Finally posting this up...

Anyway, so, you don't have to read this next bit if you don't want to. This is eventually going to be a series of seven involving each of the sins and my thoughts on them, as well as relating to myself. Would love to hear others' thoughts on them as well. Be forgiving if it's a bit disjointed, don't really write this philosophical or personal, so this is a first for me.

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So, first of all, what makes pride a sin? It's an insidious one, the one that all of us feel at some point. You paint your finest masterpiece, climb Mt. Everest, even small things like getting an A on a math test, or finally managing to get thirty feet in a manual car without it dying on you. How is being proud of what you accomplished a bad thing. I believe its less about the actual emotion, than what it could lead to instead. Pride in its worst form, separates people. One has pride in what they achieved, but other's weren't able to achieve it. The winner of a race won, because he was faster than the others, or one could say, he was better at running than the others. Is it that much of a stretch to him thinking since he's better at running then the other, that he's just better in general than them, and then acting on it? That's the hole pride is trying to get you to fall on, to erect a barrier between you and everyone else. There are so many divisions that work along this, rich and poor, famous and obscure, strong and weak. Everyone puts value in different things, so it's not just one type of wall being formed, but a thousand different ones that split ourselves further and further until one might find themselves alone.

So, is pride by itself a bad thing? I don't think though, as long as a clinical approach can be taken to it. Rather than using it as a measuring stick against other people, use it against your past. I see a ton of amazing art by amazing artists, and yes, I want to eventually reach that level. Instead of looking to that as a goal though, I think it's better to look back. I don't draw as often as I should, but I look back at some of my work and I can see myself improving, slowly, but it's getting better. If I can make every piece, a little better than the one before, I would be happy.

So, I think I've covered what I want to say for that part of it. Now I would like to say how I fall prey to pride.

If I had to say one thing, it would have to be my pride is in my intellect, or the perception to the fact that I'm smart. For the sake of getting this without too much confusion, let's assume I am pretty smart. Now, first thing wrong with that, is do I have the right to be proud of it? I mean, it's not something I've achieved. I just happened to get a decent set of genes that led to the fact that I pick up math and science pretty easily. It's like being proud because I'm taller than the rest of my family. I had no influence on that, I just got lucky in the genetic lottery. I shouldn't have any pride in that fact. Get a Bachelor's degree by the age of twenty? Something to be proud of. Discover something that changes the face of science forever? Something to be proud of. Being smart, it can lead you to things to be proud of, but in and of itself, it shouldn't be. So, I already have a shaky foundation to start with.

I can't help but wonder if I've already fallen into the trap pride sets. I've been thinking on what to write in this for a while, and I worry that somewhere in the back of my mind, I think 'I'm smarter than they are,' whenever I see someone. It's even harder when people tell you you're smart. My brother said once that I was smarter than him, which means ten times more to me than if Albert Einstein rose from his grave just to tell me I'm a genius.

And what have I done with this intellect I'm so proud of? Nothing, zilch, nada. It's like making the blueprints for a solar system hopping spaceship, laughing, and then using it as toilet paper. I've got no motivation, no drive to use what I have. My brother, he's got it in spades, and he will go somewhere, be someone, while the supposed 'smart one' (me) is wallowing in mud.

I honestly don't know if I can get out of it. I'll try though. I think, what would be best for me, is finding something more appropriate that I can put the pride in. If I just went for some intellectual pursuit, I think I would just fall further in. So, trying to carve myself a path out in art for now(Not going the best at the moment. See previous mention of no drive.) Maybe I'll continue down it, and never dust off the issue again, or find a completely new direction. At the moment, I'm just looking to stir up the stagnant pond that I've become, and find some sort of outlet to flow.