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(Story by Koviell Sashermasock)
Ilfeim, the far eastern continent in this world. A long war between the Northern and Southern part finally come to an end. It's been 10 years that the two parts were finally united. Now the old warships are converted into transport cargo to trade goods with Ishtar and Torabia. I, Ashio Icustis, is the owner of a cargo ship and his main engineer. The war may have ended a while ago, but it's still a pain to live here : the rain, the cold, the smog covering the sky and the diseases spreading. It's not a wonderful place, but it is my homeland.
One day, I hope to get enough enough coins to go elsewhere. I can't affort to buy enough fuel to move either to Torabia or Isthar; fuel is expensive. For now, I trade supply between cities. Not a difficult task, most of the time. This is where my story begins, in the ship hangar.
My ship needed some fixes on the balloon. The heater was partially broken. Just need the right tool and my precious hammer. Work, work, work, I can't buy another one of those. It must be fixed.
"Monsieur Icustis? Monsieur Icustis?" Said a voice coming from below.
"It's me. I'm up there, under the balloon. Who are you?"
"I'm Monsieur Mortierre, I got a letter for you." Said the voice.
I look down to see a well dressed half elf. He must be middle aged, since his hair is getting grey. He is light skinned. He's wearing a black suit, a cape and a hat. Interesting from a messenger.
"May you read it out loud, it took me a while to get up there, I don't want to get down now."
"Certainement." Said Monsieur Mortierre before opening and reading the letter.
"Wait wait wait a minute. It's a letter from Lord Laeron himself?"
"Oui, mon ami. He personally asked me to bring you this letter." Said Monsieur Mortierre.
"Tell him that I'm not interested. I don't want him to contact me again. I don't want more job from him."
"Très bien, I shall tell him your decision. I'll leave this letter on the table. Au revoirs." Said Monsieur Mortierre before leaving.
Why would Lord Laeron contact me again? I personally told him to get lost since my last job with him. Heh, I would like to forget about it. Okay now, this thing should work with a last hit with the hammer there... And I did it, it works. The heater works again. It does make a strange noise, but I'll call this a day. It's time for a drink.
I get down the balloon frame and pick up the letter before leaving. Better not leave this around. I make sure everything is locked and I get out of the hangar.
It's the evening. It's raining outside. I cross the street. Different merchant closing their shop for the night. There is an heavy smell of smoke in the air tonight. It's getting a bit cold here. It's dark, I can't see very far even with the street light. I get in the alley.
Mmm... This place is still dirty. At least the rain will clean or push away debris here. I can see a man on the ground. I go check and push him a little bit.
"Are you okay?"
No answers. I turn him on his back and a see blood leaking from a hole in his head; this guy is dead. Probably suicide. He smells alcohol, maybe he just spend all his money at the bar and he couldn't afford to live anymore. This is a sad place to end your days; you'll just go to waste.
Now focus... focus... focus... Mmm... If this guy had a gun, he doesn't have it anymore. Someone probably picked him up. No ID card, nothing worth on him except his coat. I have no idea who it might be. Better leave him here, there is nothing else I can do for him. I hope you'll be better in the other world. Now I leave the alley for another street.
I need a drink. The bar is in this direction there are a few people walking nearby. One did greet me before moving on. Do I know him? Maybe, maybe not. And then this poorly dressed lady bumped into me.
"Hey mon trésor, tu as envie de faire la fête?" Said the lady.
"Pas intéressé."
"Mais tu es la moitié de la taille d'un homme, pour toi c'est moitié prix."Said the lady.
"Shoo! Fout le camp, je ne veux pas de toi."
"Connard!" Said the lady, before she spit at my feet and go bother someone else in the street.
What a whore, literally. Heh. At the bar, someone gets thrown out of the place.
"I swear that I had that money. I swear... hic!" Said the drunken guy.
"If you get there again without the coins, you won't be able to walk again. This is your last warning." Said the pusher, before going back in.
I look at the drunken guy, I hope he will learn his lesson. Now I get in the bar. Inside, lots of people drinking. Some are smoking too. The air is uncomfortable. I get to a table in the corner with a high stool seat. I didn't wait long for a waiter to show up.
"What would you want to order tonight?" Asked the waiter.
"Something strong in a clean glass. I got the coin to pay."
"Sure. I'll be back in a minute." Said the waiter before going to see the barman.
