You know, I probably never gave you any comments because I skimmed your stuff and realized that you don't need that much help. All I noticed were a few minor things (in the prologue of this, there were a few spots I thought you could have been clearer in your description, i.e. when you say he had to look over 'the' stack of papers to see the guy, I thought it would make more sense to say 'a' stack of papers, since you made no previous mention of it... but man is that a small thing). I guess my only complaint is that you never seem to get around to telling us what everybody looks like; like, not so much as a hint. I don't know what a relecar is, and neither does anyone else, so you ought to find some way early on to make that clear. That and a few punctuation issues were the only problems I noticed, though.
So yeah... you're doing just fine.

Actually this is possibly the strangest critique I've ever been given. I mean, Thank you for it and all, it's insightful and it's clear that you put a pile of effort into it, but I've never had someone call a story or writing style "fine" before and leave it at that.

Are you saying that my writing style is absolutely perfect except for the few errors you listed? Are you saying that the stories are mediocre? If so, why did you just list errors as opposed to ways to spice them up?

I'm sorry if I'm being horribly ungrateful, but... well, I wasn't looking to make my stories "fine" I was looking to make them great.

If these words offend you, disregard them.

Mostly I just mean that I think you're at the point where it would be more beneficial to have a professional go through your work with a fine-toothed comb and nitpick like crazy. I say this because (and this is very rare for me when it comes to works on the internet) I didn't ever feel like stopping while I was reading this and the prologue. That tells me that stylistically it's in great shape, so there's not much that I can do for you, as an amateur writer myself. I mean, I could look harder to find things that bother me, but I think that would be kind of ad absurdum and it wouldn't help you much to make it better.
'Fine' by my standards, is what I mean.

I'm not the best critic in the world, so take this with a grain of salt. Also, writing makes it feel impersonnal, and I want to state here that nothing's meant as aggressive/negative, just as constructive.

The major flaw I see is that you write as though for a movie. You describe well the action and dialogue, but there is little else. When I write, I see all the action going on through my head. I'm not sure if it's the same for you, but if it is, I know you have all the details, you see it in your head. Just remember the rest of us can't. You'd need to write more about the visual/scenic around your characters. We know they're in a trench. We know one of them is a relecar. That's it. We don't know if it's cement or sandbag walls, what time it is, what the characters look like, what equipment/gear they're wearing, etc. Just writing a hint or two (or five) helps us a lot "see" what's happening in your story.

Other than that, I love it. The plot is well thought-out (unlike me ;P), the story is dynamic and has follow-through. Keep going at it man!

(PS: I'd take it as a favour if both of you could read and comment on my stories. Don't be afraid, go at it hard, criticise me like hell. I'm just writing my series off the top of my head without much in the way of rereading and plot developpment, so all criticism can only help!)