A Rose in a Field

When I thought up this image yesterday, it was so much better than this in my head, and the description I had for it was much more rich, but I'll try anyway.

I often hear people say the phrase "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" and now I feel a connection to that phrase. I didn't always love you. In fact, I hated you. You were terrible to me. I was scared of you and I wanted to be free from everything that you were. Fortunately, I grew up and I learned compassion, understanding and forgiveness. I learned that good people do bad things. Sometimes they're caught in a vortex of despair that causes them to continue their bad behavior for a long time. You don't turn your back on those people, you reach out and help them. You are a good person who did very bad things. I didn't know the difference then, but I can see it now. I'm sorry I turned my back on you. I just didn't know any better then.

I see your flaws and I see your pain and your loneliness and I -understand- now why you did those things. You didn't do them because you hated me. It -wasn't- all my fault. In fact, you found healing in trying to be a better person for me. When I saw that, I began to question my feelings for you. Was it fair for me to judge you based on those actions? That will always be a part of me and it has shaped who I am now, for better or for worse, but it no longer has a hold on how I feel about you. Despite how badly it hurts now, I'm so grateful that I learned to love you. You needed my love the whole time, but I refused to give it to you. I thought you didn't deserve it. You didn't earn it. The truth is, you deserved it the whole time. No one would give it to you, and so you continued on in your hopeless misery. Somehow you were able to make it through all by yourself. Your love for me brought you back to the light, even though at the time, I ignored your calls, ignored your letters, and wanted nothing to do with you. You still fought.

And here we are now. I wish we had more time. I wish you could stay long enough to meet my baby. To see our hard work pay off. I want to reward you for everything you've done. I want to make up for all of the time I spent bitter, afraid, alone, scared and angry at you. For the time you spent crying, alone, regretting. Even just 5 more years would be enough. I'm not ready to let go yet. We're building an empire and I was hoping we could share it with you. The timing is terrible. I already miss you.