This place needs a window for the ones that tries to breathe right, geez. I see the waiter come back and place my drink on the table.
"How much it will be?"
"Someone already paid for your order. He's right there." Said the waiter, before pointing a guy on another table.
I look at this guy, I'm well aware of who it is.
"Take this anyway. Get yourself a drink."
I give a coin to the waiter.
"Merci." Said the waiter, before he goes serve someone else.
The guy at the other table come by and sit at my table. He's a lizardman, of mixed race. His scales are brown and black. He's wearing a dark grey suit with a cape and a hat of the same colour. He had in hand a silver cane.
"Bonsoir, it is a pleasure to see you again, mon ami." Said the Lizardman.
"What are you doing here Lord Laeron, what do you want from me?"
"Bien bien, I did send to you my messenger to give you a letter and it seems like you didn't accept my offer. What a pity." Said Lord Laeron.
"Look pal, don't play the good old friends with me. You do know that I didn't want to see you anymore."
"Same for me, mon ami. I just wanted to know if everything goes bad for you. I hope it does." Said Lord Laeron.
"After what? Stealing my cargo and break most of Joyeuse? This baby took a while to repair."
"That ship is still moving? Impressionnant. I was sure that this thing wouldn't move again." Said Lord Laeron, before laughing.
"You find this funny to piss me off?"
"Actually yes, mon ami. It just shows how better I am." Said Lord Laeron.
Oh god, he pisses me off so much. I hope he will fall down somewhere and be lost forever. Why is he there.
"So tell me, Why are you really there?"
"You see, mon ami. I despise you. You could have been such a great servant if you would have joined my crew instead of keeping that piece of junk that can barely fly." Said Lord Laeron.
"Barely fly? Joyeuse was a good ship before you break it up!"
"Break? Non non non non non. That junk would have crashed soon or later, I simply helped you notice it." Said Lord Laeron.
"Sure, thanks for nothing."
"There is another thing that annoys me with you." Said Lord Laeron.
"Tell me something I don't know already."
"You see, you're some kind of pest, a rodent that we should dispose of. You think that you're good at something? You're not. You should be thankful for saying this." Said Lord Laeron
What a jerk. If his plan was to piss me off, he succeeds. Always making fun of me, pestering me off and now being a jerk here. He has something in mind. I know.
I look at him, always boasting about himself, he should learn that there is more in this world than him. He... He's searching for something. I know what it is. I pick my gun hidden under my coat and point it at his face. He did had his gun in hand, pointing at my face.
"Mmm.. Good reflexes. That's probably I find good for yourself." Said Lord Laeron.
"You would dare to shoot at someone, just like that, in a bar, with everyone watching?"
"Don't you forget that I have far enough coins to bribe everyone in this room, so they simply saw a pest killing himself after losing all his coins in a game of chance? I could kill you right now and no one will bother to even ask what happened here. Boom, no more pest anymore and I won, like always." Said Lord Laeron.
He grins. So this was his plan? Dispose of me. You can be sure I'm quite happy to have my weapon in hand, this time. The room was now silent. Everyone was looking at us. I didn't hear any whispers. It was between you and me Lord Laeron. I must be sure of what to do.
…
…
* Bang *
…
…
* Bang *
(Story by Koviell Sashermasock)
Ilfeim, the far eastern continent in this world. A long war between the Northern and Southern part finally come to an end. It's been 10 years that the two parts were finally united. Now the old warships are converted into transport cargo to trade goods with Ishtar and Torabia. I, Ashio Icustis, is the owner of a cargo ship and his main engineer. The war may have ended a while ago, but it's still a pain to live here : the rain, the cold, the smog covering the sky and the diseases spreading. It's not a wonderful place, but it is my homeland.
One day, I hope to get enough enough coins to go elsewhere. I can't affort to buy enough fuel to move either to Torabia or Isthar; fuel is expensive. For now, I trade supply between cities. Not a difficult task, most of the time. This is where my story begins, in the ship hangar.
My ship needed some fixes on the balloon. The heater was partially broken. Just need the right tool and my precious hammer. Work, work, work, I can't buy another one of those. It must be fixed.
"Monsieur Icustis? Monsieur Icustis?" Said a voice coming from below.
"It's me. I'm up there, under the balloon. Who are you?"
"I'm Monsieur Mortierre, I got a letter for you." Said the voice.
