has accepted me by how I am from the beginning.
As an early Bday gift as it's next month, or just as a gift because I know her lately days are being strange.
We’ve passed through difficult moments, we even didn't talk each other for like a year. /Almost/ 2 years ago I made her a drawing of our 'sonas for her birthday and oh god she's the one that appreciates more the shitty things I do. Like... she kept a really crappy drawing for 2 years. It was really crappy. Okay. I can't even--
...
Oh no, she's not perfect, I'm not neither, no no no, we are not perfect as noone is, and times are not always fun, but tears aren't only because of sadness, know ya?. I've learnt too much about people and it seems my shitty heart has become a damn piece of hard dried crap :D. But the fact of being beside a person that makes you feel happy, not even being your partner... Not mattering the way each one is, and the defects each one has. Just forgetting about those fucking bitter things. Focusing on being happy and have nice moments. Some words going out from a specify person's soul, that single being, who knows you well enough as just to know what happens to you by the way you're talking, or with how fucking half closed are your eyes or a damn suspire you drop that anyone would even realize about. That. That thing can change the world for a person.

Ha ha I don't even trust anyone, I'm so paranoid that I can't even say I completely trust on her even considering her my best friend and beyond that I'm moving away of the fandom little by little. And I mean the fandom, because the anthro/furry essence and everything what's really nice and worthy, oh, that will just be with me all over my life, forever. I love it. Those other whole things are disappointing me, tho. I've met nice persons but the majority of the people is something I don't want to talk about. No, I don't feel superior to anyone, ;) , and in fact I have to struggle with a shitty-as-hell down self esteem because I tend to make people get tired of me, oh yes, it seems I'm a completely overpost person and I do nothing for people nor care about them. Don't worry! I already know it, I'm aware of the situation. Everything's full of lies, and I can't stand this, I don't like to talk about this whole giant ball of crap. But someone has to do it, and it's my turn this time.
The last three years of my life have been literally seen by me from my own dark, grubby, deep hole. Too many feelings, boy. Too many people, tons of feet stepping the borders of the darn hole. Some people tried to pull the person out. They all got tired of getting their hands dirty because of a being who didn't even worth it. Three years are not an eternity, but counting them as days if they were three exact years, it would be more of a thousand days struggling with the fucking sensation of being a piece of trash. One thousand days, the worst of my "life", because I didn't even lived them.

Oh, dear, suicide always seemed to be the best choice. I've never had that courage, tho. I remember when I was 11 and my mother took me by the first time to the psychiatrist. When she asked me if I ever thought on suicide and I said "no" because my mother was beside me and I was friggin 11 okay. That's not what a child thinks about. They treated me of depression at age eleven, ha ha. Totally. I don't absolutely know what would have happened if I'd say "yes". I would be probably in a psychiatric residency now and I would be there all happy hitting my head against a padded wall and not having to write my things anywhere.
Struggling with suicidal shit kept inside you is only a way to feel worse each day that passes. I am here, I am thinking on doing an outrage each day, having passed through ten years of that bullshit, having passed through the possibly three worst years of my life, I am here thinking about people and about facts, I am here now that my life seemed to change to better. And I do, I do think about that. I... do think...
I've seen how people react about talking of suicidal thoughts on internet. And hey, you, open your eyes. Did you know? It is real. It happens. A lot, it happens everyday, it occurs everytime. And sometimes it's just a true fact because someone needed to talk about it and didn't do it because of any reason.
People tend to run away when a person has problems. Sometimes that person have troubles with life because nobody has the guts to stay by their side and gift them a freakin sincere smile without any fucking lie after it.

I am a transgender person myself. Ooooh, the gender game. Know what? I've known that there's a fucking twenty five more porcentage of suicides when it comes to transgender individuals. It's fucking hard, know you? I'm not even using it as an excuse, when I was 11 I didn't know why the hell I was feeling so bad. But oh my god. Being aware of that deeply hurts my heart.
It IS hard. It is, damn. What is exactly what doesn't fit on people's heads? "It's just a phase". Their child just said they wanna chop their penis because feels that they're a girl and the fucking parents think that's a phase. I'm at least relieved that one was not my case, but I wish I have known and said how I felt when I was much younger. It has been eating me from the inside, choking me little by little. Killing me in life, that's how it feels. You couldn't guess how freakin relieved I felt when I knew who I am. When I told it to my family months ago. When I started living again. And I feel like a child... But this child is still trapped because the damn hole is not a thing that's easy to go out of. Humans have the power to drown themselves to the mental death because of feelings.
I will never feel as a cisgender person feels about their body, I know it. Dysphoria is a daily deal, it becomes worse each day, the mirror shows me what I don't want to see,I don't see my own self there, just a... kind of shell... that was not designed as it was pretended to be. Twenty years feeling strange, feeling that didn't fit anywhere, with anyone, not knowing why. A freak. But I have to keep myself up, because that's what life is about. Magic changes don't happen, but I could kinda make this look like they happen. That's what trans people have to deal with I guess...?
I'm glad I have someone who inspires me to keep strong, a person who's going through the same and I'm thankful they're sharing their experience to help people like me.

Stuff occurred lately, tho. And I've tried to hang on. Oh dude, I'm tryin freakin hard, you couldn't know. And I still think of it everyday, about what would have happened, about why my dang dreams can never come true. I've stopped dreaming actually. That's fair. Then those things... those bad things nobody should think because could make you finish with the only thing that's truly yours here. Thanks goddess I have costants. I thank life for bringing me constants, oh please. I thank life because when I'm thinking about something really bad, when I'm hurting myself because it feels well, because I deserve it, because I prefer to be hurt myself instead of punching anyone, I fucking thank life for making people talk to me in the just moment where my mind is already starting to stab my own brain.

Wanna know why I did this drawing?
Because she has saved me not once but too many times. Because she doesn't expect something that knows it's impossible from me. Because she doesn't wanna change the way I am. Because she has been up there in the border, maybe on her own psychologic hole as it's mine; not trying to force something but waiting for the appropriate moment with a smile on her face, offering me warm and calming glances when they were needed.
Because she holds my hands when I’m down and I’m here to hold hers, and I would dance in this difficult life theater at her side with a smile in our faces even if the world collapses.
Because I feel safer knowing she's near, and I love her.

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Some of those things are stuff that I've never said before. Why am I saying it here, in a relatively public place? Because you guys, sometimes think that words and deeds don't hurt. And they do, they can wreak havoc and they can make people drown themselves inside. And those things are real.