I look down to see a well dressed half elf. He must be middle aged, since his hair is getting grey. He is light skinned. He's wearing a black suit, a cape and a hat. Interesting from a messenger.
"May you read it out loud, it took me a while to get up there, I don't want to get down now."
"Certainement." Said Monsieur Mortierre before opening and reading the letter.
Dear mister Icustis,
I send you this letter because I have an offer for you.
You see, we're in difficult times and your ship could be useful
to move special 'goods' from here to another place where they
could dispose of it. It's an offer that you can't refuse.
You'll get a good pay for that job, I can guarantee this to you.
Best wishes, Lord Laeron.
"Wait wait wait a minute. It's a letter from Lord Laeron himself?"
"Oui, mon ami. He personally asked me to bring you this letter." Said Monsieur Mortierre.
"Tell him that I'm not interested. I don't want him to contact me again. I don't want more job from him."
"Très bien, I shall tell him your decision. I'll leave this letter on the table. Au revoirs." Said Monsieur Mortierre before leaving.
Why would Lord Laeron contact me again? I personally told him to get lost since my last job with him. Heh, I would like to forget about it. Okay now, this thing should work with a last hit with the hammer there... And I did it, it works. The heater works again. It does make a strange noise, but I'll call this a day. It's time for a drink.
I get down the balloon frame and pick up the letter before leaving. Better not leave this around. I make sure everything is locked and I get out of the hangar.
It's the evening. It's raining outside. I cross the street. Different merchant closing their shop for the night. There is an heavy smell of smoke in the air tonight. It's getting a bit cold here. It's dark, I can't see very far even with the street light. I get in the alley.
Mmm... This place is still dirty. At least the rain will clean or push away debris here. I can see a man on the ground. I go check and push him a little bit.
"Are you okay?"
No answers. I turn him on his back and a see blood leaking from a hole in his head; this guy is dead. Probably suicide. He smells alcohol, maybe he just spend all his money at the bar and he couldn't afford to live anymore. This is a sad place to end your days; you'll just go to waste.
Now focus... focus... focus... Mmm... If this guy had a gun, he doesn't have it anymore. Someone probably picked him up. No ID card, nothing worth on him except his coat. I have no idea who it might be. Better leave him here, there is nothing else I can do for him. I hope you'll be better in the other world. Now I leave the alley for another street.
I need a drink. The bar is in this direction there are a few people walking nearby. One did greet me before moving on. Do I know him? Maybe, maybe not. And then this poorly dressed lady bumped into me.
"Hey mon trésor, tu as envie de faire la fête?" Said the lady.
"Pas intéressé."
"Mais tu es la moitié de la taille d'un homme, pour toi c'est moitié prix."Said the lady.
"Shoo! Fout le camp, je ne veux pas de toi."
"Connard!" Said the lady, before she spit at my feet and go bother someone else in the street.
What a whore, literally. Heh. At the bar, someone gets thrown out of the place.
"I swear that I had that money. I swear... hic!" Said the drunken guy.
"If you get there again without the coins, you won't be able to walk again. This is your last warning." Said the pusher, before going back in.
I look at the drunken guy, I hope he will learn his lesson. Now I get in the bar. Inside, lots of people drinking. Some are smoking too. The air is uncomfortable. I get to a table in the corner with a high stool seat. I didn't wait long for a waiter to show up.
"What would you want to order tonight?" Asked the waiter.
"Something strong in a clean glass. I got the coin to pay."
"Sure. I'll be back in a minute." Said the waiter before going to see the barman.
This place needs a window for the ones that tries to breathe right, geez. I see the waiter come back and place my drink on the table.
"How much it will be?"
"Someone already paid for your order. He's right there." Said the waiter, before pointing a guy on another table.
I look at this guy, I'm well aware of who it is.
"Take this anyway. Get yourself a drink."
I give a coin to the waiter.
"Merci." Said the waiter, before he goes serve someone else.
The guy at the other table come by and sit at my table. He's a lizardman, of mixed race. His scales are brown and black. He's wearing a dark grey suit with a cape and a hat of the same colour. He had in hand a silver cane.
"Bonsoir, it is a pleasure to see you again, mon ami." Said the Lizardman.
"What are you doing here Lord Laeron, what do you want from me?"
"Bien bien, I did send to you my messenger to give you a letter and it seems like you didn't accept my offer. What a pity." Said Lord Laeron.
"Look pal, don't play the good old friends with me. You do know that I didn't want to see you anymore."
"Same for me, mon ami. I just wanted to know if everything goes bad for you. I hope it does." Said Lord Laeron.
"After what? Stealing my cargo and break most of Joyeuse? This baby took a while to repair."
"That ship is still moving? Impressionnant. I was sure that this thing wouldn't move again." Said Lord Laeron, before laughing.
"You find this funny to piss me off?"
"Actually yes, mon ami. It just shows how better I am." Said Lord Laeron.
Oh god, he pisses me off so much. I hope he will fall down somewhere and be lost forever. Why is he there.
"So tell me, Why are you really there?"
"You see, mon ami. I despise you. You could have been such a great servant if you would have joined my crew instead of keeping that piece of junk that can barely fly." Said Lord Laeron.
"Barely fly? Joyeuse was a good ship before you break it up!"
"Break? Non non non non non. That junk would have crashed soon or later, I simply helped you notice it." Said Lord Laeron.
"Sure, thanks for nothing."
"There is another thing that annoys me with you." Said Lord Laeron.
"Tell me something I don't know already."
"You see, you're some kind of pest, a rodent that we should dispose of. You think that you're good at something? You're not. You should be thankful for saying this." Said Lord Laeron
What a jerk. If his plan was to piss me off, he succeeds. Always making fun of me, pestering me off and now being a jerk here. He has something in mind. I know.
I look at him, always boasting about himself, he should learn that there is more in this world than him. He... He's searching for something. I know what it is. I pick my gun hidden under my coat and point it at his face. He did had his gun in hand, pointing at my face.
"Mmm.. Good reflexes. That's probably I find good for yourself." Said Lord Laeron.
"You would dare to shoot at someone, just like that, in a bar, with everyone watching?"
"Don't you forget that I have far enough coins to bribe everyone in this room, so they simply saw a pest killing himself after losing all his coins in a game of chance? I could kill you right now and no one will bother to even ask what happened here. Boom, no more pest anymore and I won, like always." Said Lord Laeron.
He grins. So this was his plan? Dispose of me. You can be sure I'm quite happy to have my weapon in hand, this time. The room was now silent. Everyone was looking at us. I didn't hear any whispers. It was between you and me Lord Laeron. I must be sure of what to do.
…
…
* Bang *
…
…
* Bang *
Category Story / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 30.5 kB
As promised, I read your story.
Pros:
- Good use of Tension Near the End
- Good use of 1st person perspective
- Effort in formatting is clear (whenever I try to submit anything, FA deletes all of my precious formatting)
Cons:
- Details on characters and environments feel lacking Even though from a character perspective point, some details may not have been necessary. I found myself needing to supply a lot of the details in my imagination. This has the effect of possibly not lining up with how YOU imagined your own story and world therein.
- What is Icustis? Because you are Kobold I am also assuming the main character is of the reptilian persuasion, but I don't remember it ever being told explicitly.
-Use of non english makes the story a little confusing. It is my assumption that the language used was french, but I don't know if this is true or not.
Pros:
- Good use of Tension Near the End
- Good use of 1st person perspective
- Effort in formatting is clear (whenever I try to submit anything, FA deletes all of my precious formatting)
Cons:
- Details on characters and environments feel lacking Even though from a character perspective point, some details may not have been necessary. I found myself needing to supply a lot of the details in my imagination. This has the effect of possibly not lining up with how YOU imagined your own story and world therein.
- What is Icustis? Because you are Kobold I am also assuming the main character is of the reptilian persuasion, but I don't remember it ever being told explicitly.
-Use of non english makes the story a little confusing. It is my assumption that the language used was french, but I don't know if this is true or not.
Thanks for the feedback.
I'll need to be more careful with the details and environment.
Oh good lord, you're right, I didn't even mention the full character's name, dumb me <_< The Main character is Ashio Icustis
The reason for the two languages was that I wanted to make a billingual story, that ended up having a suite later on.
It will make more sense when some of the characters don't speak the two languages.
I'll need to be more careful with the details and environment.
Oh good lord, you're right, I didn't even mention the full character's name, dumb me <_< The Main character is Ashio Icustis
The reason for the two languages was that I wanted to make a billingual story, that ended up having a suite later on.
It will make more sense when some of the characters don't speak the two languages.